Friday, July 30, 2010

No Bears Allowed

The world is full of rules of etiquette and manners for every situation. Something like a fancy dinner party with numerous forks comes to mind--but what about more common applications. What if, for instance, you are on a gay chat website and don't want to appear to be an amateur to those already involved in the muscle chat scene?

Well first off, close that website. There is something wrong with sexy chatting no matter what your sexual orientation is. Oh, you want to stay? Fine.

Make sure you have plenty of muscles before you even create an account. Guess why? People like muscles. Since you are removing anything from the interaction that is actually important (personality, intelligence, background, ethics, etc.), and even removing the tangible benefits of a one-night stand, all that is left is what you, and the man on the video screen, look like. Make sure you are both as objectified as possible before continuing on. Muscled and tan? Ok, you are finally ready to gay chat and/or muscle chat.

When looking at dirty magazines or websites isn't enough, but you are still too afraid to go slumming at bars, this is the alternative for you. Straight or gay, there is a chat website out there with the types anonymous and non-connective relationships that fit your lifestyle. What an accommodating world we live in.

Nice Try

I once locked my keys in my apartment. My only option was to call a locksmith and hope that they could get my door open. I had never had to call a locksmith before, so I didn't really know what to expect--Not the amount of money it would cost, how long it would take, not anything.

After about an hour he showed up. He looked at my door and spent the next ten minutes telling me that it would probably be impossible to open my door, but he would try anyway. I felt like he was acting strange, but I wasn't really worried about it yet. After a little more complaining, and a longer explanation that made it sound like he was doing me a huge favor by even trying, he popped the door open in two seconds without even opening his toolbox.

I stood there amazed--not at his skill, but at the major lies he used to make it seem like he had a really hard job. I thought this even more when he asked me for $140. I told that him I couldn't (wouldn't) pay that, so he might as well lock me out again. After a little arguing back and forth about how shady this all felt, he settled for $30. $30!? that's quite a drop, my friend. He drove off back to Scottsdale, or wherever he was from, and I put my keys in my pocket.

Be wary of your local locksmith, they could be an inept swindler.

Assisting Life

I know why the term "assisted living" exists--it's a much nicer way of describing a nursing home, or something like it. The term also implies that the people going there will still be "living" and thus not "dead," but it will still take a little assistance. I get it--it's little nicer. But doesn't it seem a little too broad?

The other day I went swimming and had a really good time, my friend came with me and compounded the fun. By helping me have a better time were we both participating in assisted living? Sounds like it. Does it sound like we were also taking part in "nursing home?" Not at all. This distinction in terms is something that's used to imply two things at once. It creates the feeling of, "I know this thing is not what I want, but I guess it doesn't sound as bad as I thought." No Grandpa! You can have assisted living with us!

Of course sometimes you really just need to put the elderly people in your life away somewhere. Maybe even send them to a different city, like Phoenix. Just as long as they are far enough away to create a good excuse for a lack of visitation. After all, when we get old, isn't that what we want done to us?

Chanandelar Bong

I didn't really watch the show Friends when it was on, but I think I saw enough of it to write some new episodes and try to bring it back.

So first off we find Chandler and Joey destitute; it's been a few years since we last saw them, and a lot has apparently happened (plus no one else on that show was funny, so they don't need to be around right now). They live in an apartment together, and are discussing how they could possibly make rent this month. While wallowing in their disgusting surrounds Joey notices the dirty carpet and exclaims that they should start a carpet cleaning business. Chandler then exclaims, "Could this carpet BE more helpful and ripe with inspiration!?" Big laugh. Scene.

Basically after that their carpet cleaning service is a huge success despite numerous hilarious problems like flooding a house with soap, or an old rich lady thinking Joey is cute or something--doesn't matter, these things write themselves.

If the network won't buy this, then I can write in something about going to clean a house and all their old friends (That's the show!) and that monkey live there--and the chicken/duck. Problem solved. For the record I wrote this in ten minutes, which is ten times longer than it takes to write the average sitcom episode.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Just one More

So you are a gay person living in a straight world. It can be a scary thing, and you might not be ready to embrace who you really are. If the world is making you terrified of being gay, but you still want to meet hunks in an impersonal way there is hope: muscle chat. That's right, you can easily find an online gay chat website and let your true colors fly--but not really, because you are too scared to be true to yourself.

It's ok to be scared--the world is pretty against you, and that is wildly unfair. But rather than trying to form or join certain thriving homosexual communities, just hide behind your webcam and check out some decent abs. If you are just looking to meet some sexy dudes, then just stick with that. By staying home and lurking with people online, the rights that you deserve will probably just show up at your door one day.

But really try this: Log into a gay chat website and talk about some of the different gay literature that is out there. Talk about the importance of Toni Kushner's plays and why it's important that he is writing about the connection of AIDS with the deterioration of the world, as a whole, and not just the homosexual community. Just make sure you're doing something, while you're doing nothing.

This is my Job

Riddle me this: If you are a homosexual and you live in a community where it is not exacted the common lifestyle, how do you meet people who share your interests? The internet, duh. Find some awesome muscle chat website and have at it. Internet dating is pretty much accepted as commonly as tangible dating these days--unless it's gay online dating, that probably still isn't very accepted. Good one, society.

Either way join a website and have a nice gay chat with other hunks. At the very least you can breach the surface of forming a stronger gay community, as well as check out some decent pecs. Make you sure you take it a step further and meet in real life though--without that then there is no way to form a community and you will be stuck in the seventies just like Larry Kramer was afraid of.

Meeting a ripped significant other is something that everyone wants, regardless of any differences we have. You have got to take every chance possible at meeting someone--whether it's in the grocery store or in a gay chat room. Looking for love, or just for fun, do what you want and don't let The Man get you down--he has killed our collective buzz for long enough.

College Fun

Scottsdale Arizona gets a bad wrap for being a crazy partying college town filled with hot dudes and killer babes. I say "bad wrap" because that is how everyone outside that area feels. You think those kids aren't having the best time of their lives? The best time. All they have to do is keep their GPAs above 2.0 and stay attractive.

Weight loss in this area is probably a huge industry. If those girls aren't skinny then none of the ripped party boys will stalk them--tragic. And likewise, if those buff guys don't have clearly visible abs then how will they get people to notice them during volleyball games? Sure, fast weight loss can be achieved through starvation and and other drastic means, but no one in college ever does that. They would also not revert to habit forming drugs that aid in weight loss and fun.

These kids are just having a good time. A little partying here and there never hurt anyone probably. Just let them have their strong, tan, drunk fun--they will grow out of it at some point. Then these young men can enter the corporate world as salesman, and the young women can finally become the wives of salesman. These children are the future, and they are looking really, really tan.

Party Less Hard

If National parties were deadly animals, Mardi Gras would be a giant squid with a tiny bear head on the end of each tentacle--and those bears would have laser mouths*. What I'm saying is that Mardi Gras is a really dangerous place. Whether it's drunk people staggering and puking everywhere, dangerous floats, or aggressive frat boys, the dangers lurk around every corner.

There are certain precautions you can take though: For one, don't go--problem solved. However, if you love partying too much to avoid this mess, then maybe you should be in contact with a good law firm. If someone crosses your path then take them down as fast as you can--especially if they are the frat boys. Don't let the matrons and patrons of Baton Rouge scare you into submission.

If nothing can keep you away from Baton Rouge then be prepared. Bring some hidden weapons and an attitude--people hate having their buzz killed. Just avoid the crowds and clutch the card with that has the number of the law firm on it. The world is kind of like a vampire, and vampires are every one of the seven sins--brutal. Be careful when you are partying, and be sure to take no prisoners.

*Other deadly animal options I considered: (1) ...Mardi Gras would be a giant squid with crocodile teeth on each tentacle--and those teeth were actually flames. (2) ...Mardi Gras would be a giant grizzly with a dragon's head–and that dragon was made of machine guns.

Sell our Cars Now

If you are planning on being a bad driver then you are going to need some auto insurance. Of course, if you plan on having a clean driving record then don't even worry about it. Insurance is for people who make mistakes and break stuff. It's the responsibility of these klutzy people to be prepared to pay for the damages that they cause.

There are car accidents in every city in the country: New York, Los Angeles, Phoenix--I'm not going to list them all, but they happen. This is starting to sound pretty dangerous; maybe none of us need cars at all. If we didn't have cars, there wouldn't be car accidents, and then no one would need insurance at all. Maybe we could have bumping-into-people insurance so the agents don't lose their jobs.

If you are thinking of getting auto insurance maybe you should just sell your car instead. Not only would you save some money by not having to pay for insurance, but you can sell a car for a couple thousand dollars! Who knew that cars could be such a lucrative form of currency? Probably a lot of people, but still, do we really need them? We have a million forms of public transportation these days--none of which are your responsibility to insure.

I am an old Soul

As a person in my mid-twenties, I sometimes feel like I am ready for assisted living. Don't misunderstand me--I am perfectly healthy and even work (oh, right now?), but that doesn't mean I should have to wait to enjoy the fruits of senior living. Retirement is something that I think I could really benefit from.

I am already pretty good at relaxing, which is a key feature when it comes to being a successfully retired individual. But the real question is this: Could I relax for the rest of my life? It would be tough, but I could probably handle it. The house I live in right now has two cats in it; which is just another item that brings me one step closer to being ready for a move into some senior housing.

Maybe I will retire to Pittsburgh Pennsylvania to be closer to the Martin family, or maybe I will just stay exactly where I am like an old person who fears change. Perfect. The key to a successful retirement plan is practice and preparedness. Don't just jump in and assume that you will be all about old life right away. For some, the transition can be a rough one, so be ready at least a few decades early.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Nothing Should Ever Explode

One time I was driving on the freeway and my tire exploded. It was really obnoxious. Luckily I had a job at the time, so instead of driving around on my spare for a year I went to the local tire dealer and fixed the problem. Guess what though? Tires cost a ton of money. My exploding tire was the gift that kept on giving.

If tires are going to cost as much as they do, then they should NEVER EXPLODE. That seems like an easy enough guarantee for any kind of product, unless its sole purpose is to explode--then it's fine. Am I asking too much of my local tire dealer? I don't think so. We live in a modern time where things don't just explode all the time like they used to. This isn't The Jungle* so I shouldn't have to be worried about being killed by everything that surrounds me.

From New York to Knoxville, tires explode everyday. No one ever enjoys it, so hopefully they stop doing that pretty soon. The freeway is a dangerous enough place as it is, and adding anything explosive to the mix does not seem necessary. So please, tire industry, be a little more cool about everything.

*The italics mean that I'm referring what Upton Sinclair wrote, and not what Rudyard Kipling wrote about.

Atlanta WK

It is no secret--especially to readers of this blog--that Atlanta is a place where people go to party as hard as possible. It is indeed a place where player's are free to run wild, as nature intended. However, this does not always end well; people cannot continuously party without there being some repercussions and disasters. Whether you are a rapper or Andrew WK, partying hard still has its dangers.

Disaster recovery is just one of the many steps that need to be taken after any successful party. For instance: Planning, partying, elapse of time, disaster recovery. See? It is inevitable. Be prepared for any fires that might explode from your residence, or hurricanes that could stem from loud music. The dangers are many, as are the parties, so just remember that with great parties comes great responsibility and babes.

The parties have clearly not stopped, so the disasters are apparently being thwarted. Perhaps they combat the problems with other, even larger parties. True players know how to fight fire with fire. This will just keep escalating until the world either explodes or every single person on Earth is partying. Welcome to Atlanta, where the players party all night, everyday, and literally fight fire with fire.

This is what I Live For

Ever get tired and don't know why? If you thinks it's because you aren't in better shape guess again. The problem is that your personal energy is dropping to dangerously low levels. You can't fix this with the average solutions like energy drinks--what you need are mental energy drinks! Since this blog is now your official spiritual life coach, please heed its words.

Do not let your mental energy drop below a certain point, or else you will never be able to think again. Don't worry about going to the gym--what has that ever done for anyone? Start working out your soul muscles and getting your spirit's beach body back and be more ripped than ever. Your spiritual life is in grave danger of contracting diseases like spiritual heart attacks, aura diabetes, and ch'i obesity.

Watch your energies closely--don't let spiritual sickness creep up on you. Morpheus once said that "...the body cannot survive without the mind," and that sounds pretty true. Take some time out to meditate and reflect on Mother Gaya and all that she has given you. She will make your brain and energies sync up appropriately. This is the first day of the rest of your life.

Family Ties

My Uncle is a chiropractor. He has his own chiropractic business, and is good at what he does. So what is the downside? That there are like 75 people in my family, and every time we all get together (like 4 times a year) everyone is in his face about getting an adjustment--right there on the floor. Of course he does it, and everyone is happy.

Well it just so happens that I have never asked him for any type of chiropractic service. Not once. It's not that I'm trying to be nice to him--I'm not even nice--I'm just not really into getting massages, adjustments, and the like. So one day we were all sitting around and he was adjusting someone, and I made a joke about how I've never asked him for anything like that. His only response was a quiet, "Thank you." At that moment I knew that I had something to throw in my whole family's collective face at once. Now all I have to do is bide my time and wait for the perfect moment.

Being able to make my family feel selfish all at once is going to be awesome. Every time we see each other we are all constantly trying to find new ways to hurt everyone's feelings--it's great. This joke will be my Graceland.

PS if you can guess where my Uncle is from I'll give you $5. Here is a hint: It isn't Cleveland Heights.

A Sign of Things to Come

There is actually a website out in the world that is specifically for hiring sign spinners to hang out in front of your business. You know what I'm talking about--the people in front of Little Caesars who dance around holding pizza signs. Yeah. How is this a real website? You think places are struggling to find sign spinners, so they need your professional help to find the right person? There is even an episode of Flight of the Conchords where this business exists, and THAT is the entire joke.

I guess I just always assumed that the people who gave the worst interviews got the jobs as the human billboards--"You are too weird to talk to the customers, but you would probably be a decent post to hang a sign on." Apparently the process is not that simple. You can't just be inept to be a human arrow, but now you have to join the sign spinner union. Does this mean that one day all the sign people could potentially go on strike at the same time? Would it be the greatest strike of all time, since they are already so good at holding signs, or would nobody care? Hmm.

I just can't understand the world anymore. I refuse to believe that there are people out there who are considered professional spinners, but the world just keeps throwing things like this in my face. I can't sleep anymore.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Natural Guilt

House painting is serious business. Would you paint your house hot pink? No way, and that is what makes it so serious. People tend to stick with earth tones for the color of their home, and there is good reason for that: guilt. Guilt drives a lot of what we do, so it makes sense that it would help us decide what color to paint our house as well.

We, as cool humans, are doing our best to obliterate nature. Even though it is really satisfying, we still feel pretty guilty about it. When we see an empty lot we can't help but feel bad that nothing is growing there. "I can't live here," you think to yourself, "Everything is dead." But then in comes your beautiful home that is several shades of brown. "Hey is that a house, or a bunch of trees!?" Doesn't matter--the important thing is that you feel better.

House painting that reflects nature is a great way to keep us from noticing the absence of nature. The goal of this blog is to start a movement in large cities, like Atlanta, where everyone paints their house as if it is a part of nature. Talk about going green--as in, let's talk about going green.


My brother-in-law is a contractor, but he used to be solely an electrician. Every once in a while he would bring me to a job with him. The only good memories I have from doing that is eating really good hamburgers at lunch time. Other than those good hamburgers, all I did was pull wire and unscrew things were screwed too tightly. It was a good time.

Being an electrician seemed like it was pretty tough work. I'm glad I never got shocked, but if I had then I would at least have a cool story to tell right now. Now that I think about it, my other friend Dallas was also an electrician for a little while. He wasn't that smart so maybe the job isn't so tough--or maybe he just got shocked all the time.

So there are your two types of electricians: The one who is smart, and the one who is tough. Either way, they will last to the end of the job and fix up your electrical problems. I was neither of those, so now I write blogs. But these blogs are on the internet, which is powered with electricity, so I guess in some way I am still an electrician. Awesome.

Cater Hard

I'll be honest, catering seems like it would be a pretty cool job. I'm sure certain aspects of the job would get monotonous and boring, but... there is food everywhere. Having a job where you could easily sneak food, be in a new location, and make jokes about rich people sounds awesome.

I have a friend in the catering business, Ben Best, and he once related a story to me where he made Italian sodas for people all night. He also said that he drank at least seven of them, and was in the best mood all night. Sounds like a good life. If Ben could sneak that many drinks, I could easily sneak a full meal into my tummy every time I worked.

If the show Party Down has taught me anything, it's that catering allows for only 10% work at a job. The other 90% is for eating, joking, meeting cool babes/dudes, and trying to become a famous actor. Even if you are from the little town of Mequon, moving to Hollywood to become an actor and caterer is probably your best bet. That way you can meet famous people, and still get all the free food you need--it's a perfect life.

Fake Criminals

There might be a few of us out there who want to become criminals. I don't mean like bank robbers or something else difficult, but just someone who takes food from the grocery store when the line is too long, or nothing is on sale. That isn't exactly a crime that will destroy the fabric of society, but that is definitely not how the rest of the world sees it.

This is why criminal defense lawyers exist--maybe not strictly the "why", but it should be. People who are only criminals in a technical sense are not people who should prosecuted as if they are truly bad people, and thus they need to be defended by someone. From Los Angeles to Kansas City, people bend laws all the time and are the better for it. Whenever you see the police arresting a shoplifter don't you think, "Hey, did a murderer just cross the street?"

So if you feel like breaking the law a tiny bit, then you should go for it. A loaf of bread from Walmart? Get real, they won't even feel that. And if for some reason they see fit to take you down because of it then just call up a criminal defense lawyer and shake up the system. That's right, put everyone on trial--put the SYSTEM on trial.

You'll Be a Dentist

So the other day I was watching the 1986 musical, Little Shop of Horrors, the one with Rick Moranis, and I had totally forgotten that Steve Martin plays the dentist in that movie. My heart split a little at the thought of how funny Steve Martin used to be--not that he isn't funny anymore, but he just isn't in very funny movies.

If I have to choose between the dad in Cheaper by the Dozen or the singing, serial dentist, the answer is obvious. Steve Martin has made some of the funniest movies of all time, most notably The Jerk. Though that brand of comedy might be a little strange by today's standards but it is still funnier than most movies I've seen in the last decade or so.

So come back to us Steve; start writing your own characters again and being in charge of your career. Come out of that retirement home in Spring Hill FL, or wherever it is you are and get silly. The Jerk and The Dentist are just a few of your classic characters that need to survive. I just need Steve Martin to return in a big way, and that's all I need.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Secret Identity Partying

This isn't be the first time that this blog has made mention of how hard players play in Atlanta, and it will definitely not be the last. However, we need to examine partying from a more practical angle this time. One cannot expect to throw a raging party every night, but where could you possibly hope to keep all your chalices, streamers, party rugs, inflatable chairs, personalized kegs and so on when the party has ceased? You need a few storage units.

Having a storage unit gives you tons of advantages in the partying world. For one, people will think you are NOT a partier with a house devoid of party supplies, and then BOOM, party this weekend. It'll be like your house is a superhero with a secret identity. Then just when everyone is ready for your tricky game, give them a new address and they'll be like, "Whoa where is this place?" Then when they get there and realize they are partying in your storage unit it will all be clear and awesome.

Yes parties in storage units: the way of the future. It's easier to fill, and you won't even have to move any of your party gear. Welcome to Atlanta.

Family Laws

Lawyers often have a bad wrap. This makes sense when a type of lawyer is compared with the rate of pay that they earn: A Prosecuting attorney makes a fraction of what a cutthroat corporate lawyer makes. And seriously, charging someone five hundred dollars just to read and explain a contract? Please just write it in standard English and be cool about it.

There are only a handful of practices that don't relish in taking money from people. Something like family law or an adoption attorney sound like professions that someone could perform and still sleep at night. However, family law could also involve someone who splits up a family and gives all the money to one side. But who knows? Most of us are just afraid of lawyers, so the best we can do is not think about it.

Let's just hope that family law practices around the country, from St Louis to San Luis Obispo, are as sweet and practical their title makes them sound. Maybe they are just around to enforce the basic rules of the home, like kids eating vegetables:
"But I don't like broccoli!"
"As your attorney, I advise you to eat at least two thirds of your serving--it's a family law."

Surreal Estate

What do I know about real estate? As a college student all I know is that ten people are supposed to live in a two bedroom house. Is that what real Estate is? I hope not. When are people my age supposed learn the ins and outs of buying a house, or how property ownership really works? Today? Is it today?

The other day I was looking through the magazine Dwell and, more important than the showcase of crazy modern houses, was the location of all the houses. They were all out in the middle of nature--not neighborhoods. Why isn't the world like that? One of the houses was built on a dock half over the water. Uhh, let's do that. Are these people just buying real estate and then building whatever they want on it? That is such an obviously a good idea that I can't stand it.

Not to mention all of these houses were small; they were just big enough to fit the owners and their necessities. So if you live in a college town like Glendale Az, start looking into real estate and a better life. None of us need mansions, but we also don't need to be crammed into a house like stuffing into a teddy bear--unless that teddy bear is actually the shape of your ultra-modern home. That one is mine, please don't take it.

Lil' Outlaws

There are several rites of passage that come during childhood. One of these major moments is writing something in wet cement. This is important because it is one of the easiest ways illustrate to a child what it is to leave their mark on the world. Kids should know early on that they, one person, can change things in a way that will last for years and years.

The only problem is that the pavement maintenance people will do anything to stop this from happening. They do not like kids doing things to things--it makes them crazy. However, their hatred for this rite of passage teaches the child another important lesson: Making your mark is more important than obeying rules. In order to write in this cement, a child must knowingly break a rule and destroy something orderly. Beautiful.

Across the world, from Beijing to Dallas, kids need to learn early on that rules are meant to be approached on a one on one basis. Don't obey them because of existence--learn and decide which ones actually matter. Don't let the pavement maintenance people of the world keep you from expressing yourself in legal and illegal ways. Make your mark every chance you get.

"Shh! I'm trying to watch this" -- Coleridge

When I was a kid, one of my favorite films was Ninja Turtles. However, even as a child I wondered if those giant turtles could really live in the sewer--Yes I was fine with giant, talking, weapon-wielding turtles, but I was concerned if the logistics of living in the sewer were accurately portrayed in the film. Anyway, all I knew about the sewer at that point was that it was apparently where all of my potty went--making it no place to live.

Maybe the Turtles just lived a section where the sewer service was above average, and thus, way cleaner. Perhaps it was abandoned. Oh wait, now I remember--It's fictional.

This is an important part of growing up: not complaining about something in a film when it is "unrealistic". Even if the film is all about realism and obeys all the rules of the world we actually live in, that doesn't mean the universe created by the film has to be devoid of miraculous events--in fact we should welcome them. Isn't the point of a fictional story to show the audience something normal and different at the same time?

Suspend your disbelief long enough to enjoy the movie. Relish in the fiction of giant turtles, magic queens, and wars in Indianapolis. It's just a story, so either learn a lesson from it, or enjoy the escape that it gives you.

Make it Happen

I hope all of you out there are aware of what is supposed to happen on Prom Night; The champion of the football team and the Prom Queen are supposed to fall in love. Little did the rest of us know that this fateful mating ritual relies heavily on tradition and the perfect unraveling of events. This means that everything from the prom theme to the right limousine service are all factors in this circle of life.

Many of you out there might be thinking, "I didn't know so much importance was placed on a high school dance." Well if you are pondering on that, it just means you weren't lucky enough to peak in high school like the mega jocks and super babes. For them, this night means everything--it is the first day of the end of their lives.

If you are indeed the quarterback, then it is up to you to find that perfect limousine service--one that rivals the cars racing in the Indianapolis 500--or your date will never have to marry you. The rest of your life isn't going to be anything special, so make sure these memories will be enough to carry you for a few decades. Your kids will need to learn from your example if they are going to follow in your footsteps.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Baby Kitten Stuff

Hospitals are pretty depressing places. The only place more depressing is the funeral home, but the hospital is only a step away from that. Is there a way to make it a more enjoyable place--make it cuter perhaps? Welcome to the Animal Hospital: The cutest place the world has to offer.

Perhaps the animal hospital isn't that cute. Think about it: Are tons of animals together in one place cute even they are sick? In reality no, but in my head YES. All I can picture is a bunch of kittens with thermometers in their mouths and ice-bags on their heads. A few baby panda nurses are crawling through the hallways with little hats on. Puppy doctors performing open-heart surgery on a dolph--whoa, too real. But still, the idea is there, and it is beautiful.

Whether you live in Los Angeles or Appleton, pay a visit to your local animal hospital and have your day brightened--not like the stupid real hospital where no baby animals are allowed. Get real. Little animals need to be cured of terminal illnesses just as mush as any other creature, and they also need to be cured in ways that are just as cute as they are. Let's see it, science.

Gravity Always Wins

Finding the right plastic surgeon is a decision that we all have to make. Oh, you don't think you'll ever need plastic surgery? Well tell that to your friends and co-workers who need you to keep being attractive. Don't let age sneak up on you and take all the joy out of your life.

So if you want to stay young and beautiful, finding the perfect plastic surgeon might be the most important decision you will ever make. You don not want some doctor who will make you look like a monster; you want someone who will freeze and inflame your lips while making your eyes twice as wide as normal. You will be more beautiful than nature ever intended.

Not only will you get to keep all your friends, but then you will probably make tons of new friends--even more attractive then all of your old friends. You might even end up ditching your old life in Farmington Hills for a new one in Beverly Hills. These new beautiful friends will require you to look better, meaning that your surgeon will need to be called up again. Hopefully you found a good one so they can help you once a month when you need those touch-ups and tuck-ins. This is the world we live in.

Mending Walls

Why are there still fences all over the place? Most of us live in suburban areas where a fence doesn't really serve a purpose, outside of aesthetics. Maybe if we all had some animals running around on our property we would have a real reason to try and separate ourselves.

Fencing is a great way to keep things in (or out). So when your sweet neighbors--in Richland MI, for example--walk outside and see your fenced-in yard, the message is that they are not welcome. However, fencing is so common that people will hardly notice the purpose they are serving anymore. Your neighbor will probably come by one day and help you fix it, not understanding the irony of their actions and their words as they recite, "Good fences make good neighbors."

We are all separated by these fences and we don't even realize it. Everyone is so happy being an individual that we try to apply to every aspect of life. Take down your fencing and have a BBQ in your front yard. Good neighbors make good neighbors and that is as simple as it gets. Be a good neighbor and those who live around you will happily return the favor.

The Return of Randy

At the behest of Betty--and the luck of the draw with keywords--here is another post about Randy, the florist and delivery boy.

A few weeks ago I played on the radio with a musical group. Randy, being the good friend that he is, wanted to listen to us play even though he had to work. The radio in his flower van didn't work, so he had listen to the broadcast using a fancy internet phone. At one point, he walked up to a door with some flowers in one hand, his phone playing my band in the other, and delivered the bouquet to, what can only be described as, a pretty confused woman.

You think this post is about flowers and florists? No way--it's about friendship. A florist might deliver joy all the way from Sacramento to Oklahoma City, but a true friend risks losing their job to hear you do something that have heard you do a thousand times before. Give me that over some flowers any day.

For the record, Randy did not lose his job with the florist and is currently still delivering flowers to those who need attention and reminders of attention. Hopefully one day he will show up on your porch with some flowers and strange music coming from the hand behind his back.

Be really Careful all the Time

A few years ago, I pulled into my parents driveway for a visit. As I was pulling in I noticed that someone was trimming a tree in their yard. Just as I noticed the tree trimmer, a branch fell onto a telephone wire, he touched it, and died*; It was a strange morning. He was just performing a simple job--the tree did look pretty great--and I bet he wasn't expecting that.

For a long time after that I started noticing potential accidents all around me. If a person in something like tree service could kick the bucket without even trying, then anyone could. My eyes bugged out of my head every time I saw a car change lanes on the freeway, or a toddler awkwardly run. "You're kid is going to fall and hit their fontanel!" I would want to scream.

The tree service industry aged me a few years that day. With my family spread all over the country--parents in California, and sisters in Salt Lake City and Austin--My worry spread itself across the Midwest. I have calmed down a decent amount since The Day of The Trimming, but sometimes I still tense up when I hear an electrical buzz or see a guy in a tree. All I can do is try to relax and not die--pretty simple.

*For the record I am not allowed to lie on this blog, so know that this is a true story. Crazy.

Bummer Heat

With Summer hitting its brutal peak, my apartment is getting harder and harder to cool off. Not to mention that when winter comes, I will also be without heat. Why did I decide to live in such an accommodating place? For the exposed brick, of course. Just kidding. But really, I need to call the heating and air people to see if they can do something about it.

I have been trying to find a new place to live, but every other place in my city is just as stupid. I would either have to share a room, get married, or be a girl to get a decent apartment or house. The system is clearly not designed for me. Heating and air are only a few of the issues that keep me out of my place all day, but the picture is painted well enough to prevent any further detail. Sure I recently posted on here about how great my plumbing works, but that can only carry me so far--plus if my plumbing wasn't working I would be like, "Is this for real?"

Maybe I have just outgrown this place and my air conditioning problems are a gentle sign letting me know. Maybe I should just move back to San Diego, bleach my hair, start a noise band and see where the wind takes me. I will make a list of all the different lives that I could start and see which one makes the most sense--Southern CA rock and roll star is only one option of many. Great.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Flowers from Randy

I have some friends who work for a florist as flower delivery men. Working for any florist would be a great job: you smell good, you bring people things that are pretty, and you help restore relationships when they have been tarnished. Here is a great situation in which one of these friends (we will call him Randy) used flowers to help AND hurt a relationship.

As Randy was delivering flowers one day, he found himself close to the home of his long-time girlfriend. He thought to himself, "This is going to be a great joke." He then pulled the van up to her house and knocked on the door. As she opened it he smiled and handed her a large bouquet of flowers. Her happiness toward Randy was limitless--that is until he told her that he was working, and these flowers were meant for someone else. He took them away and got back into the van. Good one.

What can we learn from Randy, the florist delivery man? that if you pretend to give your girlfriend flowers, you will have to buy her real flowers later or she will kill you. This is also the lesson that Randy learned. As he continues to deliver flowers around his residence in--let's say Oklahoma City--let's hope that he treats his florist duties with a little more respect than he has in the past.

How's the Plumbing down There?

There is a troubling term going around where someone refers to a woman's insides as "plumbing." I guess I am not so troubled about the disrespect that is being implied for the organs which create life, but rather, I wonder if the phrase really only applies to women.

The term is so loose that it can easily be used for any internal organ. We don't see plumbing in our homes, but we know that it works and that it movies liquids around somehow. The same can be said of basically any of our specific guts. So why then do I only hear the term applied to the birthing areas of women? Men have "plumbing" too, don't they?

Let us think about the use of this term. Since it is only applied to women (as far as I know), does that make it respectful or disrespectful? It could be respectful in that, since it does apply to a specific and extremely important region, the term is not sullied by being used on men who do not have those same pipes. Or, it could be simply a way of slandering an important region of the body as a way of making it seem not so important--thus women, though having the ability to give birth, are not more powerful than men.
"My stomach has been bothering me."
"Oh, you mean your plumbing? Get real."

To be clear, none of this matters in any way at all.

These Pipes Are Clean

Just the other week I was having some bowel issues. It was an unpleasant time, to say the least, so I will spare you of the unpleasant story. Just let it be known that I was the unhappiest of campers. However, as is obvious from my other blogs, it is just in my nature to look for the silver lining. The benefit from this event is perfectly clear: I am now aware that my apartment has excellent plumbing.

The happiness that I experienced as all my different plumbing systems worked together is unparalleled in my life. How much worse would that whole experience have been if my plumbing had been sub par? It’s actually something that I would rather not think about. It is enough to send up a silent prayer/blog post of thanks to whoever was looking out for my pipes during that troubled time in my life.

I have traveled all over this country–from New York to Sacramento, and I have always appreciated plumbing no matter the location. Out of all the luxuries that we have as a wealthy and modern society, one of the only ones that matters is our system of plumbing. That is really what separates people from animals: not a certain flare for consciousness or our gift for sarcasm, but the idea that we have gone through a lot of trouble in setting up a wonderful system of plumbing. The benefits of this system define our society as a whole.

Be a Normal Person

When people have minor car accidents, they generally respond poorly--I don't mean they act upset (even though that is wrong too)--but they demand something in return for the inconvenience. In most cases both parties should just not worry about it--let alone call in a personal injury lawyer. However, a large amount of people out there see a car accident as a great way to extort money out of someone else.

There are plenty of accidents that cause serious injuries to several of the parties involved. In these situations hospital bills can mount up, along with the difficulty to pay them–usually as a direct result of the injury. In situations like these it makes perfect sense to hire an injury attorney to help to alleviate some of that monetary stress by finding money from the right place–the person who caused you harm. These dangerous accidents happen often throughout the country, anywhere from San Fransisco to Houston, and so on.

It should not be our goal to try and take as much money as possible from the people who did us wrong, in most cases we should just move on and not worry about it. But in those rare instances where real harm has been caused, and the injured party needs some kind of help, then a lawyer should be called in to make sure that right amount is being paid to their client.

What makes a Doctor a Doctor?

A plastic surgeon is a rare kind of doctor indeed. It takes someone special to spend the majority of their twenties in medical school, only to later decide that they don't really want to heal people anymore. They have taken all the knowledge they have learned about keeping people alive, cutting them open safely, and how to aid in recovery and decided that they don't like the pressure of having to keep people alive.

Plastic surgeons can still do some good though; what about burn victims, or other patients who need reconstructive surgery? A plastic surgeon could totally help you with that! If you have five thousand dollars or so. Great. Well maybe if you have burn scars but also need larger breasts you can get a better deal or something.

So if you just got out of medical school, and don't feel like going through all those years of training in a hospital and helping people, then maybe you should head out to Beverly Hills with the other surgeons. Plastic surgery is a part of our everyday life now, so just go get something done. Picking something at random and have it made bigger, tighter, or younger--just think of how much more confidence you will have once other people like to look at you.

You Want a Job Don't You?

I haven't spent a lot of time in my life looking for a plastic surgeon. I don't think I really want one, but I am probably wrong. People need to look beautiful--how else are they going to get jobs and make friends? The world we live in pretty much requires that everyone in it must be beautiful or be shunned. And, as a society, we are more than happy to do that.

What's more difficult: Paying to have larger breasts attached to you, or spending a few years gaining a personality? I don't even have to answer that. A plastic surgeon can give you all the personality you'll ever need in one afternoon while you're sleeping. "Oh, you read Catcher in the Rye and enjoyed the subtle nuances of a child wanting to protect the innocence of other children? Well I had my lips made into huge lips; your boyfriend is now my boyfriend."

Plastic surgery isn't for everyone, but if it's for you then Beverly Hills is the place to be. That way the people who see you won't think you're a monster--they'll recognize the botox and scars as things of beauty. Enjoy a life where everyone loves you for no other reason than your appearance. Don't let people with natural beauty take everything that you deserve.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Meta-Blog #1

There is a whiteboard next to me with possible topics relating to price guns. The board includes topics such as: making price guns real guns, musical instruments, being a king, the Declaration of Independence, and so on and so forth. With those ridiculous topics having already been exhausted, what more could there possibly be to say about the Monarch 1110 or the Garvey price gun?

I am officially breaking the fourth wall and telling the world that I am out of ideas. I gave you all some great stuff and helped the world find out about Monarch price guns and labels. What more do you want from me? I compared price guns to A People's History of the United States, and even made them sing for you. All and all I'd say that I've been handling these topics with a certain grace and elegance that is only matched by the price guns themselves.

After a few hundred posts, I should be allowed one to say something about these blogs from the past. So it will be: Every several hundred posts, or so, I will write one meta-blog for everyone out there who needs my blog to be a little more intellectual. So until the next one, please, remember all the effort that has been taken to open the world's eyes to the majesty of pricing guns.

David Dustin is The Man

The secret is out on David Dustin, and heroic blogs (such as this one) have begun shouting his praises from the roof tops. This post is just the tip of the iceberg--When Dave D is world famous six months from now, remember that you read it here first.

Price Gunner

When someone says, "Take pride in your work," what do they actually mean? If someone has a good job, then they will obviously take pride in their work without having to be told as much. Thus, what is really being said is this: “If you don't have the greatest job, it’s still better than nothing.” A job can appear to be pointless, but if it really was then you wouldn't be getting paid to do it.

There are always ways to be proud of your work, even if you are something like a lowly price gun clerk. Make the job more personal to you; maybe get your own price gun like the Monarch 1110. Keep that bad boy on your belt as you stroll into work every morning. Shoot out those monarch labels at a break-neck speed. Developing the skills (or in this case, skill) that your job requires is a great way to get noticed, and maybe get promoted to something better. Doesn't seem so pointless now does it? No way.

Take pride in your work. Labeling items may not seem as important as other jobs, but think about all the people you are helping. What if you label something that is now on sale? You just helped a poor family save a little extra money. You and that Garvey price gun are making all the difference to those people. Make your mark, even if it is just a little sticker that says “$1.99″

Star Wars, Architecturally Speaking

In the Star Wars universe there are two things that strike any viewer: there are a lot of lasers, and there is really great architecture. The combination of these two things is most likely what caused their different societies to advance as far as they have. One has to wonder what kinds of machines they use for creating buildings. After all, even their swords are made of lasers.

Just putting “laser” in front of any construction machine makes it sound like it’s from the future. “Oh, this old thing? It’s just my laser excavator. It helps me make a perfect hole and shoot down star ships—no big deal.” What a great combination of machines. Even something as boring and simple as grading can be made into a futuristic event with the laser grader. The future means lasers, and lasers mean that everything will work better and look cooler.

So go watch the Star Wars films one more time and see how many lasers you can spot in each movie. After that, count the places where there are no lasers and could be. Finally, make that machine in the real world and put the laser on it—this way you won’t get sued by the Lucas people. This is just one of many million dollar ideas to come from this blog.

Construction vs The Empire

For most of us, construction is just something we see on the side of the freeway--nothing too exciting about that. That is to say, in a world of the internet, touchscreens, and nuclear testing, things like excavation and grading don't seem like they are as advanced as the rest of the world. Luckily, that is all changing with a handful of new inventions hitting the construction market--I hope you're sitting down.

Ever heard of a little something called the laser excavator? Hopefully you have, because it's totally real. Construction companies are now using lasers to get work done faster, as well as protecting the world from Star Destroyers. The world is becoming more and more like a science fiction movie with each passing day. Doing something boring like making sure the ground around your home is level? Why not just use a laser grader, or some other kind of crazy robot to get the job done?

With all of these lasers, and laser machines helping us out with our work, it’s no wonder that everyone is in love with lasers. Not only are they cool for a million reasons, but they also help with everyday tasks. Just thinking about all the different uses that a laser could have is exciting: Cut food, shave pets, plants seeds, build a house, paint the moon–the list goes on forever. The future is now, as well as in the future.

Friday, July 16, 2010

"I Am the King of this Land"

There is a price gun out there in the world called The Monarch 1110 (there is also The Monarch 1131, but let's just focus on one at time). Why would someone attach the word "monarch" to something like a pricing gun? The answer is obviously to give the clerk using the machine a sense of power and purpose. What a great way to make an employee love their job.

Just imagine some clerk walking sadly into work at six AM, tired of a job that offers no real satisfaction to a creative human being. "What's this?" they ask as they come out of the break room and see the brand new Monarch and its labels. Understanding crosses the face of the clerk and their purpose in life is finally clear: "I control the prices in this store, thus, I am the King of this land that is the soup aisle."

They will walk around the store, happily pricing items that will benefit the consumers--or townspeople. The name "Monarch" will remind them of the power they have, and how this one little action effects so many different people every single day. Enjoy your fulfilling life, grocery clerk, and give us some great deals while you're at it.

Never Grow Up

The older you get, the more time you have wasted your life being bored at work. How can you save your sanity and your once youthful outlook? just have fun at work. That sounds pretty easy, but it is actually way easier than it sounds. Just find a way to do something fun or creative everyday.

Even the ultra-bored grocery store clerk can find an escape at work. Maybe they could grab their Monarch price gun, complete with a variety of colored Monarch Labels, and make rainbow stripes as they price row after row of cans. Not only would this give the employee something to do, it will look attractive to the consumer, as well as keep that price gun in steady use.

Maybe load a second price gun like the Garvey and use the different colors to make interesting binary-themed pictures while pricing things out. This is more than enough to help the day at work fly by. Start a huge picture that will take weeks to finish, that way you will look forward to work everyday knowing that you have an important project to finish.

Editor's Note: This post is only a little sarcastic, because it really would be awesome if some price gun handler out there made pictures in grocery stores.

Fake Guns that Are also Real Guns

Grocery stores have a hard time with security. Whether it is basic shoplifting or a robbery, these places need a better defense plan. The perfect idea would involve something dangerous that acts as a deterrent, but is also hidden enough that people might not know when to be on their guard.

Think about: there are already guns all over grocery stores. Price guns like the Monarch 1110 and the Garvey price gun, are in the hands of at least a few clerks at any given time. These harmless price guns need to be made into real guns--that's right. Now if someone strolls into a store and asks for all the money, the employees don't even have to reach for guns--they will already have a deadly price gun trained on the thief.

The best part is that no one will ever know if they are looking at a regular price gun, like the Monarch 1131, or at a new, terrifying price gun Beretta. Walking through a store and noticing all the employees who have potential guns in their hands would deter even the most bold would-be robbers. I give this idea to world freely; someone create this multi-use weapon and enjoy your millions of dollars.

The Exchange of Power

It has long been known that those who are in power make the rules, and the benefits of those rules and laws reflect the interests only of those who make them. In the same way that The Declaration of Independence Reflected wealthy landowners--while it completely ignored women, slaves, indentured servants, and those who did not own land because they were not there at its conception--grocery store prices reflect those who are in charge of the market as a whole.

It is time for a revolution in the grocery store. What will be the guns we use to get this war off the ground? Price guns of course. Let the Monarch 1110 be your revolutionary musket, and the Garvey price gun your standard issue revolver. Place new price labels on each can of food as if each tag is battle you have won, and the flag is raised into the air as it reads "$0.99."

Power lies in numbers. This applies to us as a mass of people in a hidden class, but also to the literal numbers that are on the price tags--as our numbers rise, prices will lower. Arm yourself like a grocery store clerk and Get your monarch 1131 ready for a battle that will change history.

The Old Man? Please.

Remember The Old Man and the Sea? In the story an old man sets out to prove how great he is by capturing a massive marlin. However, after he catches it sharks eat it on the way back to the beach--only the skeleton is left. What the Old Man didn't realize was that he should have just booked some fishing charters, and gone out with some other fisherman on spring break.

Being unprepared is not something you want to deal with when you're fishing on the open ocean. The Old Man should have at least downloaded some fishing reports before he set out. Fishing charters take care of that for you! But you know, I guess the Old Man just didn't want a lot of bulk in boat--more of a minimal approach. However, he should have realized that sometimes you need some of the other details to have a successful trip. More importantly, he should have learned that you don't need to be a solo man to have a great time.

Fishing tips are an old man's best friend, so instead of trying to battle the ocean all alone, hire a big boat and a tough captain to take you out to the best spots. All you have to do is bring a tough rod and your weathered muscles--show Mother Nature you can do whatever you want. Find a spot off Mexico or sunny Pensacola Florida to strike for the fish that prove you are still a man's man.

A Foundation? I Don't Know what that Is.

Los Angeles is known for having massive earthquakes. People say that one day, the state might just sink into the ocean–this shouldn’t be too big of a concern though, since that isn’t really how it works. However, what should be a big deal is what might happen to your home during one of these big quakes.

Most homes in that same area--such as Encino, and Glendale--are already built to withstand the shakes, but those of you out there with a home that is not so sturdy, earthquake retrofitting is a great way to stabilize yourself. House bolting is also a good way to make sure that your house stays up while the rest of your city is getting down. Construction companies have a large range of techniques for making sure a building will stand up to almost anything.

Make sure your family safe, and give yourself some piece of mind; reinforce your home for any kind of natural disaster that might strike. It is almost always in vain when it comes to fighting Mother Nature, but we have at least got to try. She loves nothing more than to smash people’s homes and burn down their cities, but we have ways of protecting ourselves from her. One day, with enough reinforcement, she will have no choice but to come out and fight us all face to face.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Find a Firm Foundation

Please tell me what’s going on with the Leaning Tower of Pisa? Maybe someone should drop a line to Italy and tell them that they have a serious foundation problem. Too many tourists come to see Pisa every year, so Italy probably has no actual desire to fix it. Well let that tower be a lesson to everyone: foundation problems do not fix themselves.

The Tower has been leaning and tilting more and more over the years, and one day it will fall over–no more pictures of tourists pretending to hold it up; what a sad day that will be. The same thing will happen to your house if you are not careful. Foundation repair should to take place right away if your home is to be saved. Concrete repair can be done with helical repair systems and house bolting–it is still possible to save a home even if a tilt or slide has already begun in just a few easy steps.

Cracks, shifts, and other problems can arise in any home if the foundation is faulty or aged. Be aware of these problems so that you aren’t stuck with a collapsing pile of rubble instead of a beautiful home. We don’t have leaning towers in any of our major cities; The buildings in a place like Los Angeles are perfectly straight. It’s because we are careful about the problems that can arise from our foundations.

Nice Try, Atlas

There was a time when people believed that it was Atlas who held up the Earth so it wouldn't roll around, but how good of a job was he really doing? The Earth is tilted! Think about your house; If the foundation of your house is off by only a few inches it can crack your walls, and eventually cause your house to fall over and crumble. Are you serious, Atlas–do you want the Earth fall over? Of course not.

Atlas should find himself a helical pier system–something that a construction company uses to level a house. That way he could lift the planet the way foundation repair companies lift up houses. If a residence gets lifted and leveled the cracks can realign and become completely sealed again. That is impressive--somebody go tell Atlas.

Having lived around Encino and Los Angeles for big chunk of my life, I have seen my share of houses that look like they are about to fall over and turn into dust. Even if you are only a little concerned about the foundation of your house, then you still need to get it checked out. Every seriously bad problem that can arise in your home starts in the foundation. Take care of your foundation and the rest of your house will be safer as well. Don’t let your house be like lazy Atlas the tilted Earth.

The Earth Says Hello

You know what's beautiful? The Earth and its children. By "Earth's children," I am obviously talking about beautiful gems and stones. As people who live on this planet, it is up to us to familiarize ourselves with our surroundings and appreciate their beauty. Get out there and find the rocks that have the most aesthetic value for you, as an individual.

Everyone already loves gold and diamonds--old news. have you ever seen fire opal or oregon sunstone? Neither have I, but they sound pretty impressive and they are probably exquisite. Not knowing what these stones look like really breaks my heart--I could just run an image search on them, but what if I want to see these things in a tangible way? It's time we hit the trails of this country and adopted some of the Earth's children.

The only way these opals and sunstones can be discovered in their natural form is to find them in nature. The store? No way--I don't want my first view of fire opal to be of its changed and shaped form. Gross. I just know that there is an oregon sunstone out there with my name on it, and one day I will find it. Somewhere out in the mountains, caves, forests, or wherever it is that stones grow out of the Earth, that is where I will find my own personal precious stone. I can't wait.

Party Bus

Yesterday I told everyone to live on a bus; this post is for those of you who started doing it. The next step is very important--it has to do with making your new home into something that reflects who you are inside. Don't forget that it's what's on the inside that counts--for you and your bus.

I have got two words for you, cowboy: Converted buses. This means that you can make your bus into anything you want. Anything! Like to surf? Of course you do, so convert your bus into a beach house, or surf shop. What about Thai food? Make that bus into a rolling restaurant--delicious! Get yourself a giant MCI coach or a Prevost bus and make it into anything you can think of. After all, if you are going to live in some kind of large converted bus then it might as well be something that defines you, as well as makes you look super cool.

It's about that time when you need to start looking for big RVs and buses, maybe you can even find a Prevost sale going on. If life is getting you down, maybe you need a change of pace. Living on a bus would be a pretty big change, but living on a converted bus would do more than just change your pace; it would change other things too. That’s right, other things too. I don't want to get into it, because it might ruin the surprise.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Abstract Expressionist Buses

I don’t know much, but I do know that buses are bigger than regular cars. They are everywhere, gliding like a gentle behemoth down the highway. It’s almost like birdwatching (but better)–looking for certain kinds of impressive buses as you drive to whatever your destination might be.

Perhaps one day you will be out there on the road and see the large, rare MCI Coach; a truly majestic machine, some say. That would definitely be a day to consider yourself a lucky person. I have personally seen a few converted buses in my time, and let me tell you firsthand: Those buses can be anything you want them to be. It’s just so great seeing a giant vehicle moving tons of people around in an efficient way.

For some, even a motorhome bus can be a sight for sore eyes. Large vehicles just impress some of us more than others. It’s like looking at an abstract expressionist painting and everyone just scoffs, but there is one person in the back of the room who is crying their eyes out and having their life changed. For some of us, buses can do this–we call ourselves “the lucky ones,” and there is always room for one more.

Bus Driver Man

School bus drivers definitely have it rough. Think about how awful it is to drive around with some kids in the back seat of your car; those kids can drive you crazy. Now pretend your car is huge, hard to drive, and every kid within ten blocks is in it. The world seriously owes a large debt to the school bus driver, and there is one great way we can all benefit.

The city should obviously start buying super fancy buses for schools and drivers. Big MCI Coaches, converted buses, and touring buses would make everything much better. The drivers would have a nicer vehicle to scoot around in, and the kids might calm down after being in such a comfy bus. People might even consider buying them for their family when they have a trip coming up.

So please, don’t let things like a Prevost sale–a fantastic line of buses–pass you by. Think of those sad drivers in need of fancy converted buses. Think of your kids, who needs comfier seats to sit on. But mostly, think of yourself and how great you’ll feel if you do something nice for someone else. March into City Hall and demand that the city take better care of its bus drivers.

I am Really Going to do This

I am looking for a new place to live, and I realized that I am just fed up with all my options. I want a change of pace and something original--something that really tells people what an individual I am the moment they set foot into my home. The obvious solution: to live on a bus and be the happiest young man on the planet.

Residing on a giant converted bus would be like making it to Heaven, and finding out that Heaven is really great. I don't mean some little motorhome bus either, but the really big MCI coaches. A full-sized bus is probably bigger than my apartment anyway, plus it would move anywhere I want. Think even further down the road: someday we might all live on buses. We could take trips together and each bring our own house! I am loving how awesome this sounds.

Let's all start looking for cheap buses online right now. I heard there was a good Prevost sale going on–that would make a sweet home for sure. I can’t wait to get my huge converted bus and make it reflect me as a person. Just loving, driving, and living in my new bus. How has no one thought of this before? I never realized I had such profound ideas. You’re welcome.

Get with the Times

This blogs needs some more predictions of the future. In fact, I am predicting right now that, in the very near future, this blog will have a post about a trend that is going to happen some time soon. Guess what? You're already reading it--you're welcome. So what is going to change? Here it is:

First off, are people still driving cars? You can do better than that. Things are always getting bigger and better–it’s called logic, my friends. Have you been seeing a lot of Hummers and SUVs out there on the road? You definitely have. If you want to outdo the big-car competition then you need to hop on the next trend of big vehicles: Buses. Giant converted buses will be the next wave of luxury vehicles. MCI coaches will replace sedans as being something classy to drive to the office. Just imagine the faces on all your co-workers when you roll up in that behemoth.

In five years–at most–every family in America will be driving Prevost and MCI coaches all over the place. Get a jump on it now before bus prices skyrocket. Nobody will ever suspect that their fancy Mustang will soon look ridiculous next to the mammoth buses filling up the freeways. My dream is to drive a big converted bus down the autobahn at a comfortable thirty miles per hour. Let’s show those European trend-setters who’s at the forefront of culture and intelligence now!

Historical Bummers

I just finished reading Howard Zihn's book, A People's History of the United States. I don't know if i have ever been so bummed in all my life. There is no reason to go into detail about the goings on in the book, but suffice it to say that my entire view of military history has been shattered. Even the American Civil War wasn't what I thought it was. Thanks a lot Howard Zihn--now I can't even celebrate Columbus Day without having a guilty conscience.

History books are important for a lot of reasons. However, the best way to read them is by reading a lot of different ones at once. The past can't be understood by one viewpoint, and it can't be fully understood even there are a hundred different viewpoints--just read as many as possible and hopefully you might figure out some truth. American history is something we can really try to get a grasp on because this is such a new country for most of us. We can focus our attention to a few hundred years of European settlers.

As far as history book reviews go, I would highly recommend anything by Zihn. His views on American history are told through the lenses of the poor and working classes. It's refreshing, to say the least, to read a book about history that isn't based on the views and opinions of whoever was in charge at the time.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Welcome to Atlanta

If there is one thing that the rest of the world knows about Atlanta, it's a place where the players play, and people party all night--sometimes everyday. This sounds like a lot of fun, but I bet that's pretty hard on their homes. Being an avid party-goer I am well aware of the dangers that come from partying like a player. Atlanta is just the beginning; parties are damaging homes all over the country.

The key to throwing a successful party is to not let your home stay destroyed. This will prevent you from having any other cool parties. What you need to find is a great home improvement service. I know what you're saying: "Guy, I don't need to get my home improved after a party." If your home isn't so destroyed that you need your roof repaired, and thus improved, then stop throwing parties; don't even set foot in Atlanta.

So feel free to get crazy. You can always find some window replacement company in the morning. Get out there and meet new people; when the workers are there fixing up your roof, invite them to the next party you have lined up. Maybe they will even give you a deal if the party is a great time. It's like the circle of life, only with partying and construction.

From Russia with Love and Cute Hats

Hey America, the Cold War is over (probably), and it's time to start reaping the benefits of Russian fashion. What is the one thing that the Ruskies have always had that we want? Hard liquor, haunting literature, or Ivan Drago? Nyet! All we want are some of those darling fur hats. Those beautiful and luxurious Russian ushanka winter hats have been the pride of the East for a long time, and now they can finally be yours! Ours!

What better time to start stockpiling on fur hats than in the middle of summer? Once winter comes around again think of all the suckers out there trying to find a cute Russian hat to wear. Too late! You already bought all of them. Whether they are to warm your own head, or to give as an original Christmas gift, your bulk of great hats will make you the Czar of the coming winter.

Look stylish and classy, as well as fuzzy and bulky, with these fantastic hats. Show the world that you accept other people and their culture, as long as they are cute and fun. What's the better way to show your love for Russian culture: analyzing some Dostoevsky or getting a furry hat? If "better" means "easier" then hopefully you went for the furry hat! Be the first on your block to look Russian without having to be a communist.

Business Leadership

If you didn't go to college but still want to be a rich businessperson, what help is out there for you? Well look no further than the experienced executive coach. Sure a college professor might have spent years working on their dissertation in business, and been published in their fields, but a corporate coach can tell you the secret to being successful--and in like one month, which is way faster than college. The choice is obvious.

You aren't struggling in business because you have bad ideas and no business sense--it's because you don't have the right leadership consultants! Force yourself into the already clogged pipes of the business world, and make your mark. Put all your trust into quick fixes that cost a lot--if they were bad services then they wouldn't be able to charge so much right? Of course not, because rich businesspeople never spend their money on things that are just for show.

So book you and your employees a a nice little corporate getaway where you can look forward to building up your team with some trust-falls and meditating. Your new executive coach will probably replace both your parents--that is how important they will become in your life. Be ready to have your life changed in the most amazing ways possible.

Getting Divorced? Probably.

One time I spent a few days in NJ (New Jersey to the layperson), and even though I was only there a short time, I feel that I absorbed a lot of information. For one thing it just seemed like the kind of place where everyone and their brother is getting a divorce--just something about the place, you know?

Maybe it has to do with movies always making fun of New Jersey; everyone just gets grumpy about it and then makes a call to the divorce lawyer. Sometimes people just need to start over. But this could also have a positive effect: NJ might be breeding the best divorce lawyers in the entire country! Not only are they dealing with a lot of divorces--possibly--but the people might also be the angriest divorcees around, allegedly.

Though this may all be speculation, you can see where I'm coming from right? Right. I'm saying that if you need a great divorce lawyer then you know where to look. I mean, try to work it out and everything, but be realistic too. Sometimes the smartest thing to do is just to cut and run. If that is the case then make sure you have a better lawyer than your spouse--take no prisoners.

Broken Business? Find Yourself a Broker

Not everyone is cut out for the business world. This is definitely a subject dear to my heart because I am not cut out for the business world--at all. Yet, there are handful of people from this group who believe that they can still start a successful business. The thing we need to realize is this: maybe we can get lucky enough to get the ball rolling on a business going, but at some point our lack of business savvy will send that company south.

How can we, as poor businessmen, capitalize on this accident? Say it with me please: “Sell my business.” Correct, if you somehow manage to get a somewhat successful company going, there are people out there who will buy it, allowing you to turn a decent profit. Since I have already established that this post is aimed at those who lack a certain corporate intellect, some outside help will need to be called in for this process.

Business brokers can be a lifesaver at a time like this. They can find out what your business is worth, and then market to all the right people. Don’t be afraid to not only get rid of your business, but to hire the right help to do it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

What's in a Fabric?

Riddle me this, Internet: why is it that only bikers get to wear leather? Last time I checked America was all about freedom, happiness, and tons of other awesome pursuits. So why is that leather can only be worn by specific groups and genres of people? The other day I found a sign that read Leather Biker Gear.” How unfair is that? Completely. I thought we were trying to get over discrimination in this country.

Leather can change people without even trying. For instance, take a guy in a band–he wears skinny jeans and fitted t-shirts, maybe even some plaid button-ups once in a while. However, if that same guy starts wearing a buffalo leather jacket he only has two musical options left: Metal or gutter punk. Even when guys in rock and roll bands wear leather jackets everyone knows it doesn’t belong--exception proves the rule.

I just wish I lived in a country where I could wear whatever fabric I please, and not be judged any differently for it. So what if I think leather jackets are cool, but I still want to be a lawyer? That should be encouraged. If I had to pick a lawyer to represent me, I would pick the rogue with the keen fashion sense in the leather jacket-–no second thought about it.

The Mystic Biker

The American biker is a creature that has been carefully studied--and misunderstood--by many fields of science over the years. Their habits, traditions, and rituals may seem strange to us, but that does not mean they are any less beautiful or exciting than any other naturally occurring event. They come out of hiding when the snows melt, donned in specific buffalo leather biker gear, and hit the road.

The rituals of the the biker are definitely strange. The idea of sitting on half a car that is ten times as loud as normal does not seem like the best way to attract any kind of positive attention. But so it goes, year after year--louder and louder. They grow out unkempt beards and let stains develop on those once pristine buffalo leather jackets. Don't worry, this is just the way of the biker–strange to us, but really, who are we to judge these mystical beasts?

The biker’s natural habitat is the open road, and ironically the more real natural habitats are destroyed, the more habitats are created for the biking community. Life truly is a beautiful circle in which all creatures have a place. They fly down the road like a violent flock of monster birds, just looking for another bar to roost at for the night. If you ever see any of these leather creatures out in the day time, be sure to snap a few pictures at one of our country’s most misunderstood oddities.

Biker Dreams

To all of my loyal readers out there: You thought I was out of things to say about buffalo leather jackets? guess again, easy readers. Those previous blogs were just warm-ups. Now I am ready to truly wax poetic on all the different kinds of leather jackets, and the men and women who so boldly wear them–no matter what non-bikers might say about them.

What goes on in the head of the average leather jacket wearing individual–specifically the biker? For one, he or she is probably thinking, “Dude, this leather jacket is keeping me crazy warm!” Too true, biker. But don’t forget, that jacket is also keeping you COOL. Is that still ironic? Doesn’t matter to a biker because they have everything they need--and that doesn't include the ins and outs of irony. The simple, leather pleasures in life are all that a biker needs to be happy and fulfilled.

The two most important aspects of being a biker are being really loud, and having the right kind of biker gear. If you have those two things, get ready to be accepted into any biker gang or bar around. It is the deep down dream of every American Citizen to be accepted into a community as tightly-knit as the average biker gang–now that we know how, all of our wildest dreams can finally come true.

Reconstructing Accidents

Of course accident reconstruction services are used all the time when finding out what really happened in car accidents. But wouldn't that be a useful service for all kinds of accidents--what really happened to that vase? Did that guy really wax the car? You had an accident in your bed? These questions and more could be answered if only some kind of reconstruction service existed for family life.

Car accidents are pretty bad news, but most of us have very few of those in our lifetimes--at least very few of the kind that require hiring a company to rebuild the accident. The more practical use of the service would seem to be for everyday life. Parents are constantly trying to get the truth out of their children after some kind of accident. We could even get these accident reconstruction companies to be extra referees at sporting events. Perhaps the US wouldn't have gotten some of their goals taken away during The World Cup if the right kind of service had been available.

Accidents are part of everyday life, so shouldn't some kind of accident service be a part of our lives as well? Definitely. The infinite use of this service would change life forever in the home of the common family. The truth would come out much easier and with better results than by just using the honor system. This is just what the common homes of Middle America need--change homes from Utah, all the way to North Carolina.

Buck up, Germany

With Germany coming in third behind Pain and Netherlands at the World Cup this year, the country needs to shift its attention to more pleasant matters. The citizens should bring everyone’s moods up by getting married as much as possible--yes by getting married. What’s more fun than a wedding? Probably nothing. If Germans started having weddings all the time, everyone in the country would be much happier as a result–forget all about the World Cup, four titles is more than enough.

The easiest way to spread happy wedding feelings across the country is by using pictures. find the best German wedding photographer out there and have them document all of the weddings. With all the pictures in one place everyone else should easily find them. Maybe the government could even create some big exhibition to show them all off! Hearts would be warmed across, not only Germany and Europe, but possibly the whole world.

Wedding photographs make everyone smile, so it’s time we harnessed that power to actually make a mass amount of people happy. Germany is a country that has been through many sad times, and has also caused a lot of sad times. Clearly, it is time to let the healing begin and create a happier Germany–one full of sunshine and wedding dreams.

Who Runs the World?

In practically every store in our country, everything has a barcode label for easy scanning and pricing. How many of us ever stop and wonder where those tags come from? None of us, because who even knows what those things are anyway? Those little RFID tags are made specially for each individual product that they represent--not by the company who makes the product. Of course any retail employee can print more labels off if they need to–but another company actually creates all of the little labels. weird.

Most of us don't even know how these barcodes work, let alone where they all come from. Seriously, a laser shoots out of a gun, shines a red light on the barcode, and then knows... everything? No way. Word on the street is that you even need a specialized barcode printer to make them. That’s strange considering that people have the craziest laser printers in their homes now.

The point of this blog is not to discuss the ins and outs of the RFID barcode market, but rather it is to point out how little we understand about everyday life. If you buy something in person, then you will have to deal with that little barcode and the machine that scans it. I’m not saying we should fear what we don’t understand, but I am saying that when the machines decide to take over this is the one that will know all of our secrets–in just one scan.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Tourist Real Estate

So there are exists a certain series of very popular books right now. I won’t say what the books are, but they have to do with dominating vampires and foolish teenagers. Trying to find any benefits that have come from these books is difficult, to say the least. However, when it comes to real estate the books have helped at least one or two areas of the country.

Sequim and Port Angeles are prominently featured in the books (and by prominently I mean mentioned) so much that they are now regular tourist spots for little girls without imaginations. This is tremendous news for real estate agents in the area, and for those who own real estate in the area. Selling property would be a great way to cash in on this fad--even owning something there is still be a great way to make money off of the tourists.

Don’t feel too bad about exploiting your real estate or the girls who love these books–they are just asking for it (maybe not the real estate). If there are any benefits that can be salvaged from the books it is this: make some money off of the fad please. That will at least teach the book lovers a lesson, as well make you some tangible currency. Win win. Kind of.

Smart Summer Camping

What are two great things that need to be put together? The answer to that is obviously summer camp and the study of the English language. Hiking and reading, horses and grammar, canoeing and verbs!? sounds like the greatest thing to ever happen to humankind. Yes, English summer camps are popping up all over the place, and the world couldn't be happier about it. Finally there is a way to be outside and get smarter at the same time.

ESL summer camps provide the tools necessary to master English as a second language. They have everything someone would need to, not only learn a second language, but to have fun at the same time. That is the key to these camps: having fun and learning at the same time. Though this is the goal of nearly every classroom, therein lies the problem: no one ever has fun inside of a classroom. It is isn't just fun being outside, it's also relaxing and natural. This creates the perfect environment for learning and study.

If you have ever thought about brushing up on your English but hate to study, then this is the place for you. Even if you speak English but love the outdoors, this is probably the place for you. Who doesn't love mixing studying with pleasure? Literally no one. Ever. So go camp, go learn English, and have the best time of your entire life.

Rich Veins

Does anyone out there know how gross getting varicose veins fixed used to be? It was horrid. They would basically pull out the old veins like worms out of the dirt; spaghetti being slurped off a plate; wiring being ripped of the wall. Disgusting. I have a hard time believing that anyone could ever want smooth legs so badly that they would still want them after hearing about the procedure. Oh, you want to literally pull out some of my necessary blood tubing just so that I'm not self-conscious in my shorts? Yeah, that sounds like a fair deal.

Spider veins don't really seem that big of a deal--especially when considering the methods that were used to remove them; just live with it. However, doctors like Chris Brennig have since started using much more humane methods for fixing veins. Now they just run a chemical through you that shuts down the offending veins. That still sounds a bit harsh, but it's definitely better than the alternative--unless the alternative is just keeping your varicose veins as they are.

Varicose veins aren't detrimental to your health or anything. Actually they show that, over the course of your lifetime, your veins have adjusted to fit your work ethic--they should be a badge of honor. Oh, I just remembered that working isn't a badge of honor, being rich enough to not have to work is--my mistake. Well if you want to look rich just call up some kind of vein treatment center and then hit the beach!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

My Computer Roommate

How are people like computers? We all need to get repaired from time to time. That and we both get viruses.

A common theme in science fiction storytelling is that, one day, people and machines will merge into one form. Not only is that really gross, but ridiculous. I saw The Matrix--that movie was crazy awesome, but nowhere near reality. People and computers don't need to be one entity, because they are already joined in a relationship as a duo.

When I need some virus removal performed on me I take a nap for three days. When my computer needs it I buy a new one. Plus my laptop takes naps all day when I'm not home anyway. So if a human takes a nap when they have a virus, does that mean my sleepy computer has one as well? No way. Computers and laptops fake sick all the time. Maybe my laptop just wants to get repaired and that's why it sleeps so much. Maybe the repair shop is like a day spa to computers. They don't need actual repairs, just a little attention.

Hey computer, you get enough attention so stop sleeping, breaking, and getting viruses all the time. We are pretty good friends at this point, so I feel that a little honesty in our relationship is par for the course. Ok, ok. I will take you in for some laptop repair spa days if you stop sleeping when you're supposed to be downloading music and movies. You have your role and I have mine, just like any other symbiotic relationship on the planet. Well, pretty close to any other relationship on the planet. At least a few.

I'm not businessman. That's it.

Being someone who is not involved in the business world is the proudest aspect of my life. I hear business conversations all the time and I couldn't be happier that it's so over my head. IT outsourcing? I have no idea what that is. Virtual CFO? That is probably a movie; a bad one. Business terms can be stressful, and they are just one of the reasons I choose to steer clear of the business world. That and I don't like wearing suits.

If I ever started a job and someone brought up bookkeeping to me, I would quit before their sentence was over. I wouldn't even have to think about it either, it would just be a natural response--it's called fight or flight, people. I am happy somewhere in the middle of society, but if I had to pick a side--meaning some kind of rich businessman or someone who lives in the woods--it would be the side where I didn't have to talk about taxes all the time. Or pay them.

Some people might call me crazy, but that is just how I know that they're crazy. Maybe they just think I'm one of the Lost Boys--Peter Pan's, not the vampires--because I never want to be a system admin. Once again, I don't even know what that is. Does "admin" stand for administrator? I'll tell you one thing: if by some series of events I do become some kind of boss-man, the first thing I'll do is get rid of unnecessary abbreviations. You are not tricking anyone into thinking you're more efficient by using less syllables.