Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Getting Funnier

Some of you out there might be thinking, "I need to lose weight TODAY. Not in six months, like some kind of athlete or person with a balanced diet, but RIGHT NOW." If you are saying that, I will first ask you to calm down--take a deep breath, and I will make you a special offer if you promise not to go crazy about it. What if you could combine a fast diet with something that also made your skin healthier--does it sound too good to be true? MAYBE IT IS.

I am talking of course about the hCG diet skin care routine that is so popular with... people. So what happens is that hCG is a hormone that is taken out of pregnant women (don't ask how) and then it is your job to take that hormone and inject it directly into your bloodstream. If you aren't convinced by now that this is the best idea ever, I don't really know what else to tell you--it's pretty obvious.

The problem with most other skin care techniques is that they will always leave kind of oil or residue on your skin, and that is seriously gross. By injecting this magic baby serum into your veins your skin will be free to exists as it did before, only now all the good stuff will come up from underneath--boom, oil free skin care. Can you say nutrients? Probably!

Do not concern yourself with reading books, learning musical instruments, painting, knitting, writing, photography, or anything else that is a massive waste of time. Do you think you're going to get noticed/dates just because you can speak intelligently? It won't matter if you're fat--people won't even listen to you. And if you're skinny do you think giggling all the time and having nothing to say will stop you from getting attention? The reality in what I have just said is hilariously heartbreaking. This is the world we live in--what are you going to do?

Sorry, back to dieting and being cute. What is better than being skinny? Being skinny and having nice skin! Well now both of those things can be yours if you want them badly enough. By that I mean if you have a little bit of money and enough of a desire to actually stick a needle into your arm and fill your veins with juice from all three trimesters. In fact that shouldn't even be a question, because who wouldn't do that? It's like, Hello?

Lots of companies sell hCG so it is probably pretty safe right? Right--that is definitely the way it is... supposed to be, at least. Trusting companies is a great thing to do because they really care about the customer. I mean, their first priority is to turn a profit--you know, to make money off of people--but I'm sure the customer's safety is somewhere in the top twenty. A company wants to sell you a product because they want to help you--not because they are trying to stay afloat! What kind of world do you think we are living in? Goodness.

If you had started injecting yourself with hCG at the beginning of reading this blog, you would be skinny by now. Let that be a lesson to you in the art of acting-fast-without-thinking. In fact, if you think about decisions at all before you make them, just quit doing that right now. The world we live in is designed for us to just float along in and have everything presented, and then sold, to us. I for one applaud the world of marketing and business for being so thoughtful and kind to all of us simple consumers who don't have ability to know poison when we see it.


Sometimes I feel very cutoff from the rest of the world. But that isn't really true, because I always feel very involved with the world around me, with this culture, and with the people I know. Yet whenever I happen to walk by a news stand, or sit in front of a friend's TV for a few minutes I am absolutely surprised by the world as it exists without me.

Are people really so concerned with these celebrities, their looks, and useless things to spend money on? These things are so obviously ridiculous, trivial, and pointless that it is laughable to me that anyone would care about them--but it is only funny for a moment. It stops being funny as soon as I remember that this is what the majority of people spend their lives worrying about. I also remember that I purposely cut myself off from these things because I find them so depressing. Even my friends who say that they only ironically watch The Hills or Twilight are still supporting those factions and enabling more like them to be made.

More and more of the majority of our country is becoming concerned with things like hCG diet skin care and plastic surgery. Where did these insane ideals for beauty and acceptance come from? there are so many infinite for a person to have worth and purpose, yet the only ones we seem to care about are men's abs/wallet and a woman's breast-waist-hip ratio. If that is true then what am I doing wasting all my time reading books, making music, and writing? I should be more worried about whether or not my oil free skin care methods are right for my skin type. Duh.

The sad thing is that everyone that I have just deemed an idiot would look at my lifestyle and think that I am an absolute screw-up. Not because I have no self-worth--in fact it would be easy to note my accomplishments, talents, intelligence, and normal appearance. It is the fact that I have not exploited myself in a way that makes money that everyone would find so disappointing. I am so "normal" in every respect aside from my non-desire for money, that when people who are considered average see me they think one thought: What a waste.

What a waste indeed. If I accomplish nothing important in my life--which, arguably, I haven't--I will still have done my best to contribute as little possible to a society of orange, toned mothers and rich, loveless fathers who care only about success based based on salary.

When I was younger I thought people who think the way I am thinking now were just fools who couldn't succeed, so they designed a world where non-success was still a way to accomplish something. Now that I am older and have become one of those people, that thought is not entirely gone from me. I look around at many of my peers who do their best to join subcultures and be a part of something more meaningful than shopping at the mall. But most of the time they are just looking for excuses to remain like children for a long as possible.

That is why it is so difficult to overcome our culture as it is--because those of us who care and have the ability to do something are guilty by association of those who take the time to want, but not to learn, create, or solve.

On my own I cannot accomplish anything, and that is most likely the way it will always be. All I can do is try to teach the children I might never have something more important than which side of their hair to part--and hope that some other family out there is just as worried as I am about the future idiocy of the world at large.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Two fat Kittens in one Day

There are a million ways to lose weight. However, only like three of those ways are safe. Those three ways are also known as the SLOW ways, so don't even worry about them. What you need is a diet that will start working in fifteen minutes and drop you to your lowest survival weight.

What you need to do is buy hCG and some hCG shots--there is no better way to take a weight loss hormone taken from pregnant women than by injecting it directly into your bloodstream. Those other diets are like, "Take these pills and never eat again." But you should question that diet by asking, "What--I don't have to inject anything? That sounds like a scam to me." Stick with what works: the hormones of pregnant ladies used as nature intended.

Do any of use have time to lose weight? No way--I have reality TV to watch! I need to drop thirty pounds in the next eighty-five seconds or I will throw a fit. If you can relate to what I just said, then hCG diet injections are for you, and probably for everyone you know. If you stay fat for even one more day, the Earth will throw you into space as a result of her disgust.

Do You want to Be fat Forever? Do You?

HCG, or human chorionic gonadotropin, is a hormone that is produced by an embryo during pregnancy. Its purposes are many and difficult to explain, so we will just leave it at that for now. However, one use outside of pregnancy is weight loss. Oh, obviously that is what we should do with our natural hormones--turn them into something that can be sold in a moderately unsafe way.

People can get hCG shots as easy any other diet injections these days. hCG injections are often associated with extreme weight loss, and very, very low-calorie diets. We all know that looking skinny is the most important thing in the world--just kidding, no one should ever know that. However, even if that were true no one should risk their health for it.

It was diet expert Laura Fraser who reported that warnings by the Journal of the American Medical Association and the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition say that hCG diet injections are neither safe, nor effective as a weight-loss aid. However, maybe you should buy some. Sure it might be dangerous for other people, but I mean, you REALLY need to lose some weight. Don't let things like science, logic, common sense, and safety keep you from looking your best.

New and Old Hispters

The hip kids buy nearly everything used. Actually that isn't right--ten years ago hip kids bought all of their clothing and such at thrift stores and other places that sold used clothing. Now they spent four hundred times as much buying new clothes that look used. Really great idea. Well, these kids should get back to the idea of buying used clothes; it was cool to not be rich, instead of being rich but not looking like it--these are two very different things.

In fact, not only clothes this time around. How about things like used racing tires? Buying used tires is a little too sketchy, but buying used racing tires adds a little originality to the danger, so it is okay. I grew up in California, where everyone is cool in a million different ways--and ironically, in a lot of the same ways too. Buying something like used racing tires would be enough to help someone stand out as a hip individual without forcing them to shell out tons of money for new items.

This is only wishful thinking; I know that the hipsters are so deep into buying fancy things, that they will never come back out. They will just keep working at terrible jobs and wasting all their money on clothes that don't make the man. Woo!

Best Company Name Ever

Let's say you want to start some kind of diamond business. You are well aware of the beauty that comes from diamonds, and that they are seen by many as the pinnacle of beauty in the natural world. You are going to need to name your company something extremely powerful--something that simply destroys the names of other companies when they are compared.

The names needs to represent the END of all other diamond companies, as well as sound powerful with a strong corporate dynamic. Are you ready? Omega Stones Enterprises. That is it. That name is like a 500 lb football player who can run at 60 mph down the field, just demolishing whatever gets in his way. "Oh no. Number 16--that's Omega Stones Enterprises! He has just knocked that heads off of five other players, and even a few from his own team!" Triumph.

If you ever come across a jewelry company with that name, do yourself a favor and buy whatever they tell you. If they offer you a Samuel Clerk Diamond don't tell them that it doesn't sound real, just smile and hand them blank checks. You will be glad you did when you leave the mall with your head still attached.

Diamonds vs Ice

When jewelers or rappers refer to diamonds as "ice," what is the implication? We are all well aware that diamonds and ice are two completely different compounds that share no similarities. The obvious connection is that they kind of look the same, but even that is a stretch.

Perhaps a lot of jewelers are sick diamonds, so they are trying to degrade them by referring to them as ice in order to, over the course of several years, phase them out of the public eye. Or, perhaps I am wrong it is the other way around. Maybe people feel that ice is not getting the credit it deserves, so they are sneakily trying to get a little more positive attention to it. Before long people will be saying things like, "It is so hot; I need a drink with some DIAMONDS in it."

Whatever the reason is, jewelers ranging from Reno to Las Vegas will be putting ice on their shelves--which kind of ice do I mean!? That is for the jewelers to decide. Either diamonds are on the way out, or ice is on the rise. Choose a side, buy some stocks, and hope that you made the right decision.

Friday, August 27, 2010

The Best Lawyers

The last time I checked, everyone in this country was worried about not getting their social security when the time came. In fact, if I correctly remember the first episode of The OC (which I do), Ryan does some quick math in his head and says that people are going to be required to stay in their jobs until they're 80 if they want their full social security. Forget that.

Call up a social security attorney right now, and beg for their help. If The Man is trying to screw you over, then the only thing you can do is to and get a member of The Man's team on your side--a lawyer is someone from The Man's side, in case you were wondering. Getting a team of SSI lawyers on your side is the best way to try and get the money that Uncle Sam promised you.

No one forced our uncle to promise us this money, but since he did we are going to make sure that we get it. I will go to law school just to become an SSI attorney and get what I've got coming to me. And I'll help all of you out for free--just kidding, I will never be a lawyer.

Secret Shops

I have never been one to buy designer clothes, but that may just be because I have never had the privilege of being in a store that has designer consignment deals going on. Basically, designer consignment means that this store is selling you something that someone else gave to them. Isn't that amazing? It's almost like being in any other store, in any part of the world.

If you are concerned about getting into the network of designer consignment authorized shops then you can FORGET about it. You think just any store goes around waving their fancy products in everyone's faces? No way. When a store is allowed to sell a product that someone else made they have to keep it a pretty decent secret. Otherwise everyone might try to come in and buy stuff. It would be madness!

All I am saying is: be on the lookout for sales or for people who care about designer consignment sales. Look for people who have on T-shirts that cost over $100, and are wearing several layers of makeup. Their makeup should have on makeup on it--as if their face is an Inception joke that they will never get (which it is. BRAAAHM).

Designer Law Terms

If there is one positive thing that comes from designer consignment shops, it is that people who love fashion and expensive clothes are now forced to figure out what the word "consignment" means. If a model sees the phrase Designer Consignment as a part of some ad for a clothing store, he or she will think, "I know that this store sells things that I like to buy, and I know that the word "designer" means that things will be expensive and important... but that other word..."

This model will be forced to look up the word, which is a law term having to do with putting one person or item into the hands of another person until said object is sold to a third party. That should clear things up for our friend the model. Their heart will be filled with joy as they decide to give up on the meaning of the word and just go shop there anyway.

Designer consignment is a great way to make really expensive things even more expensive and important. Whether the prices are more or less expensive, something about the whole experience feels very black market--which is also another way of saying rare.

Party Rugs

Do you want to know the best reason to buy Oriental Rugs? No, it is not so you can pretend that The Orient is a real place--it is so you can cover up the crap on your carpet instead of hiring someone to clean it! Plus, by buying an Oriental rug and not some cheap old throw rug, your friends will think you are seriously cultured. Think of it--Just by covering up a gross stain, everyone will think you are clean and fancy. I hope the irony isn't lost on all of you.

If I lived in a different city I would definitely invest more money in Oriental rugs. For instance, if I lived in Atlanta I would always have some spare rugs around because I would constantly be throwing crazy parties--it's practically a requirement of the city. My place would get filthy, but I would cover up those spills and stains moments after they appeared.

Covering up a problem and not fixing it is the American way--I hope you are noticing this irony as well. Let me be the first to say that I have no problem covering up problems with temporary solutions. We should all be lucky enough to feel so free.

Tree Tricks

As humans, we definitely love our trees, but there is always more we do for them. So what kinds of tree services are out there? Well for one we could trim off all their dead branches and make sure that they have plenty of room for the new branches to grow in.

Tree services are a great way to show Mother Gaya that we care for her little baby tree beings. We could also go out of our way to make sure that the trees in our area are getting enough nutrients and water to make them strong and huge. Just think, the stronger a big tree grows up, the stronger it will make MY HOUSE! Ha! This was all just a trick to make trees more ripe for chopping down.

Oh, hi tree--would you like a little tree service? Too late, I just chopped you down. Did you think your life was going to be like life in Atlanta, tree? Were you going to party all night until eight in the morning? Doesn't look like it.

Trees are taking over this planet, and we need to remind them that we are on the top of the food chain. I don't know if we eat trees, so I'm not sure they fit onto the food chain at all... but we can still chop them down, so that definitely us above them in some way.

Just Kiss Someone Nice

Here are the top reasons to not enter a sex shop:

1. The people in there will all be pretty weird and gross, so don't feel bad if you never get to meet them (I am talking more about the customers than the employees).
2. The products will all make you feel like an idiot. In case you didn't know, they are all pretty much made for people with the sexual advancement of a thirteen year-old.
3. Those are two pretty great reasons to not enter the sex shop, or buy sex toys.
4. Guess how much sex costs? It's free, dude--go home.
5. I pretty much just want to repeat all of these reasons one more time, but I will spare you the repetition.

Whether you live in Toronto or Kitchener (haha), there is probably a sex shop withing a few miles of your home. Just take my word for it--Don't google it or try to see if I am right because it will just bum you out. If you feel the need to do something extravagant and exciting, just go look at some art, or eat some fancy food. In fact, go find and kiss someone nice, because that person definitely is not a toy.


So you live in Toronto Canada--you are probably pretty bored. There are a few things you can do, but there are also a few things you shouldn't do. Maybe you are thinking about going to the sex shop and loading up on sex toys, and maybe that is something you shouldn't do.

Don't get all weird and assume that I am some kind of prude. The sex shop isn't the problem, it's the ridiculous toys they sell. Guess what? I'm not 13, so the stuff you sell me doesn't have to make me giggle. Let me get this straight: as kids we are not allowed to even know that sex exists, but as adults we have to treat sex like we are little kids? How patronizing.

In fact, just by calling them "sex toys" implies that all of the items are for little kids. I have a degree, dude--I am not a little kid, and I do not think that I need toys to have a party. The only people who would want sex toys are little kids, and they aren't allowed to even know that sex is a thing. We are all getting really, really weird, and this is just one example.

Movie Ideas

I am trying to think of a movie that revolves around a chiropractor. I am having a seriously hard time thinking of one. Does this mean that the lack of movies focusing on a chiropractor are cause to make a movie about a chiropractor, or is it a clue that people have tried and failed?

Well it is my opinion that a good writer and filmmaker can make an interesting story about anything. So maybe it isn't that people have failed at making a chiropractor movie, they just haven't tried hard enough. Life is about challenging yourself, people--stop making the easy movies where animals wear sunglasses and people date despite being annoying. I want to see something about a rogue chiropractor with nothing to lose. BOOM. That was my pitch--get to work on it.

I can't remember if it's Hollywood or Gulfport where all the movies get made, but if one of those cities is reading this then heed my words: I watch a lot of movies dude, so I know what I am talking about. A chiropractor with a license to kill, and a dog wearing sunglasses would form a movie team that we could both agree on--we would both see that stupid movie.

No Job for Me

Here is a list of reasons about why I could never be a chiropractor:

1. I do not like to touch people, or to be touched. That is kind of a big part of the whole job.
2. I could not sit in a room and talk with a different person every half hour all day long--I would go crazy.
3. In that same vein, I could not talk to anyone while I was simultaneously bending their head and body around in painful, yet helpful, ways.
4. I seriously would not want to touch any of those people. I just needed to reiterate how important that point is.
5. There is a lot of schooling that a chiropractor must go through. Some school I can handle, but something tells me I couldn't handle chiropractor school.
6. I don't like using the word "chiropractor" all the time... But maybe that is just because of this blog--I have kind of thrown in out there a lot on this post.

I could think of more, but I am sick of even thinking about not being a chiropractor. I am not from Gulfport or anything, but I still know a thing or two about life. Such as doing what you want and avoiding the things that bug you. That defines me just fine.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Pest Consequences

Here are the top reasons to have a pest control company come in and clean out your house.

1. Bugs are gross, and if they are living in your house, that makes you gross by proximity.
2. Rats and other rodents are gross, so the same theory in reason #1 applies here as well.
3. If you are doing anything in your house and a rat runs by, it will ruin that thing you are doing.
4. Mini-list about things that can be ruined (see reason #3): Cooking, talking, kissing, laughing, sleeping, relaxing, or selling your house.
5. Not having a pest control company come and help clean out your house will make you look really, really lazy to everyone who knows that you have a nasty, rodent infested home.

So whether you live in Mobile AL, or Los Angeles, there is no harm in having some pest control people come out and fix up your place. Even if you are a hippie and are thinking, "Those creatures are beautiful, man--just live and let live my bro-chum." Tell that to everyone in Heaven who is dead because of the plague. That was a rat, dude. We all need to control our pests, whether it is to clean up the house or prevent the Angel of Death from returning with the plague.

Unimportant Gifts

Guys, if you buy your girlfriend some wholesale fashion jewelry, there are two ways to go about it.

First: You can lie about it being fake. This implies that you don't care enough about your girlfriend to buy her something real (even though buying her jewelry as a gift at all implies no real thought). Plus, you run the risk of her finding out and kicking your head off.

The second, more Honest route would sound something like this: "Sweets, I bought you some jewelry--don't get too excited, it's fake. Since this jewelry is just a symbol of our love I didn't feel the need to waste money on it, since you still have the tangible symbol (wink). Plus just by buying you jewelry I decided to use the symbol that all the other guys in the world use too, so buying you jewelry isn't exactly a special act anyway. Where do you want to go to dinner?"

Maybe you wouldn't say the part about everyone else using the same symbol when they buy wholesale fashion jewelry, but that is what you are doing. Buying your lady a gift that all other guys get for all other girls is not special or meaningful. It just shows that you don't know enough about your loved one to get them something that is a specific to them.

Being Cute and Shiny

Here is a list of reasons to buy wholesale fashion jewelry:

1. It is cheaper than other types of jewelry--as in not for wholesale.
2. Jewelry is beautiful, and thus by wearing it you will be beautiful too.
3. Being fashionable is important because it shows people that, even though you aren't smart, you are at least aesthetically pleasing.
4. In order to get people to notice you, you need to be shiny--think about birds who pick up shiny things and put them in their nests. That "nest" could be the house of a rich doctor.
5. I cannot think of a 5th reason.

What an impressive list right? You probably feel like going out and buying all the wholesale fashion jewelry you can get your hands on. Make sure that when you are out there looking for those killer prices you shop around a lot--there are lots of wholesale stores that are offering great deals. Find the best one and only lighten your wallet a little bit. then you will be fashionable and thrifty--what could be a better combination?

Next I need to make a list of the top reasons to not buy this kind of jewelry--not that I have anything against it, but I just like to be balanced in my dealings with my fellow humans.

Gambling Problem

Are you in Nevada and need to gamble really bad? I would assume the problem is that you had some money, but you lost it all gambling and now you are thinking that you will win it all back. Well the best is just to get a cash advance.

Don't worry about the stuff you saw is movies like Casino--loan sharks are no big deal. Not that getting a cash advance is the same thing as a loan shark--they have different names! But whatever you do, don't stop gambling, because that is what a quitter would do. You aren't a quitter are you?

Riddle me this: If people are supposed to win tons of money gambling, then how is it still a business? It is obvious that if people won money, the house would lose money, and this business would have ended long ago. This means that you will rarely win at all, because if the customer normally won, then nobody would get into the gambling business. Should I repeat and re-word it again--are you paying attention? No? Fine, just head to the cash advance place and be careful with how much money you actually take out. This is not a sarcastic warning either--please be careful.

Video Game Music

Right now I am listening to the soundtrack to the 8-bit Scott Pilgrim vs The World video game. It is changing my life--everything I do now feels optimistic and heroic. I feel like I could punch through some auto glass without even trying--and that stuff is way harder than house glass.

Seriously, everyone should go download this soundtrack--not for free or anything... But when you do get it start with the song "Another Winter"--You're welcome. We will all be punching holes in auto glass before the day is done, and the owners of the cars will be so pumped about these songs that they won't even mind. And if they do mind then we'll punch one more really fast hole and run away. Note: This soundtrack also makes people run faster. Probably.

I am reaching out to all my friends right now: Justin in Orem, Andy in Pittsburgh, somebody in Baton Rouge--The whole world. Just listening to this music is making me work faster and happier. I feel like I am having an auditory seizure, only it feels awesome. I can't promote this enough, so don't be surprised if a few more posts with this theme come out today--it is just my life right now.

Glass Houses

Why can't we put auto glass in the window frames of our houses? I know that the windows on cars have a much more dangerous life than the ones on a house, but that doesn't mean we should let our houses fall into a state of secondary safety. We need to do something about this.

By putting auto glass on our homes, we would be protected from rocks, baseballs, and giant hail. If a car can handle tons of stuff smacking into the windshield while speeding down the freeway, then it should be more than adequate for the windows in my kitchen. I am just thinking of the safety of myself and my roommates--I don't want a stray ball to come smashing through the window, showering us with crazy chunks of glass and danger.

Now that I am thinking about it, it seems downright selfish of the auto glass industry to try and keep this special glass away from homes. I am going to take this all the way to the supreme court in Baton Rouge--that's where they meet, right? Doesn't matter, the point is that I am going to make a change. Start checking the headlines in your morning paper.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

I know, I know.

Sex Toys--is this really the phrase that someone decided to use when describing adult sexual accessories? No one has "toys" after the age of ten--until we are old enough to get down, and then all of sudden we have sex toys. Doesn't that make everything seem a little too... childish for what it really is?

We aren't ten year-olds trapped in an adult's body--We don't need companies to call sexual items "toys" to keep us from feeling guilty about buying them. They really do make everything seem like it's some kind of novelty or game. It's like saying, "These things are only ok if you buy them in a semi-ironic way." Sexual "abnormality," as it were, has to a be a half joke, because if it is seen just an addition to sexual pleasure in a non-traditional way, society will be pretty bummed.

It isn't like I love the sex shop or anything--in fact they are pretty obnoxious. And the reason for this is because their sex toys make the customers look like weird children. Perhaps the use of the word "toy" is more appropriate than I originally thought, I just wish that it wasn't that way--it is pretty patronizing.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I don't really Know

So some people out there might think that I don't know what JWH-018 is. First off, do you really think that? Oh, you really think I don't know about JWH-018? If you really believe that I don't know about everything that can be found on the internet, then you're crazy.

JWH-018 is totally my favorite... thing. I have like one hundred of them all over my house. One day I was just sitting around, and I was like, "Whoa where's all my JWH-018?" Then I realized that I had never bought any, so I went out and loaded up on all the JWH-018 I would ever need--sometimes you just need to buy things in bulk.

But back to you people acting like I don't know about JWH-018. Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I can't believe I'm being treated this way right now. I wake up everyone morning, check up on my blogs, and expect to be treated with a little respect--like that is too much to ask. I guess if I am not going to be appreciated then I will quit writing blogs altogether. I hope you guys are all happy--I hope this is what you all wanted. See ya.

Monday, August 23, 2010

You Know...

Remember that movie where the old guy from Okinawa makes the kid from New Jersey take on some house painting? Maybe it will help you remember if I mention that the house painting helps the kid learn karate, which in turn helps him win a tournament, respect, and hearts. You got it? You got it.

I didn't want to say the title of the movie because then I would also have to put it in italics, and then say what year it came out--it's only appropriate. There is no way I was going to go through all that when I know that all of you have seen the movie I'm talking about.

But really, did that kid really learn karate from house painting? That's awesome. He could walk through the streets of Atlanta late at night and not even worry about getting attacked. After fighting off some thugs he could explain that all he knows how to do is wash cars and paint houses. Not only would his enemies be literally defeated, but now emotionally defeated as well. After all, that have probably spent a lot of time learning how to kick butts, only to be destroyed by some kid who excels at manual labor.

Son, You'll Be a Dentist

There is a large debate in the world over the most unsung Steve Martin role. I could debate that issue right here, but I would rather just state my favorite, small Martin roll and then back it up. His role as the dentist in the 1986 version of Little Shop of Horrors, easily takes my vote. The dentist is already such a strange character, and bringing someone like Steve Martin to the role was a great idea.

For one, we hardly every get to hear him singing in movies, and this movie is a full-on musical--not just a few songs like in Three Amigos. For another thing, the dentist is a villain, and Martin is usually too lovable to play anything but a jerk, at most. However, as the dentist, his pipes and physical demeanor do well to make the role both entertaining and disturbing.

I think the movie takes place in Spring Hill FL (no it doesn't), and follows the story of a plant who craves blood to survive. Martin's dentist is a glutton for dishing out pain, and learns at a young age that he will probably have to become a dentist--makes sense to him. If you haven't this version of the musical, do yourself a fat favor and check it out.

The Best Ben

Let me tell you about Ben Best. He might appear to just be a young man with a catering job, but appearances can be deceiving. He is also a lover of cats and a shredder of guitars. The average person might say, "You know, I am satisfied with my life in the catering business--I don't need art or emotions to be happy." Not only would that person be wrong, but they would also not be Benjamin Q Best.

If you ever see a dude sauntering down the street with massive headphones on and at least one green item of clothing, you might be looking at the man, the mystery. Perhaps you will be at an event and someone on the catering crew will be throwing back Italian sodas like there is no tomorrow--could it be?

Ben, or as we sometimes call him, Mequon, might be able to fool you into thinking that catering is his life, but YEAH RIGHT. He is a cultured man about town, interested in dining out and intellectual films. I hope there are at least fifteen eligible ladies out there reading this--do not miss this opportunity. Ben won't be available forever, so start making some headway now, and maybe in a few years you will have finally won him over.

Costco Limo

There are a lot of reasons to use a limousine service--rides to the airport, looking impressive on the way to business meetings, and going to the prom are just a few of the common uses of a limousine service. However, I would like to suggest a more practical reason to rent a limo: Shopping at Costco.

Anyone who has ever been inside of a Costco already understands what I am talking about. No other store has more gigantic items, and having a lot of extra space in your car is the key to getting everything you need. Pretty much everything in Costco is in bulk, right? But many of us just buy a few items and not everything on our grocery list--we go to other stores for certain items. This way everyone could buy everything they need, and be stocked for months! These more infrequent shopping trips will negate the cost of the limousine service.

Whether you live in San Marcos or Orange County use this advice when you head to your nearest Costco. Buy up all the massive items your little heart desires, and fill your house with delicious bulk foods for months to come. You really might like using the limo more than you think--or the same amount, I don't really know. Just try it is all I'm saying

Saturday, August 21, 2010

I Am Barely a Criminal

A lot of people do not like idea of a criminal defense lawyer. This is because most people see crimes as defined by law and not by a set of ethics. I was once arrested because of a broken taillight. That's right--because the taillight of my car was broken, I was issued a ticket that was never paid, and thus a warrant was put out for my arrest. Let's look at this from non-insane point of view.

What is the problem with a broken taillight? The biggest problem I can think of is that at night someone might run into the back of my car. This is isn't technically a crime, but I suppose it is a little discourteous. However, my light only had a small hole in it, meaning it still glowed red--not to mention I had another light in perfect working order.

In the eyes of the law I was a criminal on the run; I had better hire a criminal defense firm to watch my back. Yet in the eyes of any normal person I hadn't done anything wrong. I grew up near Vista CA where real crimes happened all the time. The police should waste less time making money on tickets and more time arresting people who break the laws that have a purpose.

Plumbing Ghosts

The other week the plumbing in our bathroom was doing things I didn't know were possible. First the toilet clogged; that's pretty normal, and there are three guys in my house, so I wasn't too concerned yet. After some light plunging our plumbing still wasn't giving in. We didn't have any tools to help us, so we just kept on plunging away.

After several tries throughout the day the clog finally went away and our plumbing was all clear--or so we thought. As the water in the toilet finally went down, the drain in the shower started oozing up everything that had been in the toilet... What? Since this went against everything I thought I knew about plumbing I just stood there and watched it happen. After a few moments the water and gunk went back down the drain. We bleached the tub, and this has never happened again.

Whether you live in Sacramento or New York, watch out for plumbing ghosts, and the like. Seriously what was going on? I don't know if the random flooding was the weird part, or the fact that it has never happened again. I have never heard of a plumbing ghost, but I think I am going to stand by that theory for a while.

Please, Just Be Normal

I have had plenty of accidents in my life. Lucky for me none of them have been too serious. And by not serious I mean that I have never had to hire a personal injury lawyer. This makes me a good person. How can not getting injured make a good person? Excellent question, Internet. The important things is not actually that I have never sustained a serious injury, the important thing to note is that I have never felt I was hurt to enough to sue someone for a little money.

Not hiring a personal injury lawyer doesn't actually make me a good person--it makes me a normal person. That is to say, it should make me a normal person, but it seems like so many people are filing greedy and frivolous lawsuits these days that I seem nice by comparison. Not trying to squeeze money out of people is something that should be a common trait for every human being. So where is it?

Whether you live in New York or Houston this problem can be found. People are getting more and more greedy, and there doesn't seem to be any end to it. The obvious solution should be saying, "Hey stop being so weird," but no one listens to common reasoning like that.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Cooking Stuff

Why are there copper pots and pans? I always thought copper was normally reserved for plumbing and conducting electricity. Perhaps a copper pot can conduct heat the same way it can conduct electricity. I have no way of knowing how true this can ever be, and I am definitely not about to look it up, so it will all be speculation from here on out.

If people can get burns from electricity then that means there is tons of heat in there somewhere. Logically this means that copper pots and pans can conduct heat to your veggies like gangbusters. So go and get some pans that will give your food electrical burns--flash fry that garlic and oil in no time flat. Plus your friends will be impressed that you have purchased such an aesthetically pleasing set of cookware.

After thinking about this subject as I was writing it, I came to the conclusion that copper cookware sets are great for cooking food fast and efficiently. If you don't believe me just read this post one more time--I can wait. Done? Now that you see it my way, go forth and buy some of these fancy cooking items and change your life for the better.

Making School Buses Quieter

Buses are getting a little boring these days. Kids on school buses are getting more and more rowdy every year. What could the solution possibly be? The answer is clearly to make school buses into fun converted buses. Not only will the kids be quiet in awe of the awesome bus, but the driver will even enjoy their job more.

Making a large MCI Coach into a converted bus is the best way to make kids close their mouths for a few seconds. And if you school administrators out there don't think you can get the funding for something like that, just slap the Alphabet on one of the walls in there. BOOM, educational. Kids love learning when they don't think they are learning. Because kids are suckers.

But really if schools had giant converted buses that were entertaining as well educational, then maybe more kids would be inclined to ride the bus to school. Oh, good for the environment too? I will give the school districts around the country a few years to make this happen, after that I will write a reminder blog post about it. I only have so much patience for things like this--I am only human after all.

Hey, Bro...

I am sick of not having a huge car. What, you think I'm just going to go out and buy a Hummer or something? Get real. I need something with a little more presence than that. The question now is which massive vehicle to buy, and dominate with.

I've got it! A giant converted bus. Dudes in Hummers will be like, "Whoa look at that new H4!" And I'll be like, "You wish!" and smash into them. A converted bus would not only be a great way to show the world how important I am, but it would also be a great place live (workout). An MCI Coach is a decently sized vehicle, but at this point bigger is always better.

I can't wait to show all my bros out there my new ride. Trevor will be like, "Yo, that is a pretty nice converted bus." And I'll be like, "Trevor... PLEASE. Like you even know about converted buses? Talk to me when your tan doesn't need A TAN." I know that everyone is probably going to be pretty jealous of my boss idea, and that's totally fine with me. You think I'm worried about those haters? Like I even worry about anything.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Just One Today

There something in the world known as HGH Spray. For those of you who are out of the loop, HGH stands for Human Growth Hormones. If that doesn't already gross you out, just remember that it also comes in a spray form. But really look up products like this and see what they claim to do. it is basically a miracle drug that only requires you to spray it in your throat.

Most HGH spray products claim to have no side effects, other than making your life the pinnacle of humanity. Seriously, I read articles saying HGH Spray can not only increase muscle mass without exercising--this is just some gunk I spray in my throat right?--but that they can also make you better in bed, fix your skin, Keep you from getting sick, and even REGROW SHRUNKEN ORGANS. Guess what? No way.

Do you want to know how people know things like this are not always what they claim to be? There are two ways. The first is that if this were truly the most miraculous drug in the world, the world would know about it and go nuts for it. The second, and more likely, is that if this were really so amazing, some conglomerate would be making a billion dollars off of it, and not selling it to holistic doctors who know that their hippie clients will buy anything they have.

Anyway, you get the idea. Go buy some, is all I'm saying.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Gutter Blockage

When it comes to the rainy season, you need to make sure that your gutters are all cleaned and ready to point your runoff in the right direction. Without these cleaned gutters, water will flow off your roof in strange places and probably soak you. Nobody wants to get soaked as they are leaving the house, so get up there and clean that stuff out.

It's pretty much just leaves and gunk anyway. In movies and on TV they always portray cleaning the gutters and the worst possible job, but there is no way that's true. What you need a ladder to do it? Big deal. Climb the roof and do it from the topside--everyone loves climbing the roof. Plus while you are up there you can throw the crud from the gutters onto people from your household as they walk under you. When they get mad you can just say, "Aren't you glad that happened now instead of during a rainstorm!?" They will thank you for the object lesson, and start to help you.

Whether you live n New York or Minneapolis, your gutters are going to get dirty--maybe not in New York if you live in a complex. Either way, don't let any gutter junk fall on you.

If a company calls their self a glass company, what do they mean? Do they mean that they make anything that is glass related, that they only make cups and glasses, or that they are, indeed, a company made entirely out of glass? Perhaps the name means that they only hang with glass company--which could refer to some friends who, while decently solid, are not as trustworthy as concrete friends.

All I'm saying is that it's a pretty broad term. Does a glass company make things for cars? Homes? The possibilities are endless. However, maybe I am wrong in suggesting that they are not a company that can do all of those things. Perhaps this kind of place is a new all-encompassing glass business. This could be the way of the future with companies like this one leading the way.

I'm sure people from New York to Annapolis will be happy with this new business straight from the mind of Ayn Rand. Some tough people up in their ivory tower thinking, "Windows? Cups? Why can't we just make it ALL? We are the BEST." And they apparently are. So next time you are looking for a glass company, don't be surprised when you find one that does exactly what you need, plus a million other things.

Fix Your Potty

There are things that we can all avoid fixing in order to save money. Faulty windows? just tape them up. Leaky roof? When it rains put out a bucket. However, there are also things that need to be fixed as soon as they break. A perfect example of this is plumbing. If your plumbing breaks, guess what? Fix it right now or you will be really sad.

Every aspect of your house that uses plumbing is necessary. the sink? Where else do you plan on getting water from? This isn't the farming era where there is a communal pump outside--so get that thing fixed. You also need to shower regularly. And that toilet? Let's not even talk about that plumbing fixture--its importance is known to all, so there is no need for an explanation.

This advice is not for everyone, mostly because everyone from New York to Clinton, MD knows they should fix their plumbing when it breaks down. If this blog is really what opened your eyes to it, then maybe you should read some of the other common sense entries on here to make sure you are leading a normal life. Just fix your plumbing when it breaks and everything will be just fine.


Maybe it is strange and maybe it isn't, but I really love cleaning. The prospect of starting a cleaning service has often popped into my head. However, the next thought is: "If I start a cleaning business--making it my job--will all the joy be removed?" And this begs the question of whether or not it is possible to have a job that is also something you love?

Sure I would love being a part of a cleaning service for a while, but then once I have to do it--not at my leisure, for money--it will definitely stop being as fulfilling. Is this because I am now required to do it, or is it something deeper? Is the reasoning that getting paid to do something lessens its emotional value--do we think that if we are getting paid for something, then it must mean that is not fulfilling in any other way? Maybe this is too must thought and analysis for something like starting a cleaning service, but what else am I going to do with my time?

Maybe someday I will move to Hagerstown and start my new business, and then gradually start to hate it. And who knows, perhaps I will always love it, because I seriously love to clean.


Have you ever seen sales that are so awesome you think to yourself, "Whoa! What flooring sales!" Yes it is natural to be floored at low prices for amazing products. As consumers it is up to us to be excited about buying things, and maybe using them too.

Maybe it is buy one get one free on jeans; or maybe it's half off a car wash when you buy gas: flooring sales! In this world that is ripe with boredom and monotony, buying things is the last refuge for those of us with lots of money, and not a enough ways to spend it. Now we can spend money, and still get more bang for the buck. Be on the lookout for all kinds of sales that might interest you: Food, clothes, cars, blow dryers, cats, pianos, and whatever else you can think of!

Whether you live in Chinatown or Germantown MD, there are flooring sales out there for you. Don't be a stick in the mud who is not floored by an amazing sale. Don't just be like, "Yeah that's a pretty good sale." Lose your mind with excitement and feel the pressure that comes from the need to buy something RIGHT NOW.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Nobody Puts Baby in a Spa

Where I live (hint: not in Des Moines) it doesn't matter that my friends don't have real jobs and can't afford something like a fancy spa. It doesn't matter because we can sneak into a spa any time we want. Life is about doing things, not buying things.

Maybe they would never want to visit a traditional day spa, which is fine by me, but that doesn't mean we don't like to unwind every now and again. A hot tub is a great place to relax. And since every city in the country is filled with apartment complexes, featuring security loopholes, there is a spa within everyone's collective grasp. Maybe you should work hard and save up enough money to buy your own, but while you're busy doing that, me and mine will already have been lounging for three solid years.

Some people think it is dishonest to use something for free that someone else has to pay to use. I can't imagine caring about that. Jealousy over things like minor theft comes from the fear of doing it--basically it is the problem that Ferris Bueller's sister has with him the whole movie. Does anyone who watches that movie get mad that Ferris has the best day ever while ditching school? No way. But his sister hates it, and even admits that if she did the same thing, she'd get caught. Get out of that corner, Jennifer Grey, and start breaking rules that don't matter.

American Jobs

Auto repair is seen as not only an American job, but also as a job that requires great integrity and grit. This stereotype is in the heads of most Americans when they hear that someone's father was a mechanic--his honest labors helped raise the family that you know. However, do we really think that about people who work at auto repair shops? Most of us hate going to the mechanic's because we always think the mechanic is trying to swindle us.

So why do we have this image in our heads about the integrity of the old auto repair industry? For one, we remember that our parents come from a golden time when families were the perfect size and everyone drank Coke and didn't have any problems. Alongside that was the booming, and American, auto industry. Companies like Ford and Chevy became synonymous with national pride. So in a few short leaps we see that mechanics are some of the truest patriots who ever lived. Weird right?

Anyway, a lot of us get swindled when we go to the auto repair shop. Even in a quiet town like Boise, I'm sure that is happens fairly regularly. Just watch for yourself when you're at the mechanic's, and when you're trying to accurately remember history.

Inception Mechanics

A long time ago I went into an auto repair shop because my car had been leaking something. Since I prefer to play it safe, I took it in to have someone with the right brain look into the problem for me. This is probably what most people would do in this situation.

So I go into the auto repair shop and tell the person at the desk what's up. He tells me they are really busy and I can either make an appointment for tomorrow, or leave my car with them over night. This bums me out because A: I can't leave my car there, and B: I don't want to drive it back home and then back again. I decide to risk it and make an appointment for tomorrow.

I get there the next day right on time. This time the guy tells me that they still don't have time to look at my car. Hey guy, remember when I made an appointment yesterday? That means you wrote my name down during a time when you knew there would be no other work--what did you do to ruin that?

Needless to say those people people did not fix my car. I won't tell you what happened, because I prefer to leave this post open to interpretation. Was it all a dream or not? Do you live in France or Spokane? These questions can never be answered because my local auto repair shop doesn't know how to schedule things.

Stop Meeting People Online

Whatever happened to being confident and tough? Instead of heading out into the world to meet people, everyone is at home, terrified on their computers. Meeting people on a straight or gay chat website is not real. If you ever meet someone online, no matter how normal they seem, guess what? The red flag of weirdness is that they meet people online. Duh.

Anyone can act confident when they are talking to an inanimate LCD screen, and you should be able to tell that they aren't really as normal as they seem--if they were they wouldn't need to meet people on a computer. But at this point in history no one who is into web-relationships is ever going to come back to reality.

So go off and enjoy your muscle chat site. Make sure everyone you meet is based off their profile and how they look first. Getting to know someone is about learning all the things they want to you know right away--not mentioning if they are true or not, and leaving out all the bad qualities. Haven't you ever met someone who starts telling you want kind of person they are right away? Common sense tells us to never talk to that person again, yet that is exactly what every person on the internet does just by having a profile on any kind of website. Let alone a gay chat website (just needed one more).

The Truth about Sports Bars

So there is a really strange sports bar near where I live. I said "strange" as if only this one sports bar is strange--it is obvious that all of them are. Anyway, most people should know why a bar for sports is weird, so I am going to spend some time talking about why they are interesting.

For one it is like being at the people zoo. It is the only place in the state of Utah that I have even seen Jersey party boys, not to mention the strongest guys in my city, as well as the richest. All of them together cheering and jeering their favorite teams. It actually almost brings a tear to my eye seeing all of these awful groups of people coming together and not trying to get into bar fights--oh wait, that's exactly what happens.

"You Lookin' for trouble?"

Whether you live in a sports city like Boston, or any number of the boring, sport-less cities in Utah, the sports bar is a pretty exciting place to be. I haven't mentioned watching sports yet, because most of the time that isn't very exciting. The World Cup is over so what do I care? Oh, no one can stop Kobe? Big deal.

Andy Martin Day of The Dentist

My friend Andy is about to start dental school. I was surprised when he was getting into this because he seems like such a normal guy. He isn't rude or obsessed with hurting people, so I have no idea why he wants to be a dentist. In school he studied French and Logic, but clearly that logic didn't help him to decide to not cause pain in people's faces.

He is already married so at least he doesn't have to try impress girls anymore. You think any dentist gets dates after they attack someone's mouth? No way. This isn't That Thing You Do!--it just doesn't happen in reality. Andy will probably be okay as a dentist, he doesn't need to be the center of a huge group of friends. And maybe he will be satisfied with his new circle of dentist friends anyway.

If he starts his own practice and has to put funny animal posters on the walls, my only request is that he uses the picture in the post below--the one with the dentist cat. That will not only make the people in his dentist chair happy, but it will also teach them a valuable lesson about flossing. Good luck, Andy--wear your new scrubs with pride.

PS. He won't be practicing in San Jose, so if you live there you're safe.

A Trip to the Dentist

I was visiting the dentist once when I was about five. The incident is important to note because I bit the dentist's finger so hard that he got a blood blister. What happened was that he told me to bite down, but he still had his fingers in my mouth--I'm five, dude, and I only bite when I'm trying to eat candy, so you need to be more specific about timing and pressure.

The sad thing is that nobody likes the dentist, but at five I didn't care either way. Despite that fact that I tried to bite off my dentist's finger, I have an otherwise clean history for biting. So what does this mean? That people have inborn disdain for the dentist. From San Jose to New York, there is practically no one who enjoys the dentist.

I feel bad that I bit that guy when I was a kid, but not so bad that I'm going to worry about it or anything. I haven't bitten anyone since then, and I don't plan on biting anyone in the near or distant future. I haven't even bitten my dentist since that fateful day. But even though I'm not planning on delivering any bites, that doesn't mean the medical industry should rest easy.

Be Tough, No Lawyers

If you have ever hired a personal injury attorney, you need to toughen up. When I was a little kid someone hit my mom's car and spun us around--I think I hit my head. Either way, the point is that I didn't sue that guy. I was a tough baby, so why is it so hard for adults to be tough?

It seems like every time an adult spills coffee on their leg or has a rough napkin they cry to a lawyer and try to get some money. Hiring a personal injury attorney for something like that is frivolous and obnoxious. Hopefully the judge will throw all of you in jail for being so rude to society. Actually, it should be your attorney's job to say, "You are being a jerk; please leave my office before I sue you."

Whether you live in Dallas or any other random city in the country, watch out for people and their frivolous law suits. Don't hire a personal injury attorney just because you think you have a chance to get some money. The law is supposed to be for killers and the like--seriously who cares if someone dinged your Hummer? I never will. I promise.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Meta-Blog #2

Okay so the fourth wall is down again for a moment.

So this entry supposed to be about a law firm--pretty standard stuff to be honest. However, the words I am supposed to use are personal injury attorney--which again, are fine--but the name of the actual site is the RAD law firm. How is that not your promotion!? As someone who doesn't know anything about the law, like most other people, I would assume, what do lawyers think I am basing my representation on? Pretty much anything that holds my attention for more than two seconds.

You had me at rad. I'm sure you are a great personal injury attorney, and that will be good for me after I hire you, but knowing that you are "rad" right off the bat is all I really need. "A car hit me and my arm is broken? I am going to need a rad attorney for this one." I just wrote you a commercial.

There should be a lot more rad attorneys out there, but the only ones I know of are in Dallas right now. If anyone out there knows of any others please tell me about them.

PS. I promise that this is the only blog about this company that I will write this way, but I really couldn't pass up the opportunity.

Devil-Town Pioneer Prank

History is full of unsung funny people. For instance, the people who were settling new areas must have had great senses of humor when they named towns things like Kill Devil Hills. In fact that one is so funny because it doesn't sound like anyone would ever name their own town that, so it must have been some kind of prank.

Two towns over, there were probably some guys thinking, "That new city by the beach is getting way bigger than ours. Jones, You go over there and run for mayor, when you get elected name it something ridiculous. That will teach them." So Jones, probably, was the one who named the city Kill Devil Hills, making it impossible for anyone to ever have any kind of vacation rentals there. Who would rent them? The Devil?

Either way it was a good practical joke (if my guess at history is accurate, which I believe it is). The vacation rentals available in Kill Devil Hills are probably struggling all the time. Now the joke should be that we all go there all the time and start loving the name of that city. That will teach our forefathers a lessons about being funny guys.

My Video Game Idea

If I ever make my own video game it's going to be called Kill Devil Hills. That way it sounds like a million other games out there--all scary, terrifying, and violent games. However, my game will be based after the actual town of Kill Devil Hills, which is just a small beach community.

The game will mostly feature lounging and relaxing. Your character will just walk around on the beach and enjoy the sun. One of the challenges will be trying to book vacation rentals before you arrive--but it won't be too hard, I don't want to compromise the integrity of the game. Then, after days and days of gameplay your character will finally go swimming. And when you are in the water a shark will eat you--it's not going to be a challenge or a level, that is just how the game is going to end.

I hope all the gamers out there will learn a valuable lesson about wasting your time on pointless video games, as well as wasting time doing real life things like booking for vacations rentals, and walking around doing nothing. My games are going to change the world, and you'd all better be ready to deal with it.

Kill Devil Hills. Brutal.

Have you ever been to or seen pictures of Kill Devil Hills? No it isn't an awesome band, it is a beach community that looks like the film Jaws is going to happen there every morning. I know it was just a movie, but I'm still not about to go looking for vacation rentals in the area.

With Shark Week having just ended, the relevance for shark attacks and people snacks feels appropriate. Kill Devil Hills not only looks like a scary town, but they weren't exactly trying to make the town sound pleasant when they named it. Are you serious, forefathers? Even if the name means you want to kill the devil, that still makes it sound like he lives in your town--and has a pet shark. But really, putting the words "kill" and "devil" into any kind of title is going to be unsettling.

There are plenty of vacation rentals ready in this town, so don't be afraid to check it out for yourself. However, if you are too afraid to visit, don't even worry about it. Just stay home and watch five horror movies at once--it will probably be pretty similar to the trip you would have taken to Kill Devil Hills.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Old and Tough

I know that the world is full of elderly people who need medical alarms or some other form of emergency savior. However, I do not see it in my life, because my grandpa is like 85 years old and still works a full day. Most old people need some kind of medical alert dialer; they are so fragile that a fall might cause a serious injury. If my grandfather fell he would curse at the Earth and scare it to the point of correcting its crooked axis.

I don't know how he got to be so tough and strong--he smoked for like 60 sixty years and eats a steak once a day. By today's standards that means he should have died when he was sixteen, but here we are. Maybe we will never know what makes some old people tougher than others. All I know is that if I ever gave my Grandpa a medical alarm, he would be so mad that he would press it just so he could fight the response that showed up to help him.

Some old people need a medical alert response system, others just need steaks. Play it by ear to see which one your family's patriarchs and matriarchs need.

Hippie Cat

One of the biggest problems that a progressive hippie-ish person faces is the life of their pet. Seriously, how hard is it to find some natural cat food? Actually not that hard. Natural cat food is not only out there, but it is the first step in many for your cat to becoming as awesome as you are.

Soon after the natural cat food has become a regular thing, give your cat a bath using some oat soap--cats supposedly hate water, but they actually just hate using soap with artificial ingredients. After the bath, slap some patchouli on that beast and head to Good Earth. Grab some Shiitake Mushrooms and listen to NPR on the way home. Your cat will finally feel at home in its new, more rewarding life.

Before you know your cat will be using your compost pile as its litter box--just doing their part. And this will all be because you started your cat on an all-natural diet. basically you helping your cat will just be another thing that can make you feel good about yourself, which is really what's important. You and your cat will be the talk of the Farmer's Market for the rest of the summer.

Modest Might Be Hottest

It makes sense, no matter the cultural background you come from, to wear a modest wedding dress. If you are thinking, "Dude, I'm liberated. I don't need to conform to any standards that a male dominated society sees fit." Really cool, but just by being a bride in a wedding you are conforming to a weird traditions so get over yourself.

This is the one day when you will see all of your family and your husband's family--never again will you all be like this. So for many for many of them this will be the only impression they get of you. If you're wedding gown is a little trashy then all they will ever think is, "Oh, good for Dan--at least his wife is going to put out." NO WAY. Dress smart. Be who you are, and don't be represented by what you wear. This doesn't mean wear something that doesn't represent you at all--which is how most people foolishly try to prove this point. They think, "No one is going to judge ME by what I wear, so I'm going to wear jean shorts to my wedding." Well when you dress like that, it is just saying, "I am not defined by my clothes--you can tell I'm based on what I'm wearing." Get real.

In places like Utah, Modest wedding dresses are common, and that is fine--it is a generally modest place. But elsewhere modesty is still a good idea--if there is nothing to look at perverts will leave you alone, and people who are interested will be so because of what you have to say. Of course if you all you have to offer is how you look then disregard this post.

Biker Babies

I live near Salt Lake City, and the people where I live are really loving their Harley Motorcycles. I know that they love them because I can hear them roaring around the streets all the time. It's obvious that bikers think they are pretty cool, but sometimes you just have to wonder: Did they ever grow out of that phase where they screamed when no one was paying attention to them?

A loud Harley Davidson is the adult equivalent of a child standing on a diving board and yelling, "MOM! MOOOM!! WATCH ME! MOM! YOU AREN'T WATCHING!" Needless to say, it can get pretty annoying. While a mother has the ability to quiet her child or fulfill their need for attention, the biker's need can never be filled. Perhaps this was caused by a mother who never looked and saw the biker-child perform a swan dive; they are all destined to screech down the streets, attempting to fill that void by making the rest of us stare at them whenever they drive by.

Salt Lake is just one place in the country where this is happening. It would be hard to find a city that didn't have this problem in some way. All we can do is try to look at the bikers and smile, maybe give them a pat on the head and say, "Oh, look you at you. That is such a nice Harley. You are driving a motorcycle, aren't you? Here's a juice." We must all do our part in bettering society.

Little Kids as Rich Adults

Most of the cars I buy are worth about fifty dollars. One of the benefits of this not worrying about fixing the car, or keeping it in good shape. If the car starts making a weird noise, I'll just keep driving it until it will never work again, and then buy another one. However, if I were a rich guy then I would have to worry about BMW repair work and the like.

If my super fancy car started making a bad noise, I would have to check it out right away or risk the consequence of devaluing my car like fifty thousand dollars. This is bumming me out just thinking about it. BMW service for a car probably wouldn't be cheap either. They know you spent a ton on your car, so why wouldn't you spend a ton on making sure it stays in great shape? What a scary cycle to be a part of.

Even in you live in a place like Greesboro, the BMW repair shops and dealers would not let you escape with cheap services. They know you need your car to stay in great shape, otherwise all your business contacts will think you are dumb--like the kid on the playground with hand-me-down jeans, and they won't play with you ever again.

This is a Good One

When I was in school there was this really obnoxious guy who dressed like a goon and loved talking about BMW repair. I'm, not making fun of him because he was a nerd or something--I'm making fun of him because he thought he was better than everybody else and deserved attention because of it. The rest of the school was aware of this as well, so one day, during one of his genius rants, this happened:

Our professor was talking about how to behave when trying to get a job. He mentioned something about dressing professionally and the awesome kid's voice broke out. "Well I got a job selling BMW's dressed just like this." Stop--you need to know how this kid dressed: Gigantic button-up shirt that hung almost to his knees, a tiny sweater vest over that, jeans with at least 300 holes in them--even in the giant flares at the bottom--wore at least three cameras around his neck at all times, had his Kindle under his arm, and a giant, poofy, swoop haircut. He looked like the embarrassing son of Robert Smith's hipster brother.

So anyway, the class says that just because this kid must have some kind of prior BMW repair or BMW service knowledge, it doesn't mean he shouldn't dress professionally for an interview just in case. So he starts to say, "I'm just saying that I got the job even though I'm dressed like--" "--You like art?" Big laugh. "No, I mean since I dress like--" "--You think you're English?" Huge laugh. "No! Just because I wear--" "Your personality?" That was the end of that kid's attempt to talk... for that day.

The point of this story is to tell you to look out for this kid whenever you are outside. Sure he had plenty of BMW service knowledge, but that doesn't mean I have to love him. Whether you live in Greensboro or Burlington, NC, this kid and his counterparts are out there. Be on the Lookout.

PS. This story is completely true and accurate. I know because I was writing down what everyone was saying as it happened; it was just too good not to.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Nothing's Free in Waterwold, or on The Internet

If you see the phrase "free website analysis," what would you do if you needed that service? Sure it says that it's free, but we are all smart enough to know that nothing on the internet is really free. It's just a brand of local internet marketing that is designed to get you to a website and not a free service.

So how does this effect companies who really do want to give something away for free? To be sure, even when a company does give something away for free it is still a form of advertising, but when there are no strings attached other than service it is a much better process. Now it is clear that the companies only feigning free offers and causing hesitation and reluctance in customers are hurting the companies who are genuinely trying to give things away. They are hoping that your need for the service will outweigh your reluctance to click the add.

So if you see an ad for free website analysis, think about it: Does it look like no strings will be attached (based on surrounding spam, or the type of site you found it on)? or does it look like spam, but the service is something you need badly enough to check it out and see? Either way it's easy to avoid being scammed on the internet, so I say just click everything you see.

Blog 150: Daiye Spa

I have never ever been to a day spa. In fact I know so little about them, that in the movie Zoolander, when the main character spells day spa wrong, I barely even got the joke. However, I have three sisters who are all regulars at places like that. What is it about spas that attracts some people, while the rest of us don't know anything about them?

I wonder what goes on inside a day spa. I know that it has to do with wellness, beauty, relaxation, but those are pretty broad terms. I remember hearing something about a mud bath one time--do they do that at all spas or just the places that have excess dirt like in Knoxville? Also, What is mud for?

Whatever goes inside a spa makes the people coming out look happy and refreshed, so it must be good stuff. If that is the case then who am I to question what makes a spa great? Sure I may never enter one, but that doesn't mean the rest of the world shouldn't enjoy its collective day spa experience. Go forth, and give your skin the attention that it deserves. Really, go do it.

Waterproof Beds

I just read the phrase "waterproof dog bed," and it really got me wondering: is that a good thing or a bad thing? The answer to that question really depends on how waterproof the dog bed is. If it is safe to assume that it is as resistant to water as plastic than the question remains--is a waterproof dog bed a good idea?

First off, there is the problem of where all the liquids that come out of a dog will go if they are not absorbed by the bed. sure the bed will stay relatively clean, but now the floor is a mess, and so is the dog for that matter. But wait, if the dog is forced to reside in its own filth since the bed does not allow for absorption, then maybe it will learn to never potty on its bed again. That would be worth a few weeks of cleaning the floor.

So go get your pooch a personalized dog bed that will make them fall in love. Also, make sure that it is waterproof so you can both avoided messes. Your dog will thank you when it gains better control of its bladder, and thus finally feels like a truly adult animal.

Happy Gilmore and Plot Devices

In the 1996 film Happy Gilmore, there is a scene where a moving company comes to take all the furniture out of a house that is being repossessed by the bank. In order to stop this, Happy jumps on a couch that is being carried by two men from the moving company.

I always think that those men should be very angry. After all, Happy does disrupt their job and nearly caused a great amount of physical harm to them (their backs and possibly smashed feet). However in the next few minutes of the film the two men from the moving company are out on the lawn trying to shag golf balls using Happy's grandfather's clubs. Now it makes sense--they don't care.

The movie jumps forward from that scene with Happy realizing that he has a knack for golf, and he heads out for tournaments ranging from Florida to Denver. If you are watching this movie in the near future, don't forget about the movers. It is their carefree attitude toward their job that allows Happy to discover his gift and reach the plot. If they had gotten mad at him and left, then none of the hilarious events after the fact would have happened. They are the unsung heroes of that movie.

The Internet is not a Community

When social networking sites first appeared on the internet, it was the beginning of the end. Before those days the people who wasted their lives online were restricted to intense nerds and invalids. With the dawning of sites that offered pseudo-communities for the more average, less tech-savvy, individual, more people were sucked into the internet than ever before.

The purpose of these sites is to bring people's profiles together and make money; the problem with these sites is that many people start to live on the internet as if that is somehow their real life. The escalation in these sites led to new sites that offer the same fake communities, only now with webcams. Whether it is gay chat, or muscle chat websites, or places like stickam--who offers strange video chat connections to teenagers--these sites become a fake reality and a fake community for those who use them.

These sites do not bring people together. They give off the appearance of community, and that is what is so dangerous. For example, those using a gay chat site might think that they are helping to build a larger gay community, but they aren't because the online experience is not real--it is talking to a television. Yet, those on these muscle chat sites are actually kept from going out and forming real communities because they think that they are already in one. Social networking sites actually separate people even more than they ever were without them--before they had 1000 friends online.

Friday, August 6, 2010


I was just wondering: When I see a beautiful movie star I think, "Wow I am so in live with her, but I know we will never meet." So what does a gay person think in that same situation? "I am so in love with Edward Norton, but I know we'll never meet... and even if we did he isn't gay." That can be pretty heartbreaking, but good news is just around the corner. You should know that all actors are gay!

Just log into any random gay chat, or muscle chat website to see if they pop up on there. I bet it happens all the time. If you don't believe that most movie stars are gay, just look closer. Not only do they exhibit all the homosexual stereotypes that exist, but then respected actors like Tom Hardy from Inception, say things like, "... of course I've had sex with men, I'm a [bleeping] actor!" in interviews.

Leave it to an actor to out the whole community at once. But seriously Tom hardy is cool. Did you see Bronson? He'll blow your mind. I bet he loves hitting different gay chat websites and saying lines from his movies. Actually he wouldn't--he went on to say in the interview that it was an experimental stage and he has calmed down a lot in his older age. Whatever.