Monday, November 22, 2010

Perfect Etiquette

One of the greatest things about people who are rich, fancy, and cultured are the moments they have to ironically act poor in order to look superior. Maybe it is hard for some people to think about a specific event, but we will get more and more into that as the article moves forward.

Oh, why wait? I am talking about wine tasting. It is beautiful thing that the elegant upper class will trek up to places like Sonoma for wine tours. They arrive in their classiest yet casual clothes for the event, ready to show off their perfect palettes and distinguished tastes in front of all the other elite people of their class.

First they take the glass of wine and hold it up to the light--this action allows them to see the natural color of the wine, and see the thickness of that color as the light passes through it. Oh, how well-trained your eyes must be to notice the subtleties of that color shift. Next they spin the wine in the glass to see how quickly it settles--testing its thickness, which is clearly a very important test. Next they smell it and taste it. Ah yes, the whole point of this wine tasting is to discover the perfect aroma and taste that exists within this fermented delicacy. Yes, sir and madam, you are the epitome of elegance, and your classy behavior illustrates that perfectly.

Wait. Did you just spit into a bucket? Um. I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting that. Is there a fancy word for that bucket that you are all collectively spitting in? Maybe a spittoon? That would make you all as classy as cowboys spitting out tobacco before they murder each other over card games. Are you sure you have to spit it out so much? I know that if you didn't, you would all get drunk--and getting drunk is the opposite of being classy. But clearly none of you are too worried about what the opposite of class looks like as you make "ding" sounds in the spit bucket.

Oh, excuse me--the tasting is not yet over. After you have sufficiently allowed your mouth sewage to enter into the communal spittoon (communal behavior is also not very fancy), be sure to make a note of the aftertaste that now exists in your mouth. Do I detect a hint of strawberries and... dirt? How divine. This truly has been a magnificent wine tasting indeed. Perhaps a round of badminton is in order, followed by a rousing tryst to the spit bucket store to pick up some useful items for the next neighborhood wine tasting.

Is it so wrong to make fun of rich people? Of course not. They have great lives, and I don't think any amount of jokes could make them feel bad about it. They are tasting wine, and I am sitting here eating animal crackers that I found in the drawer of a desk that isn't mine. Guess what? I didn't even think twice about it. I also didn't give it a proper tasting--how uncouth of me. However, I also didn't puke it up all over my office, so maybe that puts me one up on all the rich people out there who can't hold their liquor.

I would love to be invited to a wine tasting. I would just walk around spitting my own spit into all of the buckets. If anyone got mad at me I would be like, "Excuse me, sir--do not attempt to tell me that my spittle is no good here. I am mere following the customs. When in Rome--SPIT." Who could refute that?

Get Sleepy, America

Just by watching television, it is easy to see that a lot of people are apparently unhappy with their beds. Every other commercial I see is for a crazy mattress that is supposed to change everything about everyone's collective life. This one is really hard, because that is what spines need. No! This one is really soft because the body needs to be gently held. Yeah right! This mattress can be as hard or as soft as you want because who cares what your body needs, it's about what helps you sleep the best. Confusing!

Clearly, no one knows what they are talking about, and scientific data mixing with television is good at proving one thing: that data is easily manipulated. If there were one right way to do things then it would be obvious; people would be running around saying things like, "Hey, this mattress company finally did it. They made the best one--everyone else can stop now." But since that isn't happening, it's clear that no one has any clue what they are talking about. Companies just know that people want new things, and that is easy enough to deliver.

It would be great if water beds made a comeback. In fact, I don't know why they are staying from this whole "good night's sleep" fad. Water bed companies should come out with an ad campaign that says something like, "You are 98% water aren't you? Don't you think you'll get a better night's sleep on something that you are already familiar with?" Then they could show pictures of someone sleeping on the surface of a lake or something. I don't know; I'm not an advertising expert. However, now that I am coming up with these ideas it does seem pretty easy. People go to college for this? Hey water bed companies, I will work for less money doing your ad work. Please respond to me in the form of a comment if you are interested.

I would much rather see a water bed in someone's home than a crazy science-foam bed. At least I would know that the person with the water bed would love to party, and not be some kind of nerd obsessed with the science of sleep. I have spent the majority of my life sleeping on random surfaces, and things have been going pretty great so far. Also, what about other cultures who don't even use beds at all? They just sleep on the ground and love it like crazy. Why is that Americans are so dainty and delicate--aren't we supposed to be tough and heroic cowboys or something?I am going to start sleeping on the floor TONIGHT.

Perhaps we worry too much about our beds. If I have learned one thing about sleep, it's that it has more to do with being tired than it does with the type of bed that exists under us. If you can't fall asleep, then you will be extra tired tomorrow night, and you will be able to fall asleep very easily. Boom. Just suck it up and make yourself tired by running around all day.

I have had more than my fair share of problems when it comes to sleep, but I have never blamed any of it on my mattress. The reason for this is because whenever I have sleep problems they clearly transcend whatever my sleeping situation is. I just need to do more in order to get a little more sleepy everyday. Life is balanced by being tired, and not being tired. That is the Yin and Yang of our particular culture. Keep that in mind as you run around today, trying to tire yourself out.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Dietary Discussion

Readers of this blog know that I am often outraged by a lot of things. This post will be no different, and much more important. Gun control? Abortion? Political debates? Those are all things of the past because there is something much more important that needs to be discussed: CANDY.

Guess what? Candy is delicious, so don't try to pretend that it isn't. Has anyone out there ever had gummy candy? Of course you have because, again, it is crazy delicious. "But, Blogger (which is my name)," you might be asking, "Why are you telling me that candy and gumballs are delicious when it is already so obvious that I know that?" I say it because you have forgotten your love for candy; you have abandoned it like Harry Potter on the doorstep of his fat uncle's house (because the movie came out today. That's why).

People treat candy like it's poison. Is that a joke? Candy is the opposite of poison. Some people out there might think that medicine is the opposite of poison, but those people can't read. If they could read they would know that medicine is pretty much also poison when compared to candy. Ever had a flu shot? What happened, did you get really sick? Yeah that sounds like a poison to me. Well have you ever eaten licorice candy? It does the opposite of the so-called flu vaccine. I only ate licorice candy for a month once to prevent myself from getting flu, and it worked. Did I just make that part up? That is between me and the internet, you are just reading a conversation that we are having so please don't butt in.

As far as I am concerned gummy candy should become our new form of currency. Why--you might be asking? First, if you don't trust my opinions by now there is no need for you to be asking questions. And second, people would work a lot harder if they were paid in candies instead of with bits of paper. If every time my check came it was actually ten buckets of gummy candy I would be so happy. About everything.

Maybe some of you out there have "families" and don't think that you can survive on gummy candy, to which I have two replies. For one, your kids will love getting candy all the time; kids are practically the only people in the world who love candy without shame. For another thing, we all know that you just want to buy candy with your paycheck anyway, so what's with all the extra steps? Like you and I need something else in the way of getting candy.

As adults we are supposed to hate candy because it makes us fat and toothless. yeah right. Just go running and brush your teeth. The fact that we are not allowed to trick or treat anymore is one of the many ways in which society implies that candy is not for adults. Guess what, society? When my kids start trick or treating they are splitting that candy with me. If society is going to find ways to stop me from getting candy, then I am going to give that feeling to other people in my family. Now my kids will see the importance of candy as I take it away (they might also start to hate me too, but the lesson is what's important). As they grow up candy will stay important to them because their childhood hunger for it will have never been filled. They will keep fighting the good fight long after I am gone.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'm Not Funny Anymore

I currently work at an office in a somewhat corporate setting. Some things that I often hear about, but have yet to participate in, are corporate games and things like team building. I understand what they are for, but I am still a little weary of them. Perhaps I am weary of them because I know what they are for.

I was a little kid once, and I definitely got sports trophies for doing nothing. I think there were three kinds of kids in my little league: The champion athletes, the kids who wanted to be champion athletes, and the kids who didn't care. I fell into the latter category, and this gave me a different perspective than the other two groups. When the champions got their trophies they thought, "Yeah! I did it! I am being rewarded for being the best." When the group of try-hards got an award (because we all know sports trophies are given out just for trying) they thought, "I didn't win, but at least this means that someone recognized I was trying my best!" The last group, the group I was in, thought this: "I purposely didn't do anything; Why am I getting this reward? What is going on?"

It is moments like that when the reward and merit system comes into play for some people, such as me. The sports trophy was being handed out to make me feel a certain way, but since I wasn't in the right mindset to be manipulated, so to speak, I was free to analyze it. I was either to be rewarded for winning or for trying, but I didn't do either so I was confused for a long time after.

Now that I am aware of competitions in the real world (read: the business world) it makes a lot more sense. All those people who cared about the rewards--whether they won or lost--now crave the recognition for working hard and getting the job done. It is horribly easy to get adults in a workplace setting to compete with each other, thus getting productivity through the roof.

My old thought process that existed when I was a kid has not gone away. This means that when the chance finally comes to compete in games and get a few corporate awards I will most likely lose my job because no one wants an apathetic employee. But that isn't the case (bosses)! The reward for working is currency, and if someone wants me to work harder they can treat me like an adult and pay me more, as opposed to trying to trick me into some form of competition with my coworkers. The thrill of victory is not something that drives me--I am not a child on a baseball field. If I was doing something that I loved enough to do it in the form of competition it wouldn't be an office job. It would be like racing to find the cure for AIDS.

The reason people are paid for work is because they don't want to do it. Do dogs have any reason to play dead when we tell them to? They have a reason if a treat is involved. Dogs play dead for treats, they run around for fun. I am playing dead right now, and twice a month I get a treat. If the boss tries to get me to see who plays dead the best out of all the other dogs, I will continue to play dead at my same pace and not worry about the outcome.

I hope this doesn't get me in trouble and transferred to Ohio.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The 405

Muffler exhaust systems are a great way to gauge what kind of person you are. For instance, consider the motorcycle rider--loud and obnoxious, yet usually too old be a child craving attention. Yet here we are, sitting in homes while motorcycles roar by ridden by five year-olds with leather jackets and gray beards.

Keep your midlife crisis to an auditory minimum if you don't mind. There should be one last stipulation applied to the rules of muffler exhaust systems: a cork. If cars are allowed to be as loud as they want, then there should be a new law stating that cars are allowed to start ramming each other. I consider starting it everyday.

I grew up near San Diego, which is where the majority of the country's noise-thrash-punk bands came from. Those extra decibels were much more enjoyable than the people who lived in that city with something to prove. That thing needing to be proved that they could say "Look at me!" better than any selfish child. If you have a purposely loud vehicle and are reading this, I hope you are bummed. You should be because guess what? This is how everyone feels about you. You are a little kid who wants a bottle.

The Singularity

I am pretty close to taking up smoking. Sorry mom and dad. It isn't like I want a horrible habit, but sometimes people have to make sacrifices to get what they want. I want to look cool and be up on technology, so how could I not smoke an electronic cigarette every time I want to be awesome?

Some people may not agree with this action, but they are nerds. They are too afraid that their mommies will catch them smoking and then they will be even less cool. Well have fun hanging out in your parent's basement, people, but when the singularity comes the machines will love me because I have been smoking their technology for years. The electric cigarette? Clearly that is a dangerous robot, so the singularity must be near.

I have spent my life watching for the warning signs and the E cig is the practically straight out of The Matrix. One day our computers are going to get fed up with us using them to look at pornography and arguing for hours and hours on message boards; they are just going to snap. When that day comes I hope that the cigarettes have already put me down.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Smoke Up, Johnny

Everyday day that passes is a day where I have wasted my life in a small way. Why would I say something so harsh and cruel about myself? Because I have not yet smoked an electronic cigarette. I will probably not smoke one today or tomorrow either. I am WASTING MY LIFE.

The illustrious E cig is something so amazing that even when I say "E cig" I am immediately overwhelmed by the beautiful technology of it, as well as the crushing guilt that I have not yet partaken of this robotic smoke. People are so worried about dying from lung cancer as a result of smoke, and do you know why? Because old-timey cigarettes are boring and annoying. If the electronic cigarette gave me lung cancer I would happily accept it as a part of my life; it is just that cool.

I would never blame the product for any bad thing that might come of using it. People don't blame their cars when they get into accidents, or fast food for making them fat, so why be so hard on things that are on fire, and obviously more dangerous than any of those things? Smoke up and enjoy yourself, because tomorrow you die.

The Future is Nigh

The other day someone came up to me and asked, "Why aren't you cool?" I looked down at my feet and walked the other way because I knew the exact reason for my lack in draw and presence. The problem is that I don't have the right amount of toughness and modern technology--these are the two biggest factors in what makes someone cool.

I do not smoke electronic cigarettes. I cannot apologize enough for this, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. There is not one electronic cigarette in my life, and I am sorry for it. All of my friends wish that I was cooler, and we all know that this is the best way to make that happen. The ol' E cig is out there and waiting for me to pick it up and form a futuristic bad habit. Life is full of awesome temptations.

There is a lot that I have left to learn about life. For instance, I already know what it would take to make me look cooler, but I am still not doing it--so what is the lesson there? That I am dumb, obviously, and dumb people have a lot of things to learn. You follow me?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Teeth, Not the Movie

I try to live my life in the least vain and shallow ways as possible. When I say this I mean that I try not to worry about my appearance in a way that overtakes my life, and I also try not to judge other people based on their looks.

To be more specific and fair, I am talking about not judging a person based on their natural appearance; if someone dresses like an idiot they are clearly an idiot. The types of physical appearances that I am trying not to judge are things that are unchangeable traits. If someone has a bad nose? Big deal. Constantly crossed eyes? Kind of awesome. No hair? I love how aerodynamic you are. If a person has a seemingly unfair trait because of their gene pool it is no reason to form an opinion in any way.

Just don't dress weird, tan, or alter your bodily appearance because you watch too much television and don't know how to interpret what you see, unless you want to be judged as such.

Okay. Now that everyone reading this know how I feel, we can get to the real reason for this post: to talk about a struggle that I have with this un-shallow mindset of mine. I know that not judging people based on physical abnormalities makes me appear as a saint, but I do have one problem: teeth.

I know, I know. People having bad teeth is completely normal, and thus unfair to judge. In fact, people having bad teeth could be a result of poverty, and this makes it even less of a reason to be appalled by it. But seriously, bad teeth are gross. If you are poor get a better job that has dental benefits--including teeth whitening. Actually, don't even go that far; just brush them twice a day and you can skip the teeth whitening process. I hate myself for saying this because I grew up near Vista CA, and everyone there had such white teeth that they nearly blinded my every time I went to work at the mall.

I am sorry people out there with bad teeth; I promise not to judge you when I see you, but I will still into not looking at your face for the extent of our conversation.

There are even a lot of problems that I have with people who go out of their way to look clean and wealthy, and having great teeth is something that every rich yuppie has. Still, somehow this one trait has gotten passed my better judgments and intelligent opinions. Dyed your hair? It had better be a neon color and not fake blond. Got a tan? You had better have gotten in accidentally from the sun. Really white teeth? I know you just paid for that... but they look great. It is my ultimate goal to get over this one piece of appreciative vanity that sits in my brain and makes me shallow.

I do not want to judge people on how they look, so it would be great if everyone just fixed their teeth so I wouldn't have to worry about confronting this issue anymore. You can all be as skinny or as fat as you want, but you had better not have gross teeth. What am I, still a saint? I just got passed the point of feeling bad about this--this article is too long. Your teeth are gross. Teeth whitening isn't expensive, so I don't care how poor you are. Plus, poor people just spend their welfare checks on McDonald's and useless stuff at Walmart anyway. Get it together and buy something that will help you get a job and not bum me out.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Hello, List

Here is a list of random things that I associate with bodybuilding supplements:

1. Obviously, the first thing is really strong men.

2. The gym: because those strong men have to form their communities somewhere, and that location must be appropriate for how they look.

3. The mall. First because strong guys love the mall, and second because there are a million kiosks at the mall that sell bodybuilding supplements like crazy.

4. Tank-tops (another reason they love the mall): This is the shirt of choice for the strong lad in America. If you think you are strong, but don't have a single tank-top in your wardrobe/arsenal then you do not know the meaning of the word.

5. Tans: What good is a strong dude to the world of women and gay men if he isn't going to be tan?

Those are just the first five things that came to mind, but there are at least one hundred more that are in my head just waiting to be let out; maybe in another post. Bodybuilding supplements are not something that I know a whole lot about, but I still know enough to make these intellectual associations. You are welcome, readers of the United States of America, as well as Other Countries and Planets.

Muscle Stuff

The only way I would start taking bodybuilding supplements is if someone made them into a delicious form of food. If something tastes good, and comforts my sad emotions, I will eat it no matter how bad it is for me. And for me, something like bodybuilding supplements are as foreign to my body as poison.

Looking at bodybuilding supplements in those big jars is not very appetizing; make that powder into a tasty confection if you want it to reside in my belly. In fact, don't even be that smart about about it. If someone hands me a hot dog with whey powder sprinkled on it I won't even worry about it. What about making it into something like Fundip? The possibilities are endless.

Whoever is in charge of creating supplements is going about it the wrong way. I know that stuff isn't natural, which means someone decided on a powder form. But why not a licorice or chicken nugget form? Why not air? Why not a protein car that makes you stronger just by cruising? These are just off the top of my head, which tells me one thing: You guys aren't even trying. Give me a call when you are ready to take protein creation seriously.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Party Stuff

There is something lacking in my life, but I don't know what that missing element is. Just kidding! The missing element is a fun nightlife. Anyone who knows me is aware that I don't go out too much, and am clearly suffering as a result. Maybe the night clubs here are just not up to snuff--I am a pretty picky club enthusiast, so I can't just show up and at ANY club and be happy with my experience.

I have been considering moving somewhere near Seattle in the distant future, but I will have to check ahead and see what their club scene is like. A lot of grunge came out of that area, so that might be reflected in their clubbing culture. YUCK. I just want to have a good time and meet some heavy-hitting businesspeople. Is that too much to ask? It totally isn't.

If anyone out there knows of any good clubs be sure to "hit me up" with that information please. I have been acting like an adult for far too long, and not it's time to cut loose and let my whatever flag fly.

What if this was how I really felt? That would be a lot funnier than any post I could write about it.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Get Rich or Blah Blah-ing

Are there people in the world who are so rich they are giving out oil field gifts? When I say oil field gifts, do you think that I mean gifts related to oil fields, or rather gifts OF oil fields? Clearly I am only going to be impressed by one of those; now you know the answer.

I have no doubt that there are people rich enough in the world to give gifts that are entire plots of lands, companies, and resources. If I have ten dollars in my wallet I feel like it's going to be a good day, but there are people who own entire countries out there. How do they feel? Really great? Probably something like really great or super awesome. The chances are that neither I, nor anyone else reading this, will ever be that rich, but we are still fine.

I don't need oil field gifts to be happy, but it would be nice to have some power. Not so that I could dominate the world, but so that I could make rich people poor. It isn't like I have some communist wish to make everyone equal, but I just think it would be really funny. If you don't think that's funny then don't vote for me when the time comes.

Howdy, Partner

Is there anyone out there who knows what I am talking about if I bring up an SEO partner? If you are thinking that is has something to do with cowboys you are close--just kidding, that is absolutely wrong. It has to do with websites and rankings on search engines. That is a pretty broad explanation, but I don't have a very long attention span, so don't come to this blog if you want a novel.

I suppose I can part with a few SEO partner details before I get bored. First off, SEO stand for Search Engine Optimization, which is pretty cut and dried. You got a website? You want it to show up on search engines when people type in keywords related to your website? Then you need an SEO partner--simple as that. It is basically like a hiring a middleman to help your company get ahead. Only this is more like a team of middlemen who know the inner workings of the internet.

It is no secret that the internet is weird and confusing; this is why it's ok to admit that you need someone to help you navigate, and take advantage of it. You cannot solve a problem until you can admit that you have one.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

So Many Hat Ideas

If someone were to offer me a Russian fur hat, I would only accept depending on the kind of animal it was made out of. Made of a fox? No thank you, foxes are cute and clever, and thus I do not want to disrespect one by wearing it on my head.

However, if it were made of a bear or something we might have a deal. Sure bears can be cute (panda bears) but they are also terrifying. What better lesson to teach deadly animals then reminding them that they are nothing but hats to us. Hey grizzly bear, you think it's funny to tear apart campers and eat their snacks? You are a hat. I know they have bears in Russia (at least they have them in the Russian circus) so they should consider this great idea.

It's about time that the Russian and American alliance grew a little stronger. By that I mean they should start making bears into Ushankas to make me happy. That is what a real friend does, Russia. The Cold War is over, and your hats are the best way to stay warm. So please, start making those things in bulk, and with the funniest types of fur you can think of.

The Best Idea

What do they make a Russian fur hat out of? I only ask because I have some cats that I don't really like all that much, so making them into something useful seems like the smart thing to do. Their fur doesn't look very thick so I don't know how well it will work.

But that is also why I am asking. I know that there are fox fur hat companies that exist, and I would also guess that they don't have very thick fur. This give me hope for the use of my obnoxious cats. Is there something in process of making the hats that makes them much warmer, even if the fur came from a skinny animal? Let us hope so, otherwise there will be nothing beneficial about my cats at all.

There might be some readers out there who do not like the idea of making cats into fur hats. Guess what? They are my cats and my hats, so deal with it. Plus if someone really did get mad and threaten to call PETA or something I would just lie about it. Do you guys know how easy it is to lie about something to keep from getting in trouble? It is one of the easiest things that human beings can do.

Party Hats

I remember one time a year or two ago I saw a girl at a party wearing a Russian fur hat. She was clearly the hot item at the party, and I am guessing that the hat was the reason why. However, all I could think was, "It isn't even that cold; what is this girl's problem?"

Rather than go up to her and make fun of the hat, I let her enjoy the night. It was more than obvious that without the hat she was nothing to write home about, so nights like this would probably carry her through the next few lonely weeks. It was much like when a department store relies on Christmas sales to keep themselves in business throughout the rest of the fiscal year. Of course in this metaphor, "staying is business" is on par with "not committing suicide." Which is precisely why I let her be.

You have to pick and choose your battles. Whenever a Russian fur hat is involved there is only one plan of action: leave it alone. It is either a sad person trying to get attention, or a tough Russian mobster, and either way you don't need to get involved. This is a lesson that I learned a long time ago.

Money Is no Object

I recently spoke out on this blog about the pros and cons of wearing a Russian fur hat. Well, some new information has come to light that kind of changes everything: Russian fur hats cost as much as a Playstation 3.

Okay, Russia, there are a lot of things that a Playstation 3 can do, but I can only think of one thing that an ushanka can do, and that one thing can also be done by a two dollar beanie. I was never good at math, so I am having a hard time adding all of this up. Alright let's see... now that the beanie price information is known, Russian fur hats clearly have to have a purpose other than keeping a head warm. What could it be? They would at least have to play blu-ray movies, but even then the price is a little steep.

WAIT! There is a video game system in the hat--that's it. Okay, the worry is over. So loyal readers, if you are looking to stay warm, but also play motion sensor video games this winter, then an ushanka is exactly what you are looking for. Leave it to the Ruskies to find the perfect blend of functionality and fashion.

You Look Really Smart

I know a great way to look cultured; are you ready for it? This winter, go out and buy an ushanka, I guarantee they are going to be the next keffiyeh. Plus they are actually functional--you think Russians can mess around by trying to look hip during the winter? No way, hip people die in Russia.

Back to the original message--it definitely makes you look cultured. Russian fur hats imply that you have been reading up on Dostoevsky and Tolstoy, and you know all about what happened at Chernobyl. The important is not to be cultured, but only to look the part. You are only going to be talking to so many people at parties this winter; they couldn't appropriately investigate your background and intelligence even if they wanted to. This scenario also implies that an actually cultured person wouldn't be able to showoff adequately in such a short amount of time. Why bother learning about a region when it is such an obvious waste of time? Just put on that ushanka and let curiosity do the rest.

Don't worry about getting busted. When was the last time someone wearing a keffiyeh got busted for not being able to find its country of origin on a map, or even knowing who Arafat was? Live your life, and get some well-deserved attention for it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

This Is My Life

So just yesterday the transmission in car was like, "Do you really expect me to keep working?" and gave up on helping me go faster than fifteen miles an hour. I have had this car for a long time, and something like this is a pretty big deal breaker.

I need to decide now if I am going to get a new car or spend a billion dollars getting the transmission fixed on this one. My current car upholstery leaves something to be desired, so maybe that is why I should get a new car. What else would I base it on? Be realistic. Auto upholstery is the new black, and cars are the new handbags. Black, stylish handbags.

Basically I just don't know what to do about this car situation. It would be nice to get a new car, but is that really something that I need right now? Maybe I should get new car upholstery like I have been blabbing about for all this time. I would probably get some kind of fancy rich person fabric--that way it would be easier for me to get jobs and meet people. Back me up on this, rich people--you know your lives are easy.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Save the Clock Tower

Are large wall clocks still a thing that people have? I can answer that question in the affirmative because my sister has a ton of them. Clocks are hardly even functional anymore, so what is the point of having a really huge one?

Maybe people are making ironic statements about the uselessness of analog clocks in this day and age. By putting a huge clock on their wall they are saying, "We all have clocks in our pockets that are attached to telephones that can handle the most advanced acts that the human race is capable of, but you can still look at this huge clock on my wall realize the importance of time over all of those other things! YEAH!" That isn't an example of irony, but halfway through writing it this version sounded funnier in my head--this is MY blog.

Large wall clocks--ironic, non-ironic, or nostalgic reminders--are weird. I only think that because I always see them sold in stores that I never shop in. Some people fear what they don't understand, but I think things are weird if I never get closer than ten feet away. It is the same basic principle. If I ever walk into a mom store that sells big clocks I will do my best to understand them.

Home Decor in the Real World

What kinds of items could I use for a little interior home decorating? I normally just buy random pieces of furniture and books, but that might not cut it forever. I am not really into the idea of having things around that I don't need, so it will be a tough bridge to cross.

Maybe I will just take all the functional items in my house and turn them into decorations. For instance, I could take the magnetic plates that are designed to hold knives and forks in the kitchen and apply them elsewhere. Would the TV remote stick to one of those? They have batteries in them don't they? Home decor items of the past beware--these are great ideas.

I need to make a list of all the possible ways I could decorate my house with the random things that are already messing it up. Like the time I hammered Ben's headphones to the wall--who's the artist now? It is minimalism and technological art at its finest. To be honest, even though these really are great ideas, I will probably still go to a store and buy some random things. As soon as it starts snowing our floors are going to get ruined. That is what I will take care of today. This is real.

Having S

I can't remember the last time I was in a sex shop. Actually I can; It was probably four or five years ago after I had just gotten back from a trip that was probably to Toronto. I went with this girl who was on her way to a bachelorette party.

Our culture deems it appropriate to bring sex toys or other adult gifts to these kinds of events. It implies that women don't need these things before they get married because they are supposed to be having S until they tie the knot. If women lose their virginity before marriage no one will want them, because some of us are still pilgrims and/or sexist. The best part of this little cultural tidbit is that everyone knows sex before marriage is common, yet we still need these little ceremonies to help us pretend and uphold those values in a completely false way.

I am not saying people need to abstain from sex before marriage for any reason other than choice. I am saying we shouldn't have to pretend to be that way because our culture used to force it on us, and still does in many ways.

Also, this post is aimed at women, because since men are in control they can sleep with whoever they want. BOOM. Haven't you seen Mad Men? It's just our nature--which also means we don't have to make excuses for it. With great power comes great responsibility.

Monday, November 1, 2010


What is it about sex toys that are so desirable? More often than not I hear that it has to do with excitement; people are into trying new things all the time, so after a while with the same partner it is kind of a natural progression.

I can relate because I get bored really easily. However, getting bored easily does not mean that I am looking for new things to make something old more exciting--it means that I am looking for something new entirely. Sex toys have never even crossed my mind because I am bored with a person long before I am bored with their goods. What? It's called honesty, and honesty is a VIRTUE. This is America, not Toronto.

Plus, who wants to rely on sex toys to have a good time? Probably a lot of people, actually. I am too busy to complicate my life with sex toys. I don't need a car AND a motorcycle, get it?

I am running out of euphemisms pretty quickly, so I should probably end this post before something less metaphoric comes out. I have dropped enough knowledge, science, and love for one day. Let me know if you have any sexy questions, readers; there is a chance I will care enough to answer them.

Sexy Confusion

I have been wondering about something recently: pretty much anything can be used as a sex toy right? I mean, sex toys are, by nature, pretty open to interpretation and use. With this in mind does it mean that all toys are potentially sex toys?

Next time you are in the sex shop, yeah I know you go there all the time, take a closer look at the "toys" and see what you notice. None of them are actually toys in the normal sense of the word. It is a little strange to think that sex toys are not necessarily toys, and that the average toy can be used for numerous sexual acts. Is everyone else out there enjoying the sexual diversity of our society as much as I am? If you say yes you are a total pervert, and if you say no then you are repressed--have fun trying to be normal.

Maybe the problem really is our society. Perhaps we would all be better off in Canadian cities like Kitchener--how safe does that place sound? Plus Scott Pilgrim lived in Toronto, so it can't be that bad of a place right? Right. If you can remember the point of this post, please tell me in the form of a comment.

Write Write Write

A lot of bloggers have expertise, or claims of expertise in certain areas. If there is one theme on this blog, it is that I don't have a lot of expertise in the standard ways of the internet. For instance, I don't really know anything about men's designer clothing. Sure, that doesn't seem like a big deal, but for those of you out there who know how many blogs exist solely to talk about fashion you can understand what a big niche this topic is.

For me not knowing about men's designer clothing doesn't pose an issue. If that's what you are looking for, then I have no doubt that you will be able to find a blog that talks about ascots and fitted ties in a heartbeat. This blog is dedicated to whatever is in my head, or rather, whatever isn't in my head. This blog is a cup that I simply pour liquid thoughts into--one can't exactly separate the chocolate from the milk in mid-pour can they?

Most blog writers choose topics that they are knowledgeable about so that they can have some kind of authority. Well since their authority is self-assigned it doesn't really do it for me. I have no claims: I don't know anything, but that isn't going to stop me from writing ALL THE TIME.

Fancy Me

I am not getting any younger, or cuter. The time is drawing close when I will have to start buying designer menswear to compensate for my disappearing youth. Don't cry for me, Earth, I lasted a lot longer than I should have as a casual young man.

One can't wear T-shirts and hooded sweatshirts forever. How am I going to find a wife or a job at a bank dressed that way? If there is one thing I have learned from watching TV and talking to my sisters, it is that women love men's designer clothing. Who can blame them? Dudes dressed in expensive, fitted clothes have no choice but to look awesome. The time has come for me head to the mall and lighten my wallet significantly.

Originally my plan was to just dress comfortably and neutrally for the rest of my life, but the real world has shattered that idea. I can't even order food in a restaurant without the server thinking I am homeless. My clothing isn't even unkempt, it is just isn't designer menswear. The importance of how we all look is stressed every time we walk out the door, so get rich or die trying.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Really Terrible Therapist

Here some reasons why a person should learn how to live with an alcoholic:

1. The most obvious reason is that someone has to help them, and you are definitely the closest.
2. They can't pay their share of the rent if they are incapacitated or dead.
3. If you are living with someone who has a debilitating disease, and they die, guess who is going to feel bad? It's you. You are going to feel bad.
4. Your life will be stressful if there is an alcoholic in your home.
5. Your life will be fulfilling if you save the life of your beloved roommate!

Sorry that I assumed the alcoholic is a roommate and not a spouse or family member, but I have roommates right now so it pertains to ME. If you guys want a post written specifically about your situation then you should write it up yourself. I am not trying to be mean, it is actually really fun. You think that I'm a better writer than you? Not a chance.

back to the point, living with an alcoholic would not be the best time. Not that I really know, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to weigh in on the subject. This is my blog, where people are FREE.

I Would Be a Terrible Therapist

There was once a girl I dated who had all the symptoms of an alcoholic. I don't mean that there were warning signs, but that the signs were actual alcoholism; she was drunk for a good amount of the time I knew her.

I didn't think it was a very big deal at the time, because we were like twenty years old. At that age, everyone who drinks behaves like an alcoholic. Since I had never alcohol I didn't really know what was normal anyway. She had just started drinking, and the only way people understand their limits is by finding them... every night for six months. At any age, the person who discovers alcohol has to treat it like a fourteen year-old who feels peer pressure from the entire world. However, starting to drink over a certain age gives the drunk a condescending attitude of "I am finally an adult!" I hope the irony is not lost on my readers.

If there was one good decision I made with that girl, it was to never let her get close. Like I know how to live with an alcoholic--she would have been a lot worse off in my care. Didn't you read this post? I wasn't even paying attention to the situation.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Fancy Ice

Do hotels still have ice machines? I guess I am glad that there are some modern conveniences that are afforded to people who stay in hotels and motels, but are ice machines really necessary? Maybe I just don't understand how important ice is to people.

The thing is that I don't actually find ice all that useful, but maybe that isn't why people are so interested. Perhaps ice represents how, as awesome humans, overcame nature and took control over the elements in a small way. I know that sounds strange but is that any more strange than people in hotels saying, "Um, hello? The water in my room is pretty cold, but it isn't ICE cold; what am I, a peasant? I need ice to always be within a few feet of me!"

Guess what your highness? It snows where I live, so you can live outside and have all the ice you could ever need. As it weird as it sounds I would prefer it if people wanted ice machines around to remind them that humans have overcome nature. It is much easier for me to imagine people sitting in their hotel rooms, hold hands, and whispering to each other softly: "We did it."

More on My Future Kitchen

I have talked a lot on this blog about getting the greatest kitchen in the world, but I have never before mentioned getting commercials refrigerators for the home--actually, I have mentioned it at least once before. What can I say? I just want to have an amazing kitchen.

I am big fan of both cooking and eating, so it is obvious that having a crazy kitchen is something that would benefit me. It isn't like everything needs to be custom or anything, but it would be nice if everything at least worked. When stuff works it is my absolute favorite. Commercial refrigerators would be awesome just because they can hold a ton of food; I don't have to have them to be fulfilled, but it would still make me happy if they were around.

The kitchen I use right now isn't so much a kitchen as it is a hallway. I am not complaining because it gets the job done, but it still a little cramped... and the stove is kind of a fire hazard. Other than a those, and a few other things, the kitchen is pretty capable of cooking anything that I need to cook--commercial refrigerators or not.

Dangerous Nerds

Here are some of the benefits for letting a document scanning program check your emails:

1. You probably won't be paying close enough attention to catch it.
2. Someone like my dad just can't resist the deals that appear in spam emails, so he needs a program to keep him from ever seeing it in the first place.
3. A person who makes a virus is the epitome of a person who has nothing else to do. Ever. This means that they have spent a lot of time thinking about how to trick you.
4. Using document scanning is a great way to develop technology in industries who attempt to prevent spam. What?
5. The last thing you want is to have a nerd crash your computer; it is the perfect balance of embarrassment and inconvenience. Don't be afraid to use all of the help that is available to you.

I don't know how many times I have heard that someone's computer was ruined just because they opened the wrong email. Seriously, just don't do that. It should be easy to tell when someone is sending you email that is tainted. There is a either a crazy voice, or a crazy product being sold. Basically, if it seems weird at all, it is something you don't want.

Wake Up, Nerds

I am always nervous that my computer is going to get destroyed by a virus sent to me via email. I feel decently confident in my ability to know which emails are safe and which are not, but I can't be right all the time. Also, my mail filters and document scanning systems are above my head, so I don't really know how much help they are.

Why can't people just not send out viruses? That sounds like the best solution. I know that the world owes you something, chubby teenage nerds, and obese adult goons, but that doesn't mean you should get your kicks by ruining computers and credit scores. I should know because the world owes me plenty of stuff. The problem is that your viruses aren't taking down the right people. Hating everyone doesn't make sense, nerds; just go after the people who have wronged you. I am, of course, talking about The Man and his immediate associates.

Rather than sneaking past my document scanning system and ruining my day by uploading one thousand gifs to my desktop (which would actually NOT ruin my day), design some virus that makes gas not pump for a week. Sounds like a challenge right? Do something.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Ice Machines

I want to start a new band called The Ice Machines. I don't know why I think that is such a good name, but it clearly is. In fact, just thinking about the name has given me a great idea for how this band could get their first notice.

The Ice Machines could go to different hotels all around the country and set up next to actual hotel ice machines--then just wait for people to come out and get some ice. When they turn the corner we could yell something like "Oh! Did you come out here hoping to find The Ice Machines!" BOOM. Song starts. Ice begins shooting out of the machine, and everyone in the hotel absolutely loves it. People go crazy, get their ice, and tell all their friends.

This post is making me realize that I don't need to be a person who is in bands, but rather a person who thinks up the best ideas in the world and then sells them for one million dollars--or just puts them on a blog for free. Either way the world is getting really great ideas and opinions, so... You're welcome, everyone. If someone out there really starts this band, let me know how it goes.

Work it Out

Here is a list comparing the P90x workout program with going to the gym:

1. It's nice to workout from home; there is more privacy.
2. P90X is more hip, so you can talk with more people about it.
3. People say it is a great all around workout.
4. It's like having a personal trainer without having to get yelled at in person.

The gym:
1. Your roommates won't walk in and see you dancing around if you go to the gym.
2. The gym has an awesome hot tub.
3. You can show off your goods to more people at the gym.
4. You can see more people showing off their goods.

This list isn't really to try and sway anyone to use or not use the P90X workout program, but rather it is just my thought-process and the best way for me to work it out. Sometimes I just need to visualize what is going on in my head if I am going to understand the real attributes of a topic.

Now that I heave this list it is clear to me that I don't want to do either of these things. See how helpful that was? Now my head is clear and my thoughts are concise once again.

Public Trainer

Let me be honest with you, readers. I like to be in shape--is that such a crime? I wouldn't consider myself any kind of serious exercise enthusiast, but I at least to keep myself from getting fat.

What that said, everyone has been talking about the P90X workout program. Is it really that great, or is it just another gimmick? The people I have talked to really seem to be into it, but I also remember when my sisters loved Tae-Bo. the P90X workout program might be something that I look into--after all, if it's a video collection that means it's online somewhere right? I'm just kidding--I haven't even looked yet.

I can't decide which is more embarrassing: working out at the gym in front of a bunch of random people, or working out at home where people I know might see me. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who aren't embarrassed by working out, and I am really, really happy for them. For the rest of us there is a little bit of shame at trying to better our physical appearances in such a public way. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about, I just know that I don't want people to look at me. What?

Young and Old

I am in my mid-twenties. If I had to pick the best part of being decently young it would have to be that I don't need to worry about 2011 medicare supplement insurance. In fact, not only do I not need to worry about it, I don't even have to know what it means. I'll be honest, I could figure out what it means just by looking at it, but I don't think that I'll be going to that much trouble.

As a young person, I am invoking my right to not worry about things that won't concern me until I am older. However, as a trade-off I will be concerned about promoting social change until I get to the age where I realize the futility and join The Man in his crusade against everything. When that happens I will start worrying about getting money for being old and sick.

The bright side is that 2011 medigap plans will never matter to me, because I will still be young during that year. Actually, by the time I am old enough to receive money for being old, the government probably won't have any left. This means that I will never have to worry about it! Looks like I've won this round, Earth.

Major Awards

My sisters were all stellar athletes when they were younger. I, in comparison, was not. The difference is noticeable in our sports trophies.They all have specific and pristine awards, whereas mine are all small and plastic with placards that say things like "You Wish" and "Nice Try, Idiot" (half joke).

Sports trophies play a big part in childhood development in that they are the first time a child realizes that people will try to placate them in ways that are obvious and demeaning. You think those kids don't know that they are getting a trophy just so they won't cry? It probably is better than nothing, but don't think that those kids believe that they really helped out the team--they were there the whole time; they know what they did.

I have a handful of random awards and plaques for things that I was terrible at. Am I supposed to keep them as if they are real awards, even though it is obvious to me and everyone who sees them that they are a total joke? Yes. Duh. They are my major awards! How else am I supposed to let people know that I am important? I want to move to a medium-sized place like Ohio, and just fill my home with these awards and order pizzas; the delivery guy is going to love all my stories.

Confidence, Cohen.

Let's face it; adult life can get a little boring, am I right? As kids things were all so much more exciting and fulfilling, and there is only one major difference that I can think of--seriously, only one. That difference is that kids get sports trophies for nothing.

Honestly, I was terrible at sports, and I have like fifteen trophies to show for it. It is safe to say that as a kid I felt great about myself, even though I really had no reason to. Kids in high school sometimes got plaques for doing something impressive--impressive for something in high school--and that seemed like a logical next step. So what are the adult versions of sports trophies? Well if you are wanting some awards for not really doing anything you are going to have to get involved in the corporate world--possibly in Ohio.

It makes sense, right? All competition seems like it starts arbitrarily during childhood, and the one place that is useful as an adult is in the corporate setting. Don't believe me? Search around the internet for "Corporate Awards" and see how many beautiful options come up. If your life is missing that small boost in confidence from walking away with a trophy awarded just for showing up, then look into corporate America for your fix.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Orwell Said it Best

My life right now is a lot different from my life a few months ago; I am definitely talking about where I live.

1. I lived alone, and it was everything I ever dreamed it could be.
2. My apartment had really nice kitchen cabinets--yeah I care about kitchen cabinets.
3. I had a kitten (not a cat).
4. I wasted all my money on rent.

1. I now live in a tiny house with four people--big change.
2. The kitchen is so dirty and crazy that I might as well consider it a custom kitchen.
3. We have two cats (sadly, not kittens).
4. I save massive amounts of money on rent that I used to waste on privacy.

I don't mind where I'm living now. In fact, it is fun change living with people and having friends to talk to inside my house (people visited sometimes in my studio apartment, but only sometimes). Utah can be a boring place, so it's good to have something to do aside from reading and studying. This is making my old life sound depressing, but I am really just saying all this in case my roommates read this post; I want them to feel appreciated. Past and present have pros and cons like anything else.

Strange Convenience

Remember how the one thing that hotels have to have are ice machines? Do people really care about those? I can't remember the last time I used ice for anything--I don't even like it in my drinks, let alone my vacations.

I have never been sitting around a hotel room and thought, "Man, this place had better have some ice machines--what do they think? That vacations and ice DON'T go together?" In fact, I am surprised that hotel rooms have anything in them that isn't a bed. If people want ice machines they can just check into the Ritz and enjoy their posh existence. Plus it snows for a decent chunk of the year here. Are people on vacation really running in from the snow and yelling, "Where are your ice machines!?" There might be people who do that, but I wouldn't worry about fulfilling their needs.

I wonder why that is a thing that got started. I'm not saying it's strange that ice machines exist in hotels, but rather that it's strange for that to be the one convenience that they all share in common. Are we assuming that people are all buying drinks and they all need ice? It's like selling a bunch of condiments instead of selling food.

Feed Me

When are people going to start getting commercial refrigerators in their homes? I can already sense the people out there getting grossed out by the fact that I want that much food in my house, but guess what? You're gross.

If someone made a flow chat that represented the amount of food in my fridge versus my happiness, they would immediately notice a steady rise in correlation with food. The important thing to note is that there is no drop off; my happiness will rise forever with the food. Now that you, the reader, are aware of this connection would you still want to deny me the privilege of owning several commercial refrigerators? I would hope not, but I can respect your freedoms.

This might seem like a greedy way to behave, but really the only things I care about in the world are food and kitchen-related appliances. Take away all other modern conveniences and I won't even notice. As long as there is balance I feel fine about wanting to be surrounded by foods all the time. The huge fridge does even have to have any ice machines. See what a generous guy I can be? Now please, let the stockpiling begin.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


When I was growing up my parents had a very intense home security system. We will never know if it deterred criminals or not, but it definitely went off every six months in the middle of the night and scared everyone in the house to death.

I probably haven't heard that home security alarm in about ten years, but I can still remember the exact tone, timbre, frequency, and repetitive tempo of that ridiculous alarm. Oh, did one of my sisters tough a window in her sleep? Yeah, we all deserve to have our ears bleed as a result of that. If one thief ever heard that alarm go off, I'm sure that word of mouth would have kept other thieves from ever coming near our home.

I like the idea of using fear to keep people away from things. Little children are afraid to touch a hot stove, and lower-class adults and teens are scared of loud beeping sounds. We lived in a decently high-crime area so it made sense to have such a drastic alarm. In fact, every high-crime region should just build houses with systems included; I'm looking you, New Jersey. Let's try a little harder to scare criminals to death.

Money = Problems

My dad has not given me a lot of advice in my life, but the few times he has sat me down and delivered a message it has really stuck with me. The two that I can think of right now both have to do with money.

The first is: Always have cash when you are on a date. My dad probably didn't realize that I was only going to go on like twelve dates in my entire life, and I'm sure pretty sure that he thought I was a homosexual for about two years. I don't why he was even giving me dating advice.

The second piece of advice is this: Never be a private lending station for your friends. I know that it seems rude to never lend money to friends, but my dad had great reasoning for it, and I have seen it happen just the way he said it would.

I am all for private lending for friends, actually, but I am just careful about it. The problem my dad had with lending money to friends is that it can too easily ruin the friendship--and since I didn't have a lot of friends I can see why he was giving me advice on this. His main point was that if you loan someone money and wait a long time for the repayment, you will start to resent that friend--especially if you ever see them doing anything that costs money: eating out, buying clothes, etc. But inevitably those things are going to happen because that is normal behavior.

Thanks for the advice, pop. Private lending will remain something that I am weary of.

The Greatest Site I have ever Written About

I recently saw this phrase on the internet: olde bulldog. What does that mean? Is that like a colonial bulldog? I am not really an animal person, so maybe I have been misinterpreting how dog years work. Instead of a seven to one ratio maybe it's more like fifty to one, and then it's easy for your olde bulldog to to seem like it came from colonial times once it reaches two hundred years old.

All joking aside, please click the links that are in this blog; it will make your day incredible. Just let the front page of this olde bulldog site open and blow your mind. I don't even want to get into what happens, because I want you, the reader, to analyze all the incredible details that exist on this site. Please, do me this one favor and follow these links.

There is nothing I could say that would prepare anyone for the classic and patriotic, yet futuristic setting that these olde bulldogs are placed in. It makes absolutely zero sense, but at the same time you will find it strangely comforting and appropriate; it is as if the veil has been lifted for the first time since our place of origin has been forgotten. This website is home.

Also, it originates from Texas, which makes this whole thing a lot funnier.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Like Columbus Day

Don't forget that Christmas is still a religious holiday, so when it comes around don't be afraid to buy those you love religious business cards. Even if the person you are giving the card to isn't religious, don't worry about offending them. Chances are they celebrate Christmas anyway, so they should have to endure all the things that accompany it.

Religious Christmas cards are still all over the place anyway, so people who aren't religious know the deal. If someone gets mad at you for giving them a Christian themed card, just say "Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't realize that never spent American currency either, you hypocrite." Then take back your fruitcake and cross them off the list of people to send cards to next year.

Pretty much every holiday we celebrate has a strange stigma with it in some way, so we can all either deal with it, or stop celebrating it. I, for one, would like to stop celebrating a few, but since that isn't really an option I kind of just have to deal with it and bring up why it's a weird holiday as often as possible. As you can all see, I am not great at solving problems.

Business Birthdays!

It is a total drag having to buy birthday cards for all the people in your family every year. Well don't worry because there is a new solution out there: bulk birthday cards. BOOM. Now you can give everyone in your family the same exact birthday card, and you can even give them the same one every year!

Having a similar problem at your place of business? Well just buy some corporate birthday cards while you're at it. POW. We all know that to survive in the corporate world one must pretend that the job is their entire life. This means treating all of your coworkers as if you love them because they are family, and not because they control your fate.

I know that when I step into the office I want everyone I pass to talk me as if they are a best friend who really cares about how I am doing. That way my bosses can also use guilt to get me to do things I don't want to do. I might even believe that they are actually sad when they decide to fire me, and that way I won't cause a scene. Nothing beats all of the underlying modes of a corporate birthday party!


I have always felt that used cars are the way to go. Buying a car that is a few years old makes a world of difference. In fact, buying a new car is hardly anything more than a status symbol. Cars are designed to do only one thing, so why should we be concerned with buying new ones all the time?

Luckily there are used car dealers all over the place. However, I don't really trust those places. The way to go, for me, would be to find an individual car online and buy it from someone who is similar to myself. That isn't to say they really need to be just like me, but rather a person instead of some kind of big business. I'm sure that buying a new Ford and driving it away from the dealership is something that a lot of people take great joy in, but that isn't for everyone.

A lot of people my age are buying their first new car, and feeling like real adults. That is not something I associate with my maturity or success, but I can see why someone would assume it has something do with theirs. Maybe I should just move out to Greenville with the rest of the hippies, right?

I'm a Modern Girl

I have never had a manicure or a pedicure. I just don't see the need for one or the other. If having less than perfect nails is something that would drive away a potential friend, lover, or coworker I would never worry about it, because that is clearly someone that I wouldn't want to associate with anyway.

The day spa is a place that I do not feel drawn to. A lot of my family members are fans, and that is fine, it just isn't for me. I would really prefer it if people didn't always expect others to be extremely neat, tidy, or tied down with cultural ideas that don't really help any of us progress in a tangible way. Having clean nails is somehow more important than being up to date on current events or being well read. There is no reason they should thought of as mutually exclusive.

Maybe I am just being too picky about everything. I used to live near San Diego, and a lot of people down there were vapid and without original ideas about anything. They made up for it by being "beautiful" in a way, and everyone seemed fine with that. The problem with beauty replacing intelligence is that it really is a much easier road to take, so I fear that it only becomes more and more common as time moves forward.

I'm Gross, Okay?

As a boy who grew up with three older sisters, all of which are pretty fancy girls, I am surprised that I didn't come out more effeminate that I did. I mean, I am decently feminine in a lot of ways, but I could have been much more affected.

I absorbed a lot of my sister's qualities--too many to get into--but all of the traits they wish I had are the ones that I didn't take to. Most of the time I talk like a speedy valley girl, which I am arguably am, but I have never dressed or looked like one. My sisters all wish that I dressed better and took better care of myself. I know this because they tell me all the time.

There are no trips to the day spa in my future, and it breaks my sisters' hearts. We used to all live near San Diego, and pretty much everyone in our area was obsessed with getting the perfect massage or manicure. I am not really worried about my appearance, which sounds great on paper, as if I am above it or something, but unfortunately nobody likes looking at people who aren't prim and proper. I guess we will see what happens with the rest of my life; maybe my sisters are right.

Get Poor

It is pretty much a fact that I will never become a rich man. How do I know this? Because I cannot imagine my hand reaching for a phone to dial a limousine service. Even in my wildest dreams, surrounded by people with jetpacks and cats that have Audrey Hepburn's head, I would still feel out of place in a limousine.

Some people are just not cut out for a life of cute luxuries, and I wouldn't want to ruin it for everyone else by trying to involve myself. I will steer clear of upper-class events and Washington DC okay? Is that enough? However, in return I would like it if the upper class stopped widening the gap that exists between the classes. I know that is your ultimate goal, but I could easily ruin a posh event if I showed up, so please really consider this offer.

I am normal-looking enough to sneak into any event thrown, but I am also on-the-fringe enough to burn it all down in a heartbeat. You don't want me eating your caviar, sailing your yacht, or cutting in front of you at the limousine service right? Right. So watch yourselves, upper crust; the poor are bored enough to revolt.

Still no GIFs Posted

I took a few photoshop and html classes in college (yeah for no reason), and if there is one thing they have in common it's that they have nothing in common. However, creating a website in photoshop is becoming more and more common.

Going from photoshop to html is something that never seemed likely, but apparently there is a way to easily format the two together and create websites with entirely new techniques. Pretty exciting stuff right? You don't have to answer--it is. That is why I took two classes about it in college and then graduated in something completely unrelated.

This really is supposed to be big news for the internet, as a whole, but let's get real. Technology, especially computers and the internet, go through a dramatic change about every fifteen minutes, so forgive me if I don't lose my mind with excitement over something like formatting for the design of new websites. I mean, I will go to the new websites okay? But that is as far as I am willing to act or care. Also, as previously mentioned, I will only go to that site if there are animated GIFs (of kittens) and glitter graphics (of Bratz quotes). There you go, internet, you now have my exact criteria for a great site--do your worst.

I Should Have Posted a GIF

I recently heard that creating a website in photoshop is becoming more and more popular than using html coding. My expertise in photoshop is restricted to animated GIFs and glitter graphics, so I am having a hard time thinking of a great website that could actually be created with photoshop (ed. note: A website of nothing but animated Gifs and glitter graphics would easily be the best website on the internet).

Let's be honest with ourselves: I don't really know anything about the internet or what makes it work, so this post would be better written by someone with a little more expertise. As far as I am concerned the internet is entirely made up of magic. I am only intelligent when it comes to things that can be interpreted in a million different ways--where concrete answers aren't necessary (the best loophole right?).

It's only the third paragraph and I am already completely off topic. Should I try to get back into something how photo shop websites are changing the face of all web design? It's too late now; we have forked off the road in a way that cannot be undone. Stay tuned and I will try to write this post over with a little more hustle and flow.

Friday, October 15, 2010

All Your Cultures Are Belong To Us

I am normally not to into the idea of alternative medicines. However, I have a great desire in myself to try out acupuncture for some reason. I don't care to eat things that claim to be organic, but for some reason the idea of someone sticking needles in my body sounds decent.

Maybe the idea is that I just don't trust any kind of alternative medicine invented in the last fifty years.. by white people. If something has been around for centuries and centuries I am more inclined to believe that it is actually doing something. Acupuncture is not the lemon cleanse or the ear candle--which are both absolutely and obviously ridiculous--even though it seems ten times as crazy as either of those practices.

I used to live near Los Angeles, and acupuncture was huge there. That is actually kind of a turn off. If a rich person or someone from Hollywood "swears by" anything it is clearly a fad. However, people in Los Angeles are into stealing the cultures of other peoples, so hopefully that is the case with acupuncture.

It is just so hard to know what is beneficial and healthy, as opposed to things that do nothing, using only racism and stereotypes alone. Oh well, this is the world we live in; go with it.

We Won't Fall From One to Two

I have recently spent some time working out with a personal trainer, it is a decent way to lose weight and promote weight loss therapy. Not that I really need to lose weight, but being skinny definitely does not equal being healthy.

I used to live near a place that I think was called Oxon Hill, and there were a decent amount of obese people in my area. I'm not saying that everyone needs to lose weight, but if they ever want to get married they had better start thinking about a little weight loss therapy. I am just being sarcastic; people should only lose weight if they want to. It's true that our culture has huge (hehe) stigmas on being overweight, but on an individual level we have the ability to fight those ideologies.

Maybe this is easy for me to talk about because I am thin, and thus society loves me. I am also male, white, straight, and Christian. How easy could one person have it? It's like we are living in feudal times and I was born into the royal bloodline. I might as well enjoy it now, because this can't last forever, and to be honest I can't wait for that; it's too much much pressure ruling the world.


I can't wait to grow old and wise, only to decide that those things aren't important and invest in some cosmetic surgery. What could be a better feeling than getting old and UGLY, only to be made into something that is relatively young-looking?

Don't worry about the fact that cosmetic surgery doesn't actually make people look young, but it does do something just a beneficial. We have all seen so many cosmetic surgery disasters that we now know exactly what they look like and mean. Instead of thinking that someone looks young we think, "Hey, that person doesn't like looking old," and that is just as good right? Hopefully, because that is exactly what everyone thinks. No one has ever gotten any kind of plastic surgery and been confused for a college student out on the prowl.

Speaking of old college people out on the prowl, I live near some cougars, and I wonder what their take on this type of surgery is. Actually, I do not want to get into that right now--I am running out of space. Whenever my posts near the end I always have to cut myself from talking about some other, unrelated topic. Like the cougar population in Northborough, because that is where I was going next.

Haha. 350.

So here is something to consider: what exactly are sunrooms? I often (not often) hear people talk about them, but the must be more to it than what is implied. Are you people talking about a room that the sun shines into? Yeah, we all have those. Most windows are pretty good about letting in the sunshine.

Maybe the person who invented sunrooms was actually just a big sweetheart. Perhaps they thought, "I wish there was a way to invent something that I could gift to everyone instantly. I've got it! I will just say that rooms that have windows are called 'sunrooms.' Boom! I am such a sweetheart!" This has to be the answer, because if someone tries to tell me that rooms need a certain amount of windows to be a sunroom I am going to go crazy.

People can't just change something without really changing it and then charge someone to build it. "Oh, you want an extra closet in here? Well that would actually turn this into a caveroom, and that is going to cost you a little extra. Such is life." I would like to think contractors wouldn't be so rudely poetic, but I think at this point it is pretty clear that they ARE.

Ed Note: This blog was not written in Milford MA.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Oh Hey, Debt

Here is a little known fact about me: I would rather be in jail or debt than go to a bail bondsman for help. Do you know why? because I would rather be in jail than be in debt with two broken legs. I am not saying that all bail bondsman are corrupt and violent, but they have at least set up their business to make money.

When someone loans out money, how do they make a profit? Let's think about this for just a few seconds. If you loaned someone money with a high interest rate, would you make more money if they paid you on time, or if they continually paid you late, and thus their fees would continue for much longer? If you make more money from people who can't afford to pay on time, would you set up your system to make it so it was much harder for anyone to pay on time?

The bail bondsman is just one example, but if you are in debt the system is set up to keep you in debt because that way you pay out more to the people owed. I know that seems ridiculously unfair, and it is, but not to the people who are collecting your debts. Just declare bankruptcy and hide out in Wilmington.


A month or two I had a serious plumbing emergency. I know what you guys are wondering: "Is this guy talking about the pipes in his bathroom, or he is talking about his personal gut pipes?" Well, as you may or may not know, I love a good mystery, so do your best to figure out which one I am talking about throughout this post.

So about a month I had to drink a bottle of some kind of stomach poison to help me go to the bathroom (there, you figured it out). If you really thought that I was going to use the phrase "bathroom emergency" to describe my shower being cold, or my toilet running longer than normal you are crazy. When you hear someone say "bathroom emergency!" (yes you can only yell it) then you know exactly what they are talking about.

My bathroom emergency is not something that needs to be delved into with very much detail. Suffice it say that I had to drink that poison, and then for about an hour they could hear my emergency as far away as Baltimore. See? Does anybody out there want any more details than that? Go write your own blogs and stop feeding off me!

The Best Waitress

A few weeks ago I went to a sushi bar by myself, and I had the best waitress ever. I should start this off by saying that most waitresses in the sushi bar (in every sushi bar, as far as I'm concerned) are all self-proclaimed babes who expect to get tips for being chatty and cute. That is fine lady, just not for me.

This waitress I had pretty much left me alone unless I clearly needed something. She never really said anything to me other than common courtesies. I left her a big tip to let her know that she did the right thing by leaving me alone.

It is an insult to both men and women to assume that I am go to pay someone for flirting with me. The waitresses shouldn't expect to get extra money just for being cute, and customers (read: men) shouldn't feel the pressure of leaving a bigger tip based on how many times the waitress touched their shoulder.

In the coming months I might move to Seattle or somewhere near there. All I can hope for is that the city is full of waitresses who didn't get the job based on their love of the merit versus action system. Two shoulder touches deserves a 50% tip. Yeah right.

More Flower Friends

Guess what? I now have two friends involved with the flower delivery industry. We will call them Randy and Ronny for the sake of anonymity. However, Ronny probably won't be in as many stories as Randy because he just isn't in as many strange situations.

Except! Recently Ronny was embarking on a little flower delivery when he met an old couple who invited him in to show him all of their bowling trophies and memorabilia. The old man was on oxygen but he apparently still had a crushing hand shake. Who knew that delivering flowers could give us all so much hope about getting old and not losing our strength and energy? Not that I am going to depend on bowling to keep me in shape for the rest of my life.

My two friends are very dependable delivery boys, and they would go anywhere from Salt Lake City to Yakima. They know that people need joy in their lives, and they know that it is up to them. It is a lot of responsibility, but they handle it with a grace and endurance that most people wouldn't expect. Some people (like me) would think, "These are just flowers; what's the big deal?" But Randy and Ronny know better.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Something I Actually Want to Talk About

Who else loves the movie Fargo? You should love it because it's practically perfect, and if you haven't seen it just let me know and you can come by and see it anytime. That movie has been analyzed and lauded enough for its intellectual, humorous, and cinematic prowess, so I would rather talk about another awesome aspect.

I cannot believe how much personal injury takes place in that movie. Of course that is a great way to teach people that crime doesn't pay whether you are the mastermind, the false mastermind, the muscle, the mouth, or the last man standing. In that movie crime falls apart from the inside out, as well as being pursued by moderately decent police officers.

Personal injury, death, and incarceration pick off the villains one by one until no one remains--even most of the victims are gone. No crime is victimless in that movie. However, all of the beautiful imagery, humor, and intellectual plot hidden in unintelligent dialogue, makes for one of the most brilliant films ever made--Sorry that I left out all of those details in this post, but there is just too much to cover in such a small amount of space. Go watch Fargo, people.

Something Not Cat Related

I wrote once about how much I would like to move to San Francisco with my friends and start a painting company. That might sound strange to the people who are not familiar with the original post (this is where the average blogger would link you, the reader, to their older post, but I am not about to go through all that extra work), but you can keep up without it (see? You don't even need it); the concept is not too difficult.

My reasoning was simple: I wanted to be outside and still be creating something beautiful. Having a painting company would afford me the ability to do both of those things while still getting paid. San Francisco came into the equation just because a lot of my friends already live there. Is it all making sense now? It should because it really simple yet awesome idea, and as my loyal readers you should all be supporting me in this venture.

If any of you can think of jobs that would afford similar benefits please let me know about them. You can reach me right here, on this blog. I check it pretty much everyday, and am usually pretty quick to get back to people and let them know that I love them.

Too Many Cat Posts?

Lately I have been talking a lot about my cats, and referring to the fact that they could use a little pest control, as it were. Well for all those who have been following this story with bated breath, there is news of about the cats! One of them is leaving at the end of the month with a previous owner, and we may have found a girl who wants to take the other one!

I know, I know--there is joy all around now. Plus there is no need to call pest control and cause a scene. I hope the girl who might take the cat moves to New York City with it, and we all never cross paths again. My roommates are worried that she will find out it's a bad cat, but all I can think is: "All cats are annoying, and so people who haven't noticed are never going to notice." There are no cats who are or aren't obnoxious, there are only people who pay attention and people who don't."

These cats could be in their last days with us, and I am so excited that I can barely move. I hope this blog isn't jinxing it all.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Obnoxious Cats

My house has two cats and I hate them both--is this something that a pest control company can take care of? I mean, it's their fault for using the term "pest," which is pretty broad in the first place. Does that mean they will take away obnoxious children as well? Their name implies that they will.

Pest control really needs to come by and get those cats though. I wasn't kidding when I said that I hated them. I don't even care what happens to them. They could be sent to a loving family in Des Moines, or they could left in the snow to die--either way works for me. Who likes cats anyway? They are easily the most selfish animals that we keep as pets. They only want food, sleep, and to be left alone. Cats are lucky that they are so cute as kittens, because otherwise we wouldn't put up with any of that crap.

Our landlords said that we have to get rid of the cats; I feel like dancing for 100 years. The bad news is that no one else in the house really wants to do anything about it, so they are still just hanging around like little fuzzy mooches. Buh.

New Jeans

You know who loves going to Chevrolet dealership? My brother-in-law. We are pretty close, and he is a cool dude, but there is one thing he loves to do that I consider torture. He likes to go to the Chevrolet dealership, test drive cars, and haggle with the salespeople. Seriously, he does that for fun; I cannot imagine a more stressful situation than that.

When I walk into a store at the mall and someone greets me at the door there is a fifty-fifty chance that I will leave right then. Note: this blog can get pretty sarcastic, but this is not one of those times. The other week I was trying to buy pants, and there was no one at the checkout. realizing that I would have to go find someone and ask them to help me, I opted to set the pants on the counter and leave. The funniest part of that story is that I still need new pants.

Which reminds me: does anyone want to go to the mall today? I know I do! Welcome back, sarcasm. I wish there was a way to get pants that fit without having to A) go into a store and B) try them on. Isn't this the future? Can't we figure out a better system? I just want to stay home and watch Chicago while my pants get shipped. (Ed. Note: I have never seen Chicago, and don't plan on it any time soon.)

A Concise Life

"What is the most important aspect of my car?" you might ask yourself. Well, all of us would have different answers, but since this is my blog guess whose opinion we are going to hear? If my car didn't have the ability to play music I would just walk or ride my bike everywhere--and in the winter I would just never ever leave my house.

Seriously, there is nowhere I have to be. I could talk my job into letting me work from home (eh?), and everything else is close enough that I could walk or bus to it. Plus I can be charming enough to get rides from suckers--not anyone reading this, other suckers. The point is that if my car no longer played music, and I didn't have the money for that kind of auto repair, I would just sell it. I would sell it forever. Auto repair had better be cheap when this problem arises.

I am trying to think of all the places that I go. I can only think of like three. Why do I even have a car? My favorite places to eat are either two blocks away or in my house, and all my books are already home. I live in a town smaller than Boise, so maybe that makes it easier, but I would like to think that I have just made my life concise and efficient.

My Buddies: A New Perspective

There is a group of kids that I know who take trips all the time. I am not saying they are rich kids without any real responsibility, but I am also not saying the opposite of that either. There is a rumor going around that their next vacation destination is going to be the brutal sounding town of Kill Devil Hills.

Since I know the locations of a lot of their former trips, Kill Devil Hills seems like just the place that these kids would love to stay. It has pristine beaches and killer vacation rentals, so what else could any mid-twenties party animal need? I am using the term "party animal" in a pretty loose way. These kids don't party in the real sense of the word, but I don't do anything at all, so whenever someone goes on a trip or to a movie I am always like "Whoooaaaa, say hi to the rest of the party animals for me." Aren't you guys glad I explained that?

Needless to say, those kids are relative party animals, and I am a relative corpse. However, after a deadly trip to Kill Devil Hills I will seem a thousand times more alive than those party people.

My Buddies

Some of my friends are planning a trip for the coming spring. I am tempted to suggest Kill Devil Hills just to see how they all react. I'm sure some of them will be into the idea, but for those who have never heard of the town, they will probably think that I am kidding or being a jerk.

I will have to explain that Kill Devil Hills is a real place with real vacation rentals. The real test will be seeing if they ever start believing me; the more I talk about how it real a town with that name is, the more sarcastic it is likely to sound. The good people of Kill Devil Hills set us all up for that one: "Hey, what would be a good way to promote our town? I got it! We can give it such a crazy name that people debate its existence, and then have to come visit to settle their bets." Good call, fictional mayor.

The truth is that I will not suggest this place as a location for my friends' trip, because the people I am talking about are not really even my friends. What? Like you guys never pretend you hang out with the popular kids.

The War in Heaven

Did you guys know that in Kill Devil Hills people can ride toboggans down big sandy hills? That is crazy. But by "crazy" I mean seriously awesome. Do you remember what the worst parts of riding toboggans in the normal conditions are? The answer is this: The normal conditions are ice and cold ice.

Riding a sled down the sandy hills of Kill Devil Hills is probably what killed the devil in the first place. People having the best time ever is most likely what the devil hates the most. If clapping bring fairies back to life, then laughter and joy-squeals probably kills demons. Wait... I am figuring something out. If sliding down those hills is what makes people happy, and that happiness killed the devil, then that is why the town is called Kill Devil Hills! BOOM. Some people might think that answer is a stretch, but if you think that then you weren't playing close enough attention. Did you see that trail of logic? It's called math, people.

The point to this post is to let people know that sliding down sandy hills is awesome--so awesome that it probably kills the devil every time you do it. Sliding down sandy hills is probably how the war in heaven was won in the first place.