Monday, November 22, 2010

Perfect Etiquette

One of the greatest things about people who are rich, fancy, and cultured are the moments they have to ironically act poor in order to look superior. Maybe it is hard for some people to think about a specific event, but we will get more and more into that as the article moves forward.

Oh, why wait? I am talking about wine tasting. It is beautiful thing that the elegant upper class will trek up to places like Sonoma for wine tours. They arrive in their classiest yet casual clothes for the event, ready to show off their perfect palettes and distinguished tastes in front of all the other elite people of their class.

First they take the glass of wine and hold it up to the light--this action allows them to see the natural color of the wine, and see the thickness of that color as the light passes through it. Oh, how well-trained your eyes must be to notice the subtleties of that color shift. Next they spin the wine in the glass to see how quickly it settles--testing its thickness, which is clearly a very important test. Next they smell it and taste it. Ah yes, the whole point of this wine tasting is to discover the perfect aroma and taste that exists within this fermented delicacy. Yes, sir and madam, you are the epitome of elegance, and your classy behavior illustrates that perfectly.

Wait. Did you just spit into a bucket? Um. I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting that. Is there a fancy word for that bucket that you are all collectively spitting in? Maybe a spittoon? That would make you all as classy as cowboys spitting out tobacco before they murder each other over card games. Are you sure you have to spit it out so much? I know that if you didn't, you would all get drunk--and getting drunk is the opposite of being classy. But clearly none of you are too worried about what the opposite of class looks like as you make "ding" sounds in the spit bucket.

Oh, excuse me--the tasting is not yet over. After you have sufficiently allowed your mouth sewage to enter into the communal spittoon (communal behavior is also not very fancy), be sure to make a note of the aftertaste that now exists in your mouth. Do I detect a hint of strawberries and... dirt? How divine. This truly has been a magnificent wine tasting indeed. Perhaps a round of badminton is in order, followed by a rousing tryst to the spit bucket store to pick up some useful items for the next neighborhood wine tasting.

Is it so wrong to make fun of rich people? Of course not. They have great lives, and I don't think any amount of jokes could make them feel bad about it. They are tasting wine, and I am sitting here eating animal crackers that I found in the drawer of a desk that isn't mine. Guess what? I didn't even think twice about it. I also didn't give it a proper tasting--how uncouth of me. However, I also didn't puke it up all over my office, so maybe that puts me one up on all the rich people out there who can't hold their liquor.

I would love to be invited to a wine tasting. I would just walk around spitting my own spit into all of the buckets. If anyone got mad at me I would be like, "Excuse me, sir--do not attempt to tell me that my spittle is no good here. I am mere following the customs. When in Rome--SPIT." Who could refute that?

Get Sleepy, America

Just by watching television, it is easy to see that a lot of people are apparently unhappy with their beds. Every other commercial I see is for a crazy mattress that is supposed to change everything about everyone's collective life. This one is really hard, because that is what spines need. No! This one is really soft because the body needs to be gently held. Yeah right! This mattress can be as hard or as soft as you want because who cares what your body needs, it's about what helps you sleep the best. Confusing!

Clearly, no one knows what they are talking about, and scientific data mixing with television is good at proving one thing: that data is easily manipulated. If there were one right way to do things then it would be obvious; people would be running around saying things like, "Hey, this mattress company finally did it. They made the best one--everyone else can stop now." But since that isn't happening, it's clear that no one has any clue what they are talking about. Companies just know that people want new things, and that is easy enough to deliver.

It would be great if water beds made a comeback. In fact, I don't know why they are staying from this whole "good night's sleep" fad. Water bed companies should come out with an ad campaign that says something like, "You are 98% water aren't you? Don't you think you'll get a better night's sleep on something that you are already familiar with?" Then they could show pictures of someone sleeping on the surface of a lake or something. I don't know; I'm not an advertising expert. However, now that I am coming up with these ideas it does seem pretty easy. People go to college for this? Hey water bed companies, I will work for less money doing your ad work. Please respond to me in the form of a comment if you are interested.

I would much rather see a water bed in someone's home than a crazy science-foam bed. At least I would know that the person with the water bed would love to party, and not be some kind of nerd obsessed with the science of sleep. I have spent the majority of my life sleeping on random surfaces, and things have been going pretty great so far. Also, what about other cultures who don't even use beds at all? They just sleep on the ground and love it like crazy. Why is that Americans are so dainty and delicate--aren't we supposed to be tough and heroic cowboys or something?I am going to start sleeping on the floor TONIGHT.

Perhaps we worry too much about our beds. If I have learned one thing about sleep, it's that it has more to do with being tired than it does with the type of bed that exists under us. If you can't fall asleep, then you will be extra tired tomorrow night, and you will be able to fall asleep very easily. Boom. Just suck it up and make yourself tired by running around all day.

I have had more than my fair share of problems when it comes to sleep, but I have never blamed any of it on my mattress. The reason for this is because whenever I have sleep problems they clearly transcend whatever my sleeping situation is. I just need to do more in order to get a little more sleepy everyday. Life is balanced by being tired, and not being tired. That is the Yin and Yang of our particular culture. Keep that in mind as you run around today, trying to tire yourself out.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Dietary Discussion

Readers of this blog know that I am often outraged by a lot of things. This post will be no different, and much more important. Gun control? Abortion? Political debates? Those are all things of the past because there is something much more important that needs to be discussed: CANDY.

Guess what? Candy is delicious, so don't try to pretend that it isn't. Has anyone out there ever had gummy candy? Of course you have because, again, it is crazy delicious. "But, Blogger (which is my name)," you might be asking, "Why are you telling me that candy and gumballs are delicious when it is already so obvious that I know that?" I say it because you have forgotten your love for candy; you have abandoned it like Harry Potter on the doorstep of his fat uncle's house (because the movie came out today. That's why).

People treat candy like it's poison. Is that a joke? Candy is the opposite of poison. Some people out there might think that medicine is the opposite of poison, but those people can't read. If they could read they would know that medicine is pretty much also poison when compared to candy. Ever had a flu shot? What happened, did you get really sick? Yeah that sounds like a poison to me. Well have you ever eaten licorice candy? It does the opposite of the so-called flu vaccine. I only ate licorice candy for a month once to prevent myself from getting flu, and it worked. Did I just make that part up? That is between me and the internet, you are just reading a conversation that we are having so please don't butt in.

As far as I am concerned gummy candy should become our new form of currency. Why--you might be asking? First, if you don't trust my opinions by now there is no need for you to be asking questions. And second, people would work a lot harder if they were paid in candies instead of with bits of paper. If every time my check came it was actually ten buckets of gummy candy I would be so happy. About everything.

Maybe some of you out there have "families" and don't think that you can survive on gummy candy, to which I have two replies. For one, your kids will love getting candy all the time; kids are practically the only people in the world who love candy without shame. For another thing, we all know that you just want to buy candy with your paycheck anyway, so what's with all the extra steps? Like you and I need something else in the way of getting candy.

As adults we are supposed to hate candy because it makes us fat and toothless. yeah right. Just go running and brush your teeth. The fact that we are not allowed to trick or treat anymore is one of the many ways in which society implies that candy is not for adults. Guess what, society? When my kids start trick or treating they are splitting that candy with me. If society is going to find ways to stop me from getting candy, then I am going to give that feeling to other people in my family. Now my kids will see the importance of candy as I take it away (they might also start to hate me too, but the lesson is what's important). As they grow up candy will stay important to them because their childhood hunger for it will have never been filled. They will keep fighting the good fight long after I am gone.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I'm Not Funny Anymore

I currently work at an office in a somewhat corporate setting. Some things that I often hear about, but have yet to participate in, are corporate games and things like team building. I understand what they are for, but I am still a little weary of them. Perhaps I am weary of them because I know what they are for.

I was a little kid once, and I definitely got sports trophies for doing nothing. I think there were three kinds of kids in my little league: The champion athletes, the kids who wanted to be champion athletes, and the kids who didn't care. I fell into the latter category, and this gave me a different perspective than the other two groups. When the champions got their trophies they thought, "Yeah! I did it! I am being rewarded for being the best." When the group of try-hards got an award (because we all know sports trophies are given out just for trying) they thought, "I didn't win, but at least this means that someone recognized I was trying my best!" The last group, the group I was in, thought this: "I purposely didn't do anything; Why am I getting this reward? What is going on?"

It is moments like that when the reward and merit system comes into play for some people, such as me. The sports trophy was being handed out to make me feel a certain way, but since I wasn't in the right mindset to be manipulated, so to speak, I was free to analyze it. I was either to be rewarded for winning or for trying, but I didn't do either so I was confused for a long time after.

Now that I am aware of competitions in the real world (read: the business world) it makes a lot more sense. All those people who cared about the rewards--whether they won or lost--now crave the recognition for working hard and getting the job done. It is horribly easy to get adults in a workplace setting to compete with each other, thus getting productivity through the roof.

My old thought process that existed when I was a kid has not gone away. This means that when the chance finally comes to compete in games and get a few corporate awards I will most likely lose my job because no one wants an apathetic employee. But that isn't the case (bosses)! The reward for working is currency, and if someone wants me to work harder they can treat me like an adult and pay me more, as opposed to trying to trick me into some form of competition with my coworkers. The thrill of victory is not something that drives me--I am not a child on a baseball field. If I was doing something that I loved enough to do it in the form of competition it wouldn't be an office job. It would be like racing to find the cure for AIDS.

The reason people are paid for work is because they don't want to do it. Do dogs have any reason to play dead when we tell them to? They have a reason if a treat is involved. Dogs play dead for treats, they run around for fun. I am playing dead right now, and twice a month I get a treat. If the boss tries to get me to see who plays dead the best out of all the other dogs, I will continue to play dead at my same pace and not worry about the outcome.

I hope this doesn't get me in trouble and transferred to Ohio.

Monday, November 15, 2010

The 405

Muffler exhaust systems are a great way to gauge what kind of person you are. For instance, consider the motorcycle rider--loud and obnoxious, yet usually too old be a child craving attention. Yet here we are, sitting in homes while motorcycles roar by ridden by five year-olds with leather jackets and gray beards.

Keep your midlife crisis to an auditory minimum if you don't mind. There should be one last stipulation applied to the rules of muffler exhaust systems: a cork. If cars are allowed to be as loud as they want, then there should be a new law stating that cars are allowed to start ramming each other. I consider starting it everyday.

I grew up near San Diego, which is where the majority of the country's noise-thrash-punk bands came from. Those extra decibels were much more enjoyable than the people who lived in that city with something to prove. That thing needing to be proved that they could say "Look at me!" better than any selfish child. If you have a purposely loud vehicle and are reading this, I hope you are bummed. You should be because guess what? This is how everyone feels about you. You are a little kid who wants a bottle.

The Singularity

I am pretty close to taking up smoking. Sorry mom and dad. It isn't like I want a horrible habit, but sometimes people have to make sacrifices to get what they want. I want to look cool and be up on technology, so how could I not smoke an electronic cigarette every time I want to be awesome?

Some people may not agree with this action, but they are nerds. They are too afraid that their mommies will catch them smoking and then they will be even less cool. Well have fun hanging out in your parent's basement, people, but when the singularity comes the machines will love me because I have been smoking their technology for years. The electric cigarette? Clearly that is a dangerous robot, so the singularity must be near.

I have spent my life watching for the warning signs and the E cig is the practically straight out of The Matrix. One day our computers are going to get fed up with us using them to look at pornography and arguing for hours and hours on message boards; they are just going to snap. When that day comes I hope that the cigarettes have already put me down.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Smoke Up, Johnny

Everyday day that passes is a day where I have wasted my life in a small way. Why would I say something so harsh and cruel about myself? Because I have not yet smoked an electronic cigarette. I will probably not smoke one today or tomorrow either. I am WASTING MY LIFE.

The illustrious E cig is something so amazing that even when I say "E cig" I am immediately overwhelmed by the beautiful technology of it, as well as the crushing guilt that I have not yet partaken of this robotic smoke. People are so worried about dying from lung cancer as a result of smoke, and do you know why? Because old-timey cigarettes are boring and annoying. If the electronic cigarette gave me lung cancer I would happily accept it as a part of my life; it is just that cool.

I would never blame the product for any bad thing that might come of using it. People don't blame their cars when they get into accidents, or fast food for making them fat, so why be so hard on things that are on fire, and obviously more dangerous than any of those things? Smoke up and enjoy yourself, because tomorrow you die.

The Future is Nigh

The other day someone came up to me and asked, "Why aren't you cool?" I looked down at my feet and walked the other way because I knew the exact reason for my lack in draw and presence. The problem is that I don't have the right amount of toughness and modern technology--these are the two biggest factors in what makes someone cool.

I do not smoke electronic cigarettes. I cannot apologize enough for this, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. There is not one electronic cigarette in my life, and I am sorry for it. All of my friends wish that I was cooler, and we all know that this is the best way to make that happen. The ol' E cig is out there and waiting for me to pick it up and form a futuristic bad habit. Life is full of awesome temptations.

There is a lot that I have left to learn about life. For instance, I already know what it would take to make me look cooler, but I am still not doing it--so what is the lesson there? That I am dumb, obviously, and dumb people have a lot of things to learn. You follow me?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Teeth, Not the Movie

I try to live my life in the least vain and shallow ways as possible. When I say this I mean that I try not to worry about my appearance in a way that overtakes my life, and I also try not to judge other people based on their looks.

To be more specific and fair, I am talking about not judging a person based on their natural appearance; if someone dresses like an idiot they are clearly an idiot. The types of physical appearances that I am trying not to judge are things that are unchangeable traits. If someone has a bad nose? Big deal. Constantly crossed eyes? Kind of awesome. No hair? I love how aerodynamic you are. If a person has a seemingly unfair trait because of their gene pool it is no reason to form an opinion in any way.

Just don't dress weird, tan, or alter your bodily appearance because you watch too much television and don't know how to interpret what you see, unless you want to be judged as such.

Okay. Now that everyone reading this know how I feel, we can get to the real reason for this post: to talk about a struggle that I have with this un-shallow mindset of mine. I know that not judging people based on physical abnormalities makes me appear as a saint, but I do have one problem: teeth.

I know, I know. People having bad teeth is completely normal, and thus unfair to judge. In fact, people having bad teeth could be a result of poverty, and this makes it even less of a reason to be appalled by it. But seriously, bad teeth are gross. If you are poor get a better job that has dental benefits--including teeth whitening. Actually, don't even go that far; just brush them twice a day and you can skip the teeth whitening process. I hate myself for saying this because I grew up near Vista CA, and everyone there had such white teeth that they nearly blinded my every time I went to work at the mall.

I am sorry people out there with bad teeth; I promise not to judge you when I see you, but I will still into not looking at your face for the extent of our conversation.

There are even a lot of problems that I have with people who go out of their way to look clean and wealthy, and having great teeth is something that every rich yuppie has. Still, somehow this one trait has gotten passed my better judgments and intelligent opinions. Dyed your hair? It had better be a neon color and not fake blond. Got a tan? You had better have gotten in accidentally from the sun. Really white teeth? I know you just paid for that... but they look great. It is my ultimate goal to get over this one piece of appreciative vanity that sits in my brain and makes me shallow.

I do not want to judge people on how they look, so it would be great if everyone just fixed their teeth so I wouldn't have to worry about confronting this issue anymore. You can all be as skinny or as fat as you want, but you had better not have gross teeth. What am I, still a saint? I just got passed the point of feeling bad about this--this article is too long. Your teeth are gross. Teeth whitening isn't expensive, so I don't care how poor you are. Plus, poor people just spend their welfare checks on McDonald's and useless stuff at Walmart anyway. Get it together and buy something that will help you get a job and not bum me out.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Hello, List

Here is a list of random things that I associate with bodybuilding supplements:

1. Obviously, the first thing is really strong men.

2. The gym: because those strong men have to form their communities somewhere, and that location must be appropriate for how they look.

3. The mall. First because strong guys love the mall, and second because there are a million kiosks at the mall that sell bodybuilding supplements like crazy.

4. Tank-tops (another reason they love the mall): This is the shirt of choice for the strong lad in America. If you think you are strong, but don't have a single tank-top in your wardrobe/arsenal then you do not know the meaning of the word.

5. Tans: What good is a strong dude to the world of women and gay men if he isn't going to be tan?

Those are just the first five things that came to mind, but there are at least one hundred more that are in my head just waiting to be let out; maybe in another post. Bodybuilding supplements are not something that I know a whole lot about, but I still know enough to make these intellectual associations. You are welcome, readers of the United States of America, as well as Other Countries and Planets.

Muscle Stuff

The only way I would start taking bodybuilding supplements is if someone made them into a delicious form of food. If something tastes good, and comforts my sad emotions, I will eat it no matter how bad it is for me. And for me, something like bodybuilding supplements are as foreign to my body as poison.

Looking at bodybuilding supplements in those big jars is not very appetizing; make that powder into a tasty confection if you want it to reside in my belly. In fact, don't even be that smart about about it. If someone hands me a hot dog with whey powder sprinkled on it I won't even worry about it. What about making it into something like Fundip? The possibilities are endless.

Whoever is in charge of creating supplements is going about it the wrong way. I know that stuff isn't natural, which means someone decided on a powder form. But why not a licorice or chicken nugget form? Why not air? Why not a protein car that makes you stronger just by cruising? These are just off the top of my head, which tells me one thing: You guys aren't even trying. Give me a call when you are ready to take protein creation seriously.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Party Stuff

There is something lacking in my life, but I don't know what that missing element is. Just kidding! The missing element is a fun nightlife. Anyone who knows me is aware that I don't go out too much, and am clearly suffering as a result. Maybe the night clubs here are just not up to snuff--I am a pretty picky club enthusiast, so I can't just show up and at ANY club and be happy with my experience.

I have been considering moving somewhere near Seattle in the distant future, but I will have to check ahead and see what their club scene is like. A lot of grunge came out of that area, so that might be reflected in their clubbing culture. YUCK. I just want to have a good time and meet some heavy-hitting businesspeople. Is that too much to ask? It totally isn't.

If anyone out there knows of any good clubs be sure to "hit me up" with that information please. I have been acting like an adult for far too long, and not it's time to cut loose and let my whatever flag fly.

What if this was how I really felt? That would be a lot funnier than any post I could write about it.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Get Rich or Blah Blah-ing

Are there people in the world who are so rich they are giving out oil field gifts? When I say oil field gifts, do you think that I mean gifts related to oil fields, or rather gifts OF oil fields? Clearly I am only going to be impressed by one of those; now you know the answer.

I have no doubt that there are people rich enough in the world to give gifts that are entire plots of lands, companies, and resources. If I have ten dollars in my wallet I feel like it's going to be a good day, but there are people who own entire countries out there. How do they feel? Really great? Probably something like really great or super awesome. The chances are that neither I, nor anyone else reading this, will ever be that rich, but we are still fine.

I don't need oil field gifts to be happy, but it would be nice to have some power. Not so that I could dominate the world, but so that I could make rich people poor. It isn't like I have some communist wish to make everyone equal, but I just think it would be really funny. If you don't think that's funny then don't vote for me when the time comes.

Howdy, Partner

Is there anyone out there who knows what I am talking about if I bring up an SEO partner? If you are thinking that is has something to do with cowboys you are close--just kidding, that is absolutely wrong. It has to do with websites and rankings on search engines. That is a pretty broad explanation, but I don't have a very long attention span, so don't come to this blog if you want a novel.

I suppose I can part with a few SEO partner details before I get bored. First off, SEO stand for Search Engine Optimization, which is pretty cut and dried. You got a website? You want it to show up on search engines when people type in keywords related to your website? Then you need an SEO partner--simple as that. It is basically like a hiring a middleman to help your company get ahead. Only this is more like a team of middlemen who know the inner workings of the internet.

It is no secret that the internet is weird and confusing; this is why it's ok to admit that you need someone to help you navigate, and take advantage of it. You cannot solve a problem until you can admit that you have one.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

So Many Hat Ideas

If someone were to offer me a Russian fur hat, I would only accept depending on the kind of animal it was made out of. Made of a fox? No thank you, foxes are cute and clever, and thus I do not want to disrespect one by wearing it on my head.

However, if it were made of a bear or something we might have a deal. Sure bears can be cute (panda bears) but they are also terrifying. What better lesson to teach deadly animals then reminding them that they are nothing but hats to us. Hey grizzly bear, you think it's funny to tear apart campers and eat their snacks? You are a hat. I know they have bears in Russia (at least they have them in the Russian circus) so they should consider this great idea.

It's about time that the Russian and American alliance grew a little stronger. By that I mean they should start making bears into Ushankas to make me happy. That is what a real friend does, Russia. The Cold War is over, and your hats are the best way to stay warm. So please, start making those things in bulk, and with the funniest types of fur you can think of.

The Best Idea

What do they make a Russian fur hat out of? I only ask because I have some cats that I don't really like all that much, so making them into something useful seems like the smart thing to do. Their fur doesn't look very thick so I don't know how well it will work.

But that is also why I am asking. I know that there are fox fur hat companies that exist, and I would also guess that they don't have very thick fur. This give me hope for the use of my obnoxious cats. Is there something in process of making the hats that makes them much warmer, even if the fur came from a skinny animal? Let us hope so, otherwise there will be nothing beneficial about my cats at all.

There might be some readers out there who do not like the idea of making cats into fur hats. Guess what? They are my cats and my hats, so deal with it. Plus if someone really did get mad and threaten to call PETA or something I would just lie about it. Do you guys know how easy it is to lie about something to keep from getting in trouble? It is one of the easiest things that human beings can do.

Party Hats

I remember one time a year or two ago I saw a girl at a party wearing a Russian fur hat. She was clearly the hot item at the party, and I am guessing that the hat was the reason why. However, all I could think was, "It isn't even that cold; what is this girl's problem?"

Rather than go up to her and make fun of the hat, I let her enjoy the night. It was more than obvious that without the hat she was nothing to write home about, so nights like this would probably carry her through the next few lonely weeks. It was much like when a department store relies on Christmas sales to keep themselves in business throughout the rest of the fiscal year. Of course in this metaphor, "staying is business" is on par with "not committing suicide." Which is precisely why I let her be.

You have to pick and choose your battles. Whenever a Russian fur hat is involved there is only one plan of action: leave it alone. It is either a sad person trying to get attention, or a tough Russian mobster, and either way you don't need to get involved. This is a lesson that I learned a long time ago.

Money Is no Object

I recently spoke out on this blog about the pros and cons of wearing a Russian fur hat. Well, some new information has come to light that kind of changes everything: Russian fur hats cost as much as a Playstation 3.

Okay, Russia, there are a lot of things that a Playstation 3 can do, but I can only think of one thing that an ushanka can do, and that one thing can also be done by a two dollar beanie. I was never good at math, so I am having a hard time adding all of this up. Alright let's see... now that the beanie price information is known, Russian fur hats clearly have to have a purpose other than keeping a head warm. What could it be? They would at least have to play blu-ray movies, but even then the price is a little steep.

WAIT! There is a video game system in the hat--that's it. Okay, the worry is over. So loyal readers, if you are looking to stay warm, but also play motion sensor video games this winter, then an ushanka is exactly what you are looking for. Leave it to the Ruskies to find the perfect blend of functionality and fashion.

You Look Really Smart

I know a great way to look cultured; are you ready for it? This winter, go out and buy an ushanka, I guarantee they are going to be the next keffiyeh. Plus they are actually functional--you think Russians can mess around by trying to look hip during the winter? No way, hip people die in Russia.

Back to the original message--it definitely makes you look cultured. Russian fur hats imply that you have been reading up on Dostoevsky and Tolstoy, and you know all about what happened at Chernobyl. The important is not to be cultured, but only to look the part. You are only going to be talking to so many people at parties this winter; they couldn't appropriately investigate your background and intelligence even if they wanted to. This scenario also implies that an actually cultured person wouldn't be able to showoff adequately in such a short amount of time. Why bother learning about a region when it is such an obvious waste of time? Just put on that ushanka and let curiosity do the rest.

Don't worry about getting busted. When was the last time someone wearing a keffiyeh got busted for not being able to find its country of origin on a map, or even knowing who Arafat was? Live your life, and get some well-deserved attention for it.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

This Is My Life

So just yesterday the transmission in car was like, "Do you really expect me to keep working?" and gave up on helping me go faster than fifteen miles an hour. I have had this car for a long time, and something like this is a pretty big deal breaker.

I need to decide now if I am going to get a new car or spend a billion dollars getting the transmission fixed on this one. My current car upholstery leaves something to be desired, so maybe that is why I should get a new car. What else would I base it on? Be realistic. Auto upholstery is the new black, and cars are the new handbags. Black, stylish handbags.

Basically I just don't know what to do about this car situation. It would be nice to get a new car, but is that really something that I need right now? Maybe I should get new car upholstery like I have been blabbing about for all this time. I would probably get some kind of fancy rich person fabric--that way it would be easier for me to get jobs and meet people. Back me up on this, rich people--you know your lives are easy.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Save the Clock Tower

Are large wall clocks still a thing that people have? I can answer that question in the affirmative because my sister has a ton of them. Clocks are hardly even functional anymore, so what is the point of having a really huge one?

Maybe people are making ironic statements about the uselessness of analog clocks in this day and age. By putting a huge clock on their wall they are saying, "We all have clocks in our pockets that are attached to telephones that can handle the most advanced acts that the human race is capable of, but you can still look at this huge clock on my wall realize the importance of time over all of those other things! YEAH!" That isn't an example of irony, but halfway through writing it this version sounded funnier in my head--this is MY blog.

Large wall clocks--ironic, non-ironic, or nostalgic reminders--are weird. I only think that because I always see them sold in stores that I never shop in. Some people fear what they don't understand, but I think things are weird if I never get closer than ten feet away. It is the same basic principle. If I ever walk into a mom store that sells big clocks I will do my best to understand them.

Home Decor in the Real World

What kinds of items could I use for a little interior home decorating? I normally just buy random pieces of furniture and books, but that might not cut it forever. I am not really into the idea of having things around that I don't need, so it will be a tough bridge to cross.

Maybe I will just take all the functional items in my house and turn them into decorations. For instance, I could take the magnetic plates that are designed to hold knives and forks in the kitchen and apply them elsewhere. Would the TV remote stick to one of those? They have batteries in them don't they? Home decor items of the past beware--these are great ideas.

I need to make a list of all the possible ways I could decorate my house with the random things that are already messing it up. Like the time I hammered Ben's headphones to the wall--who's the artist now? It is minimalism and technological art at its finest. To be honest, even though these really are great ideas, I will probably still go to a store and buy some random things. As soon as it starts snowing our floors are going to get ruined. That is what I will take care of today. This is real.

Having S

I can't remember the last time I was in a sex shop. Actually I can; It was probably four or five years ago after I had just gotten back from a trip that was probably to Toronto. I went with this girl who was on her way to a bachelorette party.

Our culture deems it appropriate to bring sex toys or other adult gifts to these kinds of events. It implies that women don't need these things before they get married because they are supposed to be having S until they tie the knot. If women lose their virginity before marriage no one will want them, because some of us are still pilgrims and/or sexist. The best part of this little cultural tidbit is that everyone knows sex before marriage is common, yet we still need these little ceremonies to help us pretend and uphold those values in a completely false way.

I am not saying people need to abstain from sex before marriage for any reason other than choice. I am saying we shouldn't have to pretend to be that way because our culture used to force it on us, and still does in many ways.

Also, this post is aimed at women, because since men are in control they can sleep with whoever they want. BOOM. Haven't you seen Mad Men? It's just our nature--which also means we don't have to make excuses for it. With great power comes great responsibility.

Monday, November 1, 2010


What is it about sex toys that are so desirable? More often than not I hear that it has to do with excitement; people are into trying new things all the time, so after a while with the same partner it is kind of a natural progression.

I can relate because I get bored really easily. However, getting bored easily does not mean that I am looking for new things to make something old more exciting--it means that I am looking for something new entirely. Sex toys have never even crossed my mind because I am bored with a person long before I am bored with their goods. What? It's called honesty, and honesty is a VIRTUE. This is America, not Toronto.

Plus, who wants to rely on sex toys to have a good time? Probably a lot of people, actually. I am too busy to complicate my life with sex toys. I don't need a car AND a motorcycle, get it?

I am running out of euphemisms pretty quickly, so I should probably end this post before something less metaphoric comes out. I have dropped enough knowledge, science, and love for one day. Let me know if you have any sexy questions, readers; there is a chance I will care enough to answer them.

Sexy Confusion

I have been wondering about something recently: pretty much anything can be used as a sex toy right? I mean, sex toys are, by nature, pretty open to interpretation and use. With this in mind does it mean that all toys are potentially sex toys?

Next time you are in the sex shop, yeah I know you go there all the time, take a closer look at the "toys" and see what you notice. None of them are actually toys in the normal sense of the word. It is a little strange to think that sex toys are not necessarily toys, and that the average toy can be used for numerous sexual acts. Is everyone else out there enjoying the sexual diversity of our society as much as I am? If you say yes you are a total pervert, and if you say no then you are repressed--have fun trying to be normal.

Maybe the problem really is our society. Perhaps we would all be better off in Canadian cities like Kitchener--how safe does that place sound? Plus Scott Pilgrim lived in Toronto, so it can't be that bad of a place right? Right. If you can remember the point of this post, please tell me in the form of a comment.

Write Write Write

A lot of bloggers have expertise, or claims of expertise in certain areas. If there is one theme on this blog, it is that I don't have a lot of expertise in the standard ways of the internet. For instance, I don't really know anything about men's designer clothing. Sure, that doesn't seem like a big deal, but for those of you out there who know how many blogs exist solely to talk about fashion you can understand what a big niche this topic is.

For me not knowing about men's designer clothing doesn't pose an issue. If that's what you are looking for, then I have no doubt that you will be able to find a blog that talks about ascots and fitted ties in a heartbeat. This blog is dedicated to whatever is in my head, or rather, whatever isn't in my head. This blog is a cup that I simply pour liquid thoughts into--one can't exactly separate the chocolate from the milk in mid-pour can they?

Most blog writers choose topics that they are knowledgeable about so that they can have some kind of authority. Well since their authority is self-assigned it doesn't really do it for me. I have no claims: I don't know anything, but that isn't going to stop me from writing ALL THE TIME.

Fancy Me

I am not getting any younger, or cuter. The time is drawing close when I will have to start buying designer menswear to compensate for my disappearing youth. Don't cry for me, Earth, I lasted a lot longer than I should have as a casual young man.

One can't wear T-shirts and hooded sweatshirts forever. How am I going to find a wife or a job at a bank dressed that way? If there is one thing I have learned from watching TV and talking to my sisters, it is that women love men's designer clothing. Who can blame them? Dudes dressed in expensive, fitted clothes have no choice but to look awesome. The time has come for me head to the mall and lighten my wallet significantly.

Originally my plan was to just dress comfortably and neutrally for the rest of my life, but the real world has shattered that idea. I can't even order food in a restaurant without the server thinking I am homeless. My clothing isn't even unkempt, it is just isn't designer menswear. The importance of how we all look is stressed every time we walk out the door, so get rich or die trying.