Monday, November 22, 2010

Perfect Etiquette

One of the greatest things about people who are rich, fancy, and cultured are the moments they have to ironically act poor in order to look superior. Maybe it is hard for some people to think about a specific event, but we will get more and more into that as the article moves forward.

Oh, why wait? I am talking about wine tasting. It is beautiful thing that the elegant upper class will trek up to places like Sonoma for wine tours. They arrive in their classiest yet casual clothes for the event, ready to show off their perfect palettes and distinguished tastes in front of all the other elite people of their class.

First they take the glass of wine and hold it up to the light--this action allows them to see the natural color of the wine, and see the thickness of that color as the light passes through it. Oh, how well-trained your eyes must be to notice the subtleties of that color shift. Next they spin the wine in the glass to see how quickly it settles--testing its thickness, which is clearly a very important test. Next they smell it and taste it. Ah yes, the whole point of this wine tasting is to discover the perfect aroma and taste that exists within this fermented delicacy. Yes, sir and madam, you are the epitome of elegance, and your classy behavior illustrates that perfectly.

Wait. Did you just spit into a bucket? Um. I'm sorry, I just wasn't expecting that. Is there a fancy word for that bucket that you are all collectively spitting in? Maybe a spittoon? That would make you all as classy as cowboys spitting out tobacco before they murder each other over card games. Are you sure you have to spit it out so much? I know that if you didn't, you would all get drunk--and getting drunk is the opposite of being classy. But clearly none of you are too worried about what the opposite of class looks like as you make "ding" sounds in the spit bucket.

Oh, excuse me--the tasting is not yet over. After you have sufficiently allowed your mouth sewage to enter into the communal spittoon (communal behavior is also not very fancy), be sure to make a note of the aftertaste that now exists in your mouth. Do I detect a hint of strawberries and... dirt? How divine. This truly has been a magnificent wine tasting indeed. Perhaps a round of badminton is in order, followed by a rousing tryst to the spit bucket store to pick up some useful items for the next neighborhood wine tasting.

Is it so wrong to make fun of rich people? Of course not. They have great lives, and I don't think any amount of jokes could make them feel bad about it. They are tasting wine, and I am sitting here eating animal crackers that I found in the drawer of a desk that isn't mine. Guess what? I didn't even think twice about it. I also didn't give it a proper tasting--how uncouth of me. However, I also didn't puke it up all over my office, so maybe that puts me one up on all the rich people out there who can't hold their liquor.

I would love to be invited to a wine tasting. I would just walk around spitting my own spit into all of the buckets. If anyone got mad at me I would be like, "Excuse me, sir--do not attempt to tell me that my spittle is no good here. I am mere following the customs. When in Rome--SPIT." Who could refute that?


  1. I think I just found 5 month old marshmallows left in a drawer next to the computer by my teenage brother. My life is the epitome of class.

  2. OK I have to laugh becuase I have gone wine tasting many times, yet I have never spit it out. I guess I enjoy wine too much. I have never seen anyone else do this either, I guess our little wine haven in San Diego doesn't match up to Napa :)
    Thanks for your visit, I wish I could give you advice on the car but, well, with three kids, it's all about carpool and not having french fries on the floor :)
    Take care