Thursday, October 28, 2010

A Really Terrible Therapist

Here some reasons why a person should learn how to live with an alcoholic:

1. The most obvious reason is that someone has to help them, and you are definitely the closest.
2. They can't pay their share of the rent if they are incapacitated or dead.
3. If you are living with someone who has a debilitating disease, and they die, guess who is going to feel bad? It's you. You are going to feel bad.
4. Your life will be stressful if there is an alcoholic in your home.
5. Your life will be fulfilling if you save the life of your beloved roommate!

Sorry that I assumed the alcoholic is a roommate and not a spouse or family member, but I have roommates right now so it pertains to ME. If you guys want a post written specifically about your situation then you should write it up yourself. I am not trying to be mean, it is actually really fun. You think that I'm a better writer than you? Not a chance.

back to the point, living with an alcoholic would not be the best time. Not that I really know, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to weigh in on the subject. This is my blog, where people are FREE.

I Would Be a Terrible Therapist

There was once a girl I dated who had all the symptoms of an alcoholic. I don't mean that there were warning signs, but that the signs were actual alcoholism; she was drunk for a good amount of the time I knew her.

I didn't think it was a very big deal at the time, because we were like twenty years old. At that age, everyone who drinks behaves like an alcoholic. Since I had never alcohol I didn't really know what was normal anyway. She had just started drinking, and the only way people understand their limits is by finding them... every night for six months. At any age, the person who discovers alcohol has to treat it like a fourteen year-old who feels peer pressure from the entire world. However, starting to drink over a certain age gives the drunk a condescending attitude of "I am finally an adult!" I hope the irony is not lost on my readers.

If there was one good decision I made with that girl, it was to never let her get close. Like I know how to live with an alcoholic--she would have been a lot worse off in my care. Didn't you read this post? I wasn't even paying attention to the situation.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Fancy Ice

Do hotels still have ice machines? I guess I am glad that there are some modern conveniences that are afforded to people who stay in hotels and motels, but are ice machines really necessary? Maybe I just don't understand how important ice is to people.

The thing is that I don't actually find ice all that useful, but maybe that isn't why people are so interested. Perhaps ice represents how, as awesome humans, overcame nature and took control over the elements in a small way. I know that sounds strange but is that any more strange than people in hotels saying, "Um, hello? The water in my room is pretty cold, but it isn't ICE cold; what am I, a peasant? I need ice to always be within a few feet of me!"

Guess what your highness? It snows where I live, so you can live outside and have all the ice you could ever need. As it weird as it sounds I would prefer it if people wanted ice machines around to remind them that humans have overcome nature. It is much easier for me to imagine people sitting in their hotel rooms, hold hands, and whispering to each other softly: "We did it."

More on My Future Kitchen

I have talked a lot on this blog about getting the greatest kitchen in the world, but I have never before mentioned getting commercials refrigerators for the home--actually, I have mentioned it at least once before. What can I say? I just want to have an amazing kitchen.

I am big fan of both cooking and eating, so it is obvious that having a crazy kitchen is something that would benefit me. It isn't like everything needs to be custom or anything, but it would be nice if everything at least worked. When stuff works it is my absolute favorite. Commercial refrigerators would be awesome just because they can hold a ton of food; I don't have to have them to be fulfilled, but it would still make me happy if they were around.

The kitchen I use right now isn't so much a kitchen as it is a hallway. I am not complaining because it gets the job done, but it still a little cramped... and the stove is kind of a fire hazard. Other than a those, and a few other things, the kitchen is pretty capable of cooking anything that I need to cook--commercial refrigerators or not.

Dangerous Nerds

Here are some of the benefits for letting a document scanning program check your emails:

1. You probably won't be paying close enough attention to catch it.
2. Someone like my dad just can't resist the deals that appear in spam emails, so he needs a program to keep him from ever seeing it in the first place.
3. A person who makes a virus is the epitome of a person who has nothing else to do. Ever. This means that they have spent a lot of time thinking about how to trick you.
4. Using document scanning is a great way to develop technology in industries who attempt to prevent spam. What?
5. The last thing you want is to have a nerd crash your computer; it is the perfect balance of embarrassment and inconvenience. Don't be afraid to use all of the help that is available to you.

I don't know how many times I have heard that someone's computer was ruined just because they opened the wrong email. Seriously, just don't do that. It should be easy to tell when someone is sending you email that is tainted. There is a either a crazy voice, or a crazy product being sold. Basically, if it seems weird at all, it is something you don't want.

Wake Up, Nerds

I am always nervous that my computer is going to get destroyed by a virus sent to me via email. I feel decently confident in my ability to know which emails are safe and which are not, but I can't be right all the time. Also, my mail filters and document scanning systems are above my head, so I don't really know how much help they are.

Why can't people just not send out viruses? That sounds like the best solution. I know that the world owes you something, chubby teenage nerds, and obese adult goons, but that doesn't mean you should get your kicks by ruining computers and credit scores. I should know because the world owes me plenty of stuff. The problem is that your viruses aren't taking down the right people. Hating everyone doesn't make sense, nerds; just go after the people who have wronged you. I am, of course, talking about The Man and his immediate associates.

Rather than sneaking past my document scanning system and ruining my day by uploading one thousand gifs to my desktop (which would actually NOT ruin my day), design some virus that makes gas not pump for a week. Sounds like a challenge right? Do something.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Ice Machines

I want to start a new band called The Ice Machines. I don't know why I think that is such a good name, but it clearly is. In fact, just thinking about the name has given me a great idea for how this band could get their first notice.

The Ice Machines could go to different hotels all around the country and set up next to actual hotel ice machines--then just wait for people to come out and get some ice. When they turn the corner we could yell something like "Oh! Did you come out here hoping to find The Ice Machines!" BOOM. Song starts. Ice begins shooting out of the machine, and everyone in the hotel absolutely loves it. People go crazy, get their ice, and tell all their friends.

This post is making me realize that I don't need to be a person who is in bands, but rather a person who thinks up the best ideas in the world and then sells them for one million dollars--or just puts them on a blog for free. Either way the world is getting really great ideas and opinions, so... You're welcome, everyone. If someone out there really starts this band, let me know how it goes.

Work it Out

Here is a list comparing the P90x workout program with going to the gym:

1. It's nice to workout from home; there is more privacy.
2. P90X is more hip, so you can talk with more people about it.
3. People say it is a great all around workout.
4. It's like having a personal trainer without having to get yelled at in person.

The gym:
1. Your roommates won't walk in and see you dancing around if you go to the gym.
2. The gym has an awesome hot tub.
3. You can show off your goods to more people at the gym.
4. You can see more people showing off their goods.

This list isn't really to try and sway anyone to use or not use the P90X workout program, but rather it is just my thought-process and the best way for me to work it out. Sometimes I just need to visualize what is going on in my head if I am going to understand the real attributes of a topic.

Now that I heave this list it is clear to me that I don't want to do either of these things. See how helpful that was? Now my head is clear and my thoughts are concise once again.

Public Trainer

Let me be honest with you, readers. I like to be in shape--is that such a crime? I wouldn't consider myself any kind of serious exercise enthusiast, but I at least to keep myself from getting fat.

What that said, everyone has been talking about the P90X workout program. Is it really that great, or is it just another gimmick? The people I have talked to really seem to be into it, but I also remember when my sisters loved Tae-Bo. the P90X workout program might be something that I look into--after all, if it's a video collection that means it's online somewhere right? I'm just kidding--I haven't even looked yet.

I can't decide which is more embarrassing: working out at the gym in front of a bunch of random people, or working out at home where people I know might see me. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who aren't embarrassed by working out, and I am really, really happy for them. For the rest of us there is a little bit of shame at trying to better our physical appearances in such a public way. Maybe I don't know what I am talking about, I just know that I don't want people to look at me. What?

Young and Old

I am in my mid-twenties. If I had to pick the best part of being decently young it would have to be that I don't need to worry about 2011 medicare supplement insurance. In fact, not only do I not need to worry about it, I don't even have to know what it means. I'll be honest, I could figure out what it means just by looking at it, but I don't think that I'll be going to that much trouble.

As a young person, I am invoking my right to not worry about things that won't concern me until I am older. However, as a trade-off I will be concerned about promoting social change until I get to the age where I realize the futility and join The Man in his crusade against everything. When that happens I will start worrying about getting money for being old and sick.

The bright side is that 2011 medigap plans will never matter to me, because I will still be young during that year. Actually, by the time I am old enough to receive money for being old, the government probably won't have any left. This means that I will never have to worry about it! Looks like I've won this round, Earth.

Major Awards

My sisters were all stellar athletes when they were younger. I, in comparison, was not. The difference is noticeable in our sports trophies.They all have specific and pristine awards, whereas mine are all small and plastic with placards that say things like "You Wish" and "Nice Try, Idiot" (half joke).

Sports trophies play a big part in childhood development in that they are the first time a child realizes that people will try to placate them in ways that are obvious and demeaning. You think those kids don't know that they are getting a trophy just so they won't cry? It probably is better than nothing, but don't think that those kids believe that they really helped out the team--they were there the whole time; they know what they did.

I have a handful of random awards and plaques for things that I was terrible at. Am I supposed to keep them as if they are real awards, even though it is obvious to me and everyone who sees them that they are a total joke? Yes. Duh. They are my major awards! How else am I supposed to let people know that I am important? I want to move to a medium-sized place like Ohio, and just fill my home with these awards and order pizzas; the delivery guy is going to love all my stories.

Confidence, Cohen.

Let's face it; adult life can get a little boring, am I right? As kids things were all so much more exciting and fulfilling, and there is only one major difference that I can think of--seriously, only one. That difference is that kids get sports trophies for nothing.

Honestly, I was terrible at sports, and I have like fifteen trophies to show for it. It is safe to say that as a kid I felt great about myself, even though I really had no reason to. Kids in high school sometimes got plaques for doing something impressive--impressive for something in high school--and that seemed like a logical next step. So what are the adult versions of sports trophies? Well if you are wanting some awards for not really doing anything you are going to have to get involved in the corporate world--possibly in Ohio.

It makes sense, right? All competition seems like it starts arbitrarily during childhood, and the one place that is useful as an adult is in the corporate setting. Don't believe me? Search around the internet for "Corporate Awards" and see how many beautiful options come up. If your life is missing that small boost in confidence from walking away with a trophy awarded just for showing up, then look into corporate America for your fix.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Orwell Said it Best

My life right now is a lot different from my life a few months ago; I am definitely talking about where I live.

1. I lived alone, and it was everything I ever dreamed it could be.
2. My apartment had really nice kitchen cabinets--yeah I care about kitchen cabinets.
3. I had a kitten (not a cat).
4. I wasted all my money on rent.

1. I now live in a tiny house with four people--big change.
2. The kitchen is so dirty and crazy that I might as well consider it a custom kitchen.
3. We have two cats (sadly, not kittens).
4. I save massive amounts of money on rent that I used to waste on privacy.

I don't mind where I'm living now. In fact, it is fun change living with people and having friends to talk to inside my house (people visited sometimes in my studio apartment, but only sometimes). Utah can be a boring place, so it's good to have something to do aside from reading and studying. This is making my old life sound depressing, but I am really just saying all this in case my roommates read this post; I want them to feel appreciated. Past and present have pros and cons like anything else.

Strange Convenience

Remember how the one thing that hotels have to have are ice machines? Do people really care about those? I can't remember the last time I used ice for anything--I don't even like it in my drinks, let alone my vacations.

I have never been sitting around a hotel room and thought, "Man, this place had better have some ice machines--what do they think? That vacations and ice DON'T go together?" In fact, I am surprised that hotel rooms have anything in them that isn't a bed. If people want ice machines they can just check into the Ritz and enjoy their posh existence. Plus it snows for a decent chunk of the year here. Are people on vacation really running in from the snow and yelling, "Where are your ice machines!?" There might be people who do that, but I wouldn't worry about fulfilling their needs.

I wonder why that is a thing that got started. I'm not saying it's strange that ice machines exist in hotels, but rather that it's strange for that to be the one convenience that they all share in common. Are we assuming that people are all buying drinks and they all need ice? It's like selling a bunch of condiments instead of selling food.

Feed Me

When are people going to start getting commercial refrigerators in their homes? I can already sense the people out there getting grossed out by the fact that I want that much food in my house, but guess what? You're gross.

If someone made a flow chat that represented the amount of food in my fridge versus my happiness, they would immediately notice a steady rise in correlation with food. The important thing to note is that there is no drop off; my happiness will rise forever with the food. Now that you, the reader, are aware of this connection would you still want to deny me the privilege of owning several commercial refrigerators? I would hope not, but I can respect your freedoms.

This might seem like a greedy way to behave, but really the only things I care about in the world are food and kitchen-related appliances. Take away all other modern conveniences and I won't even notice. As long as there is balance I feel fine about wanting to be surrounded by foods all the time. The huge fridge does even have to have any ice machines. See what a generous guy I can be? Now please, let the stockpiling begin.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


When I was growing up my parents had a very intense home security system. We will never know if it deterred criminals or not, but it definitely went off every six months in the middle of the night and scared everyone in the house to death.

I probably haven't heard that home security alarm in about ten years, but I can still remember the exact tone, timbre, frequency, and repetitive tempo of that ridiculous alarm. Oh, did one of my sisters tough a window in her sleep? Yeah, we all deserve to have our ears bleed as a result of that. If one thief ever heard that alarm go off, I'm sure that word of mouth would have kept other thieves from ever coming near our home.

I like the idea of using fear to keep people away from things. Little children are afraid to touch a hot stove, and lower-class adults and teens are scared of loud beeping sounds. We lived in a decently high-crime area so it made sense to have such a drastic alarm. In fact, every high-crime region should just build houses with systems included; I'm looking you, New Jersey. Let's try a little harder to scare criminals to death.

Money = Problems

My dad has not given me a lot of advice in my life, but the few times he has sat me down and delivered a message it has really stuck with me. The two that I can think of right now both have to do with money.

The first is: Always have cash when you are on a date. My dad probably didn't realize that I was only going to go on like twelve dates in my entire life, and I'm sure pretty sure that he thought I was a homosexual for about two years. I don't why he was even giving me dating advice.

The second piece of advice is this: Never be a private lending station for your friends. I know that it seems rude to never lend money to friends, but my dad had great reasoning for it, and I have seen it happen just the way he said it would.

I am all for private lending for friends, actually, but I am just careful about it. The problem my dad had with lending money to friends is that it can too easily ruin the friendship--and since I didn't have a lot of friends I can see why he was giving me advice on this. His main point was that if you loan someone money and wait a long time for the repayment, you will start to resent that friend--especially if you ever see them doing anything that costs money: eating out, buying clothes, etc. But inevitably those things are going to happen because that is normal behavior.

Thanks for the advice, pop. Private lending will remain something that I am weary of.

The Greatest Site I have ever Written About

I recently saw this phrase on the internet: olde bulldog. What does that mean? Is that like a colonial bulldog? I am not really an animal person, so maybe I have been misinterpreting how dog years work. Instead of a seven to one ratio maybe it's more like fifty to one, and then it's easy for your olde bulldog to to seem like it came from colonial times once it reaches two hundred years old.

All joking aside, please click the links that are in this blog; it will make your day incredible. Just let the front page of this olde bulldog site open and blow your mind. I don't even want to get into what happens, because I want you, the reader, to analyze all the incredible details that exist on this site. Please, do me this one favor and follow these links.

There is nothing I could say that would prepare anyone for the classic and patriotic, yet futuristic setting that these olde bulldogs are placed in. It makes absolutely zero sense, but at the same time you will find it strangely comforting and appropriate; it is as if the veil has been lifted for the first time since our place of origin has been forgotten. This website is home.

Also, it originates from Texas, which makes this whole thing a lot funnier.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Like Columbus Day

Don't forget that Christmas is still a religious holiday, so when it comes around don't be afraid to buy those you love religious business cards. Even if the person you are giving the card to isn't religious, don't worry about offending them. Chances are they celebrate Christmas anyway, so they should have to endure all the things that accompany it.

Religious Christmas cards are still all over the place anyway, so people who aren't religious know the deal. If someone gets mad at you for giving them a Christian themed card, just say "Oh, I'm sorry; I didn't realize that never spent American currency either, you hypocrite." Then take back your fruitcake and cross them off the list of people to send cards to next year.

Pretty much every holiday we celebrate has a strange stigma with it in some way, so we can all either deal with it, or stop celebrating it. I, for one, would like to stop celebrating a few, but since that isn't really an option I kind of just have to deal with it and bring up why it's a weird holiday as often as possible. As you can all see, I am not great at solving problems.

Business Birthdays!

It is a total drag having to buy birthday cards for all the people in your family every year. Well don't worry because there is a new solution out there: bulk birthday cards. BOOM. Now you can give everyone in your family the same exact birthday card, and you can even give them the same one every year!

Having a similar problem at your place of business? Well just buy some corporate birthday cards while you're at it. POW. We all know that to survive in the corporate world one must pretend that the job is their entire life. This means treating all of your coworkers as if you love them because they are family, and not because they control your fate.

I know that when I step into the office I want everyone I pass to talk me as if they are a best friend who really cares about how I am doing. That way my bosses can also use guilt to get me to do things I don't want to do. I might even believe that they are actually sad when they decide to fire me, and that way I won't cause a scene. Nothing beats all of the underlying modes of a corporate birthday party!


I have always felt that used cars are the way to go. Buying a car that is a few years old makes a world of difference. In fact, buying a new car is hardly anything more than a status symbol. Cars are designed to do only one thing, so why should we be concerned with buying new ones all the time?

Luckily there are used car dealers all over the place. However, I don't really trust those places. The way to go, for me, would be to find an individual car online and buy it from someone who is similar to myself. That isn't to say they really need to be just like me, but rather a person instead of some kind of big business. I'm sure that buying a new Ford and driving it away from the dealership is something that a lot of people take great joy in, but that isn't for everyone.

A lot of people my age are buying their first new car, and feeling like real adults. That is not something I associate with my maturity or success, but I can see why someone would assume it has something do with theirs. Maybe I should just move out to Greenville with the rest of the hippies, right?

I'm a Modern Girl

I have never had a manicure or a pedicure. I just don't see the need for one or the other. If having less than perfect nails is something that would drive away a potential friend, lover, or coworker I would never worry about it, because that is clearly someone that I wouldn't want to associate with anyway.

The day spa is a place that I do not feel drawn to. A lot of my family members are fans, and that is fine, it just isn't for me. I would really prefer it if people didn't always expect others to be extremely neat, tidy, or tied down with cultural ideas that don't really help any of us progress in a tangible way. Having clean nails is somehow more important than being up to date on current events or being well read. There is no reason they should thought of as mutually exclusive.

Maybe I am just being too picky about everything. I used to live near San Diego, and a lot of people down there were vapid and without original ideas about anything. They made up for it by being "beautiful" in a way, and everyone seemed fine with that. The problem with beauty replacing intelligence is that it really is a much easier road to take, so I fear that it only becomes more and more common as time moves forward.

I'm Gross, Okay?

As a boy who grew up with three older sisters, all of which are pretty fancy girls, I am surprised that I didn't come out more effeminate that I did. I mean, I am decently feminine in a lot of ways, but I could have been much more affected.

I absorbed a lot of my sister's qualities--too many to get into--but all of the traits they wish I had are the ones that I didn't take to. Most of the time I talk like a speedy valley girl, which I am arguably am, but I have never dressed or looked like one. My sisters all wish that I dressed better and took better care of myself. I know this because they tell me all the time.

There are no trips to the day spa in my future, and it breaks my sisters' hearts. We used to all live near San Diego, and pretty much everyone in our area was obsessed with getting the perfect massage or manicure. I am not really worried about my appearance, which sounds great on paper, as if I am above it or something, but unfortunately nobody likes looking at people who aren't prim and proper. I guess we will see what happens with the rest of my life; maybe my sisters are right.

Get Poor

It is pretty much a fact that I will never become a rich man. How do I know this? Because I cannot imagine my hand reaching for a phone to dial a limousine service. Even in my wildest dreams, surrounded by people with jetpacks and cats that have Audrey Hepburn's head, I would still feel out of place in a limousine.

Some people are just not cut out for a life of cute luxuries, and I wouldn't want to ruin it for everyone else by trying to involve myself. I will steer clear of upper-class events and Washington DC okay? Is that enough? However, in return I would like it if the upper class stopped widening the gap that exists between the classes. I know that is your ultimate goal, but I could easily ruin a posh event if I showed up, so please really consider this offer.

I am normal-looking enough to sneak into any event thrown, but I am also on-the-fringe enough to burn it all down in a heartbeat. You don't want me eating your caviar, sailing your yacht, or cutting in front of you at the limousine service right? Right. So watch yourselves, upper crust; the poor are bored enough to revolt.

Still no GIFs Posted

I took a few photoshop and html classes in college (yeah for no reason), and if there is one thing they have in common it's that they have nothing in common. However, creating a website in photoshop is becoming more and more common.

Going from photoshop to html is something that never seemed likely, but apparently there is a way to easily format the two together and create websites with entirely new techniques. Pretty exciting stuff right? You don't have to answer--it is. That is why I took two classes about it in college and then graduated in something completely unrelated.

This really is supposed to be big news for the internet, as a whole, but let's get real. Technology, especially computers and the internet, go through a dramatic change about every fifteen minutes, so forgive me if I don't lose my mind with excitement over something like formatting for the design of new websites. I mean, I will go to the new websites okay? But that is as far as I am willing to act or care. Also, as previously mentioned, I will only go to that site if there are animated GIFs (of kittens) and glitter graphics (of Bratz quotes). There you go, internet, you now have my exact criteria for a great site--do your worst.

I Should Have Posted a GIF

I recently heard that creating a website in photoshop is becoming more and more popular than using html coding. My expertise in photoshop is restricted to animated GIFs and glitter graphics, so I am having a hard time thinking of a great website that could actually be created with photoshop (ed. note: A website of nothing but animated Gifs and glitter graphics would easily be the best website on the internet).

Let's be honest with ourselves: I don't really know anything about the internet or what makes it work, so this post would be better written by someone with a little more expertise. As far as I am concerned the internet is entirely made up of magic. I am only intelligent when it comes to things that can be interpreted in a million different ways--where concrete answers aren't necessary (the best loophole right?).

It's only the third paragraph and I am already completely off topic. Should I try to get back into something how photo shop websites are changing the face of all web design? It's too late now; we have forked off the road in a way that cannot be undone. Stay tuned and I will try to write this post over with a little more hustle and flow.

Friday, October 15, 2010

All Your Cultures Are Belong To Us

I am normally not to into the idea of alternative medicines. However, I have a great desire in myself to try out acupuncture for some reason. I don't care to eat things that claim to be organic, but for some reason the idea of someone sticking needles in my body sounds decent.

Maybe the idea is that I just don't trust any kind of alternative medicine invented in the last fifty years.. by white people. If something has been around for centuries and centuries I am more inclined to believe that it is actually doing something. Acupuncture is not the lemon cleanse or the ear candle--which are both absolutely and obviously ridiculous--even though it seems ten times as crazy as either of those practices.

I used to live near Los Angeles, and acupuncture was huge there. That is actually kind of a turn off. If a rich person or someone from Hollywood "swears by" anything it is clearly a fad. However, people in Los Angeles are into stealing the cultures of other peoples, so hopefully that is the case with acupuncture.

It is just so hard to know what is beneficial and healthy, as opposed to things that do nothing, using only racism and stereotypes alone. Oh well, this is the world we live in; go with it.

We Won't Fall From One to Two

I have recently spent some time working out with a personal trainer, it is a decent way to lose weight and promote weight loss therapy. Not that I really need to lose weight, but being skinny definitely does not equal being healthy.

I used to live near a place that I think was called Oxon Hill, and there were a decent amount of obese people in my area. I'm not saying that everyone needs to lose weight, but if they ever want to get married they had better start thinking about a little weight loss therapy. I am just being sarcastic; people should only lose weight if they want to. It's true that our culture has huge (hehe) stigmas on being overweight, but on an individual level we have the ability to fight those ideologies.

Maybe this is easy for me to talk about because I am thin, and thus society loves me. I am also male, white, straight, and Christian. How easy could one person have it? It's like we are living in feudal times and I was born into the royal bloodline. I might as well enjoy it now, because this can't last forever, and to be honest I can't wait for that; it's too much much pressure ruling the world.


I can't wait to grow old and wise, only to decide that those things aren't important and invest in some cosmetic surgery. What could be a better feeling than getting old and UGLY, only to be made into something that is relatively young-looking?

Don't worry about the fact that cosmetic surgery doesn't actually make people look young, but it does do something just a beneficial. We have all seen so many cosmetic surgery disasters that we now know exactly what they look like and mean. Instead of thinking that someone looks young we think, "Hey, that person doesn't like looking old," and that is just as good right? Hopefully, because that is exactly what everyone thinks. No one has ever gotten any kind of plastic surgery and been confused for a college student out on the prowl.

Speaking of old college people out on the prowl, I live near some cougars, and I wonder what their take on this type of surgery is. Actually, I do not want to get into that right now--I am running out of space. Whenever my posts near the end I always have to cut myself from talking about some other, unrelated topic. Like the cougar population in Northborough, because that is where I was going next.

Haha. 350.

So here is something to consider: what exactly are sunrooms? I often (not often) hear people talk about them, but the must be more to it than what is implied. Are you people talking about a room that the sun shines into? Yeah, we all have those. Most windows are pretty good about letting in the sunshine.

Maybe the person who invented sunrooms was actually just a big sweetheart. Perhaps they thought, "I wish there was a way to invent something that I could gift to everyone instantly. I've got it! I will just say that rooms that have windows are called 'sunrooms.' Boom! I am such a sweetheart!" This has to be the answer, because if someone tries to tell me that rooms need a certain amount of windows to be a sunroom I am going to go crazy.

People can't just change something without really changing it and then charge someone to build it. "Oh, you want an extra closet in here? Well that would actually turn this into a caveroom, and that is going to cost you a little extra. Such is life." I would like to think contractors wouldn't be so rudely poetic, but I think at this point it is pretty clear that they ARE.

Ed Note: This blog was not written in Milford MA.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Oh Hey, Debt

Here is a little known fact about me: I would rather be in jail or debt than go to a bail bondsman for help. Do you know why? because I would rather be in jail than be in debt with two broken legs. I am not saying that all bail bondsman are corrupt and violent, but they have at least set up their business to make money.

When someone loans out money, how do they make a profit? Let's think about this for just a few seconds. If you loaned someone money with a high interest rate, would you make more money if they paid you on time, or if they continually paid you late, and thus their fees would continue for much longer? If you make more money from people who can't afford to pay on time, would you set up your system to make it so it was much harder for anyone to pay on time?

The bail bondsman is just one example, but if you are in debt the system is set up to keep you in debt because that way you pay out more to the people owed. I know that seems ridiculously unfair, and it is, but not to the people who are collecting your debts. Just declare bankruptcy and hide out in Wilmington.


A month or two I had a serious plumbing emergency. I know what you guys are wondering: "Is this guy talking about the pipes in his bathroom, or he is talking about his personal gut pipes?" Well, as you may or may not know, I love a good mystery, so do your best to figure out which one I am talking about throughout this post.

So about a month I had to drink a bottle of some kind of stomach poison to help me go to the bathroom (there, you figured it out). If you really thought that I was going to use the phrase "bathroom emergency" to describe my shower being cold, or my toilet running longer than normal you are crazy. When you hear someone say "bathroom emergency!" (yes you can only yell it) then you know exactly what they are talking about.

My bathroom emergency is not something that needs to be delved into with very much detail. Suffice it say that I had to drink that poison, and then for about an hour they could hear my emergency as far away as Baltimore. See? Does anybody out there want any more details than that? Go write your own blogs and stop feeding off me!

The Best Waitress

A few weeks ago I went to a sushi bar by myself, and I had the best waitress ever. I should start this off by saying that most waitresses in the sushi bar (in every sushi bar, as far as I'm concerned) are all self-proclaimed babes who expect to get tips for being chatty and cute. That is fine lady, just not for me.

This waitress I had pretty much left me alone unless I clearly needed something. She never really said anything to me other than common courtesies. I left her a big tip to let her know that she did the right thing by leaving me alone.

It is an insult to both men and women to assume that I am go to pay someone for flirting with me. The waitresses shouldn't expect to get extra money just for being cute, and customers (read: men) shouldn't feel the pressure of leaving a bigger tip based on how many times the waitress touched their shoulder.

In the coming months I might move to Seattle or somewhere near there. All I can hope for is that the city is full of waitresses who didn't get the job based on their love of the merit versus action system. Two shoulder touches deserves a 50% tip. Yeah right.

More Flower Friends

Guess what? I now have two friends involved with the flower delivery industry. We will call them Randy and Ronny for the sake of anonymity. However, Ronny probably won't be in as many stories as Randy because he just isn't in as many strange situations.

Except! Recently Ronny was embarking on a little flower delivery when he met an old couple who invited him in to show him all of their bowling trophies and memorabilia. The old man was on oxygen but he apparently still had a crushing hand shake. Who knew that delivering flowers could give us all so much hope about getting old and not losing our strength and energy? Not that I am going to depend on bowling to keep me in shape for the rest of my life.

My two friends are very dependable delivery boys, and they would go anywhere from Salt Lake City to Yakima. They know that people need joy in their lives, and they know that it is up to them. It is a lot of responsibility, but they handle it with a grace and endurance that most people wouldn't expect. Some people (like me) would think, "These are just flowers; what's the big deal?" But Randy and Ronny know better.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Something I Actually Want to Talk About

Who else loves the movie Fargo? You should love it because it's practically perfect, and if you haven't seen it just let me know and you can come by and see it anytime. That movie has been analyzed and lauded enough for its intellectual, humorous, and cinematic prowess, so I would rather talk about another awesome aspect.

I cannot believe how much personal injury takes place in that movie. Of course that is a great way to teach people that crime doesn't pay whether you are the mastermind, the false mastermind, the muscle, the mouth, or the last man standing. In that movie crime falls apart from the inside out, as well as being pursued by moderately decent police officers.

Personal injury, death, and incarceration pick off the villains one by one until no one remains--even most of the victims are gone. No crime is victimless in that movie. However, all of the beautiful imagery, humor, and intellectual plot hidden in unintelligent dialogue, makes for one of the most brilliant films ever made--Sorry that I left out all of those details in this post, but there is just too much to cover in such a small amount of space. Go watch Fargo, people.

Something Not Cat Related

I wrote once about how much I would like to move to San Francisco with my friends and start a painting company. That might sound strange to the people who are not familiar with the original post (this is where the average blogger would link you, the reader, to their older post, but I am not about to go through all that extra work), but you can keep up without it (see? You don't even need it); the concept is not too difficult.

My reasoning was simple: I wanted to be outside and still be creating something beautiful. Having a painting company would afford me the ability to do both of those things while still getting paid. San Francisco came into the equation just because a lot of my friends already live there. Is it all making sense now? It should because it really simple yet awesome idea, and as my loyal readers you should all be supporting me in this venture.

If any of you can think of jobs that would afford similar benefits please let me know about them. You can reach me right here, on this blog. I check it pretty much everyday, and am usually pretty quick to get back to people and let them know that I love them.

Too Many Cat Posts?

Lately I have been talking a lot about my cats, and referring to the fact that they could use a little pest control, as it were. Well for all those who have been following this story with bated breath, there is news of about the cats! One of them is leaving at the end of the month with a previous owner, and we may have found a girl who wants to take the other one!

I know, I know--there is joy all around now. Plus there is no need to call pest control and cause a scene. I hope the girl who might take the cat moves to New York City with it, and we all never cross paths again. My roommates are worried that she will find out it's a bad cat, but all I can think is: "All cats are annoying, and so people who haven't noticed are never going to notice." There are no cats who are or aren't obnoxious, there are only people who pay attention and people who don't."

These cats could be in their last days with us, and I am so excited that I can barely move. I hope this blog isn't jinxing it all.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Obnoxious Cats

My house has two cats and I hate them both--is this something that a pest control company can take care of? I mean, it's their fault for using the term "pest," which is pretty broad in the first place. Does that mean they will take away obnoxious children as well? Their name implies that they will.

Pest control really needs to come by and get those cats though. I wasn't kidding when I said that I hated them. I don't even care what happens to them. They could be sent to a loving family in Des Moines, or they could left in the snow to die--either way works for me. Who likes cats anyway? They are easily the most selfish animals that we keep as pets. They only want food, sleep, and to be left alone. Cats are lucky that they are so cute as kittens, because otherwise we wouldn't put up with any of that crap.

Our landlords said that we have to get rid of the cats; I feel like dancing for 100 years. The bad news is that no one else in the house really wants to do anything about it, so they are still just hanging around like little fuzzy mooches. Buh.

New Jeans

You know who loves going to Chevrolet dealership? My brother-in-law. We are pretty close, and he is a cool dude, but there is one thing he loves to do that I consider torture. He likes to go to the Chevrolet dealership, test drive cars, and haggle with the salespeople. Seriously, he does that for fun; I cannot imagine a more stressful situation than that.

When I walk into a store at the mall and someone greets me at the door there is a fifty-fifty chance that I will leave right then. Note: this blog can get pretty sarcastic, but this is not one of those times. The other week I was trying to buy pants, and there was no one at the checkout. realizing that I would have to go find someone and ask them to help me, I opted to set the pants on the counter and leave. The funniest part of that story is that I still need new pants.

Which reminds me: does anyone want to go to the mall today? I know I do! Welcome back, sarcasm. I wish there was a way to get pants that fit without having to A) go into a store and B) try them on. Isn't this the future? Can't we figure out a better system? I just want to stay home and watch Chicago while my pants get shipped. (Ed. Note: I have never seen Chicago, and don't plan on it any time soon.)

A Concise Life

"What is the most important aspect of my car?" you might ask yourself. Well, all of us would have different answers, but since this is my blog guess whose opinion we are going to hear? If my car didn't have the ability to play music I would just walk or ride my bike everywhere--and in the winter I would just never ever leave my house.

Seriously, there is nowhere I have to be. I could talk my job into letting me work from home (eh?), and everything else is close enough that I could walk or bus to it. Plus I can be charming enough to get rides from suckers--not anyone reading this, other suckers. The point is that if my car no longer played music, and I didn't have the money for that kind of auto repair, I would just sell it. I would sell it forever. Auto repair had better be cheap when this problem arises.

I am trying to think of all the places that I go. I can only think of like three. Why do I even have a car? My favorite places to eat are either two blocks away or in my house, and all my books are already home. I live in a town smaller than Boise, so maybe that makes it easier, but I would like to think that I have just made my life concise and efficient.

My Buddies: A New Perspective

There is a group of kids that I know who take trips all the time. I am not saying they are rich kids without any real responsibility, but I am also not saying the opposite of that either. There is a rumor going around that their next vacation destination is going to be the brutal sounding town of Kill Devil Hills.

Since I know the locations of a lot of their former trips, Kill Devil Hills seems like just the place that these kids would love to stay. It has pristine beaches and killer vacation rentals, so what else could any mid-twenties party animal need? I am using the term "party animal" in a pretty loose way. These kids don't party in the real sense of the word, but I don't do anything at all, so whenever someone goes on a trip or to a movie I am always like "Whoooaaaa, say hi to the rest of the party animals for me." Aren't you guys glad I explained that?

Needless to say, those kids are relative party animals, and I am a relative corpse. However, after a deadly trip to Kill Devil Hills I will seem a thousand times more alive than those party people.

My Buddies

Some of my friends are planning a trip for the coming spring. I am tempted to suggest Kill Devil Hills just to see how they all react. I'm sure some of them will be into the idea, but for those who have never heard of the town, they will probably think that I am kidding or being a jerk.

I will have to explain that Kill Devil Hills is a real place with real vacation rentals. The real test will be seeing if they ever start believing me; the more I talk about how it real a town with that name is, the more sarcastic it is likely to sound. The good people of Kill Devil Hills set us all up for that one: "Hey, what would be a good way to promote our town? I got it! We can give it such a crazy name that people debate its existence, and then have to come visit to settle their bets." Good call, fictional mayor.

The truth is that I will not suggest this place as a location for my friends' trip, because the people I am talking about are not really even my friends. What? Like you guys never pretend you hang out with the popular kids.

The War in Heaven

Did you guys know that in Kill Devil Hills people can ride toboggans down big sandy hills? That is crazy. But by "crazy" I mean seriously awesome. Do you remember what the worst parts of riding toboggans in the normal conditions are? The answer is this: The normal conditions are ice and cold ice.

Riding a sled down the sandy hills of Kill Devil Hills is probably what killed the devil in the first place. People having the best time ever is most likely what the devil hates the most. If clapping bring fairies back to life, then laughter and joy-squeals probably kills demons. Wait... I am figuring something out. If sliding down those hills is what makes people happy, and that happiness killed the devil, then that is why the town is called Kill Devil Hills! BOOM. Some people might think that answer is a stretch, but if you think that then you weren't playing close enough attention. Did you see that trail of logic? It's called math, people.

The point to this post is to let people know that sliding down sandy hills is awesome--so awesome that it probably kills the devil every time you do it. Sliding down sandy hills is probably how the war in heaven was won in the first place.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Wake up, Martins

Dear Andy Martin, I have a great idea for your future as a dentist. The first thing you will need to do after school is move to Philadelphia and open up shop. This is the key: start up an ad campaign having something to do with Rocky Balboa and people getting their teeth knocked out.

People in Philadelphia love Rocky, so having a poster of some dude with messed up teeth because Rocky punched him in the face would definitely get the public's attention. The sign could read, "We can't help but get our teeth knocked out by Rocky! Let Dr Martin fix you up so you look like a champ again!" BOOM. You're welcome.

People are suckers for movies they like, and I should know. If I saw a poster of Scott Pilgrim drinking poison as a sports drink, I would not only drink poison, but I would even find a real sport to take part in--which is way more out there for me, than drinking poison. With said, you should trust me on this Rocky meets the Dentist ad campaign. Actually, having an ad where Rocky goes to the dentist would probably be a better idea than having him punch people in the mouth all day. Either way, I guess.

Sorry About the Voice

Do you need new roofing, Oakland? Yeah I'm talking to you, entire city. I have some friends who live up there and they were recently telling me about their homes and how sub par they seemed to be. The first thing that I thought of was the roofing, because having a bad roof is the quickest way to be annoyed by your house.

So are you listening or what, Oakland? You need to start treating your peoples better if you want them to treat you, as a city, better. I mean, you can't expect your citizens to love on you if you are letting rain drops fall onto their sleeping foreheads. I heard it leaks so much in Oakland that people on the first floor of a twenty story building can feel the rain. OH!

I'm just messing with you, Oakland; you are a cool city and a lot of people know it. All I am saying is that you need to keep up with the needs of you people. I know that people can be a little too needy sometimes, but you just have to take the good with the bad okay? Suck it up and get some proper roofing all over that city like now.

Dentist the Menace

I have better things to do than go to the dentist. Some people just automatically assumed that I am gross now, but guess what? No way. I take better care of my teeth than anyone else I know, so I don't need the dentist to clean something that I have already cleaned, or tell me that something is wrong my with mouth when I don't feel anything wrong.

Does the dentist really think they are going to trick me into thinking that they know my mouth better than me? Good luck, my main man/woman. I used to live near San Jose, and it was a pretty rough area. I learned to think on my toes and move with my head on a swivel. If I can survive those those streets, I can survive without the aid of a dentist; just watch me.

Every morning and night I take care of my mouth-dudes, and that is all that I need. They are healthy and we both appreciate each other. They stay strong, and I don't eat a lot of sugar; it is a symbiotic relationship of the most beneficial kind. Having bad teeth would make it look like I do meth, and I don't. Having really nice teeth affords me the ability to dress and look messy without looking too gross. Nice teeth go a long way, and without them I would have to wear a stupid suit all the time. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. See ya.

True Story

Once I backed out my little parking stall and tapped someone's parked car--this was about six years ago when I lived in an apartment complex. A guy ran up to my car and told me to get out; I got and saw him looking super worried about his car.

There was literally no damage, but he kept pointing to spots that he said were marks that I made. After pointing out the fact that my car was not the right height to make any of those marks, he asked me for $100. Really Cool. I thought he was a second away from calling a personal injury attorney and trying to sue me. I told the dude I didn't have that kind of money; he then asked me for $80. I looked at him like he was crazy--which he was. He continued to ask me for money and lowering the amount in $20 increments until it was down to zero. Then he seriously just walked away; I bet that wasn't even his car.

I wish he had called a personal injury attorney up so we could both have laughed at that guy. Hopefully he went back to Dallas, or wherever it was that he was from. People are way too ridiculous.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Sub Par Post; I Can Admit It

At the moment my car is in no need of any auto repair--knock on wood. Knowing that your car has all of its necessary fluids and meters running right is a great feeling. And on the other hand, needing auto repair is the worst feeling.

We are all pretty dependent on our cars, and when they break down it basically shatters our collective universe. We need them for everything; we even drive our cars distances that could much more easily be walked. And what about traveling somewhere far away, like to Boise? forget it. Nobody would know how to get anywhere without their, or someone else's, car. maybe there will come a time when everyone gets so sick of auto repair that they will just let their vehicles fall to the wayside and we can all stop worrying about it.

Even though my car is working great, I still consider getting rid of it all the time. I just think that life might be a little less complicated and expensive if we didn't all have cars. True we wouldn't get anywhere as fast, but that just means we'd all have to plan our lives out a little better--and miss a little more TV. Wah.

Road Trip!

I am thinking of planning a trip, and I have an idea for where I want to go: Kill Devil Hills. I want to go there because I hear the name of that town all the time, and I just can't believe that it's really called that. My plan is to show up there and interview all the townsfolk about how that name came to be.

I know I will be disappointed, because there is no way that the story will be as tough as the name sounds. It isn't like I'm going to find some old guy and hear him say, "These are the hills that literally murdered the devil back in 1798." Sure that would be awesome, but the story is probably just going to be that some Quakers wanted the town to have a name that let God know they really didn't like the devil. Guess what? He's the devil--we know.

Kill Devil Hills sounds like a decent place to visit, but I don't want to live there--or anywhere. I am trying to get a trip out there in the next few months; does anybody out there want to come with me? It's fine if you don't, I'm just trying to be nice.

Murdering The Devil Hills

When I go on vacation, I rarely worry about getting vacation rentals or hotel rooms ahead of time. Maybe that makes me tough, but to be honest it definitely makes me tough. I just like to live out on the edge and see where the wind takes me. Got a problem with that life, corporate America? Well GET USED TO IT, because this is just who I am, and there is nothing that is going to change me.

Wait, there is really a town called Kill Devil Hills? Okay, I don't want to visit a place like that without having a plan--it just sounds too scary. Oh, the town is actually full of rich people? Man, this is going to be one seriously terrifying trip. I should probably just stay home and get a job in a cubicle.

After reading through this post I feel that I must apologize for not having stronger convictions. however, having convictions is the best way to get disappointed and heart-broken. It's much better to live life without believing in anything, because then nothing can disappoint you. Go on vacation or not--who cares? Not me, dude. I am just going to float around the world handing down life lessons and hanging out.

Not Yet a Doctor

My parents were all about holistic wellness when I was a kid. I'm sure they still are, but since I haven't lived with them for a few years, that also means I haven't been to any kind of doctor since that day. I don't remember being in love with the holistic wellness system, but it was at least less harsh than standard medicine.

The holistic doctor is never going to put you under or cut you open, so they sound pretty great. Unless you have a serious problem that requires cutting or splicing--then you might want to try scientific wellness. There are only so many things that fish oil can cure; I am not about to look up what those things are either.

Someday in the distant future I met get sick enough to have to go to the doctor again, but that will have to be a pretty serious problem. I have gotten really sick in the past few years--not a ton--and I have yet to cave and head into the doctor's office. I like to think that this process of not giving my body any outside help is making my immune system tougher. But I don't really know; what am I, a doctor? (I'm not.)

Half-Costume Ideas

With Halloween coming up, one must decide the appropriate way to dress for the occasion. Even if you have already decided to act like an adult this year and not dress up, there are still festive things you can do to keep all your friends from thinking you are the most boring person they know.

Ever considered glow in the dark earrings? Probably not, but guess what? They are a good idea. What about fingerless, glowing, leather gloves for the bikers out there? I know you guys want to keep looking tough, but that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice a little holiday cheer at the expense of your rough exterior. For the record, glow earrings and fingerless gloves are applied to both sexes in the post. That should be obvious, but I have no idea who reads these; I don't want some guy out there wishing he could wear glow earrings too. Dude, just wear them.

I bring this festive topic up because I am in the middle every year. I don't ever want to get fully dressed up (some years), but I still want to be part of the party. Usually that means wearing my street clothes and a monster mask, but I think everyone is sick of that.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Water Video

What if I decided to buy 100 water beds? What would we all do with them? To be honest, the first thing that I thought of was filling a pool with them, or just filling the pool with the water from the beds. Since that is clearly a terrible idea, and a waste of 100 water beds, it should be clear why I am asking for help.

We could maybe cover the floor and walls of a room with the water beds and have fights in there. That way when someone gets thrown into a wall the mattress would explode and shoot water everywhere. Wait! We could also film the fight with HD cameras and slow down the shots of water exploding. What's up, artistic viral video?

Turns out I don't need you guys to think of any ideas after all, I just needed to get more warmed up. If you dudes still want to help me out, then you can film or fight in the video. I promise to give everyone credit for their part in gaining this internet fame. This would be a good jumping point for any of our careers. Don't ever forget that we owe this all the water beds--if I actually buy them.

Muscle Time

I recently started working out with a personal trainer. I am doing this because I am getting older, and I need to start worrying about my fitness. Now that the gym is a place I see pretty frequently it is obvious that there is a definite divide between the majority of people there and myself.

For one, they are all pretty concerned with fashion. Dude, we are at the gym getting sweaty and gross--stop wearing jewelry and designer shoes. The funny part is when someone gets obsessed with their gym fashion, they stop working out at as hard, and thus they soon lose their sexy bodies and have to start caring about fitness again. Fashion and fitness form a strange cycle of which I want no part.

If anyone ever came up to me at the gym and wanted to chat I would cancel my membership. That shouldn't be a problem since the gym is full of muscle dummies and orange girls--none of us are each other's types. Being there more and more is just getting me used to the idea of seeing all those weird people, and I'm sure that they are getting more and more used to me as well.

Coffee Specifications

I don't drink coffee; I talk fast enough as it is. However, I know that pretty much everyone who isn't me is in love with coffee. If their cup isn't brewed with Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee beans they won't even touch it. hey coffee dudes, I'm pretty sure that coffee is coffee.

Just kidding--I know that as a person who doesn't drink I don't understand; I am willing to admit that. But you should also try to see things from my perspective and see how specific coffee drinkers are compared to other food and beverage appreciators (I purposely didn't use the word "connoisseurs" because that is not what the majority of coffee drinkers are, they are just hipsters who want to try a new blend). If someone loves food, they might go to an extremely nice restaurant to get the right meal, but I have never heard of the majority of eaters complaining that the leaves of their salad weren't grown on a certain part of a specific hill in Malaysia.

Coffee drinkers are in a world all their own. Everyone has their own special kind of drink that represents them; a person's uniqueness is defined by their cup of coffee, and that is why it is taken so seriously. The easiest way to define yourself quickly to a crowd is to take something that they all know and then change it slightly to fit you--being exactly like everyone else, with a few little changes. Coffee is perfect for that.

Water Sleeping

I have never been an 80s playboy--that is to say, I have never owned a water bed. The exact decade for the height of water bed sales is not exactly something I am aware of, but I have seen a lot of movies where people have water beds, and they pretty much all take place in the 80s.

So is there an actual medical benefit to sleeping on water, or is it just all about the novelty? I sat on one a few years ago and immediately thought, "This is crazy." Maybe it was crazy and maybe it wasn't, but I had made up mind about water beds and water sleep in general. For me, the more solid the surface the better. That means a firm mattress or the floor works for me.

Perhaps one day I will try to show off my eclectic tastes and I will buy a water couch or something. Oh, that hasn't been invented yet? Well then it looks like I have my work cut out for me. An entire gaggle of water related furniture appears to be in my future--my 80s playboy future. This is going on the list of dreams that I have for my adult life.

Monday, October 4, 2010


Ever since I have read, seen, and played Scott Pilgrim, I can't stop thinking about Canada. Just the other day I needed to go to the dentist, and I was thinking, "Hey! I should find the best Toronto dentist and see what they have to offer." This is an obviously terrible idea, so I ended up not doing it, but the thought still shows an unhealthy amount of obsession.

The "Toronto Dentist" incident is not a lone moment. I have recently been playing more video games, starting more bands, and trying to get in fights every time I see someone who has change in their pockets. The first two aren't so strange for me, but the last one is kind of out there. Maybe I just find the story so relatable that I want to make every aspect a part of my life.

Maybe it's time someone had an intervention with me. But be warned: Just because I am making the suggestion does not mean that I want it to happen. If you try to remove these things from my life, you should know that I will not let them go quietly, and I will not stop fighting everyone with coins--this could mean YOU. I changed my mind, I am going to the Toronto dentist TODAY.

Kitchen Stuff

It is no secret that my kitchen is a fat mess, but I wish it were. I used to try and keep it clean, but there is really no way to combat that dirty forces that live with me--no offense, dudes. There has to be something I can do, but I can't find the right item.

Somebody once suggested a kitchen utensil holder, but I immediately thought, "Oh yeah, what we need is one more thing to clutter it up--thank you for the idea." Something like a kitchen utensil holder is for people who have their kitchen pretty together already. Getting something fancy to hold all our utensils is like step seventy on the list of ways to making the kitchen not disgusting.

I lived alone for a long time so maybe I am just not used to having other people to clean up after, or with. My plan for the moment is to be at home as little as possible. I work in the mornings, study in random places throughout the day, and then just try to come home to sleep. One day if I come home and the kitchen looks nice I will consider getting some kind of utensil apparatus for our pad--but don't hold your collective breath, readers.

I Used to Be Tough

Guess what my first job was? I started driving a forklift when I was about 15. Oh, you didn't know that I used to be tough and blue collar? Don't let these parades of purple prose fool you into thinking that I have been a nerd all of my life.

After driving the forklift I was a changed man; it was like I had a mental bond with every kind of machinery. Whether it was a cherry picker or a used skid steer I could understand what each machine needed to run efficiently--like at the end of Speed Racer. maybe I have lost some of those skills now, but there was a time when I could use machines to construct and deconstruct buildings--not just literary works. BOOM.

All this talk has made me kind of miss that old life. I wonder what ol' forky is up to these days; I hope he and the used skid steer are finally getting along. That sentence made me sound a little crazy, but I'm for sure not crazy--it's called understanding and compassion, people. Machinery needs to be cared for the same as anything else. People name their cars don't they? Love for vehicles is pretty common, so cut me some slack.

Friday, October 1, 2010

A Great Idea

Why don't sports teams ever have gun names? I would definitely go and see the Dallas Guns play--and I would also watch the other team be terrified. They could even nickname the quarterback The Dallas Shotgun or something similar. Only one question remains: Why am I not in charge of all sports' naming conventions?

From now on all teams will either be named after cute animals, theoretical things that can be found in space, and destructive weapons. Oh, the Atlanta Wormholes are playing the Los Angeles Munchkin Cats? that's going to be a good one. It might even be as good as the Dallas Gun Shops versus the New York Folded Space.

Are you hearing this? These are awesome team names, and I wasn't even trying that hard. If someone would just give me a chance I could really think of some great names for teams. These guys are just a taste.

I would happily work for any and all sports, just so you know. Also, I promise that I will never ever run out of ideas--in fact we could change every team's name every year and I would be totally fine with it. Seriously, someone please just give me a chance; I can do it!

Gun Stuff

Why don't we have a little conversation about gun control? I know that guns are bad; we all know that right? Right. However, that is not what needs to be considered when thinking about gun control; immediate danger is not what is being debated. When we think of people who are against strict gun laws we think of guys holding a Dallas shotgun or a Dallas pistol, and that is not the right image.

Think about this: If private citizens were no longer allowed to have guns (getting guns off streets right?) think about which groups of people would still have guns. The police would still have their guns, and criminals would still have guns. A law does not prevent things, it only makes them illegal. People need to have guns to protect themselves from both the government and from criminals, because they will never be without their firearms.

Also consider this: being allowed to conceal a weapon is a law that benefits people who don't even have guns. If a criminal is going to mug someone in an area where this is legal, they must consider it before attacking. Sure the guys with their Dallas shotguns act nuts, but don't associate only them with the side that is anti-gun control.

The Return of Dr Tinycat

I know that this is a heated debate, but I have finally chosen my side: I think that the animal hospital is still a cute place. Sure there could be some really sick kittens and puppies there, but you think they aren't going to be cute still? Get real.

There is no greater place for getting your hearts strings tugged than in an animal hospital. Oh, you don't believe me? Just click the links that I have been sprinkling in this post; you won't regret it. Lucky for you someone posted cute animal hospital videos online. So whether you are reading this from St. Louis or Argentina you can enjoy the happy footage right now.

Sure kittens give off a tough outer shell--too afraid to let other kittens in because they are scared of getting hurt. But once they are vulnerable at the hospital their true soft nature finally comes out. If anyone reading this would like to plan bi-weekly visits to the animal hospital with me, please let me know in the comments section so we can schedule the days accordingly--I am pretty free on most weekday afternoons. I just don't want to miss out on anymore cute flu-kittens than I already have.

Bro Convo

Riddle me this, world: when the guys who live for Spring Break plan the trip, do they take it very seriously? I mean, do they look up things like Panama City Beach vacation rentals to stay in, or do they just show up drunk and ready to party? I only ask because it doesn't seem like they are the kind of people who plan, but there is not really any way around it.

I'm sure those strong, tan bros do have to look up rental spots and figure out different places to stay. Actually, I bet there is just one guy in each group who has to do it.

"Dog, I can't wait for The Break--I am going to party so hard that my KIDS have hangovers."
"Yeah that's a tight thing to say. But brah, where are we going to stay?"
"I seriously can't even figure out what you are saying to me, dogchill."
"Aw what? I'll see if the internet can help me."
"What are you going to do? READ on the internet? Sounds like real bummer, froyo."

After searching "Panama City Beach condo rentals" maybe that dude will find a place to stay, and maybe not. The internet can definitely be used by first-timers, so it's looking like this Spring Break is going to be the best one ever!

Cooler Than Smoking

Dear smokers, this post is for you:

Do you ever think that smoking is still pretty cool, but it is just looking a little dated? Well it just so happens that you are right on both accounts. Of course smoking still looks cool--haven't you seen a movie lately? However, we are not cowboys anymore, and there has to be a way to show that you and your laptop are hip, even if your cigarettes aren't.

Buy electronic cigarettes. I know what you're thinking: "How can cigarettes be electronic?" To be honest I have no idea, but can you explain to me how the internet works? You're using it right now aren't you? There are just some technological advances that we cannot explain, but that has never stopped us from using them before.

Please, buy electronic cigarettes and stop looking so old fashioned. Analog cigarettes are so 1892--back when people drilled for oil instead of mastering photoshop and creating new memes. Those smokes just aren't going to cut it for this new, hip, minimalist, modern, plastic world. The electronic cigarette is one of those inventions that will probably never be explained--like ipods--but that doesn't mean people should be afraid to take advantage of how cool it can make them look--especially if they are using their ipods at the same time.