Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Getting Funnier

Some of you out there might be thinking, "I need to lose weight TODAY. Not in six months, like some kind of athlete or person with a balanced diet, but RIGHT NOW." If you are saying that, I will first ask you to calm down--take a deep breath, and I will make you a special offer if you promise not to go crazy about it. What if you could combine a fast diet with something that also made your skin healthier--does it sound too good to be true? MAYBE IT IS.

I am talking of course about the hCG diet skin care routine that is so popular with... people. So what happens is that hCG is a hormone that is taken out of pregnant women (don't ask how) and then it is your job to take that hormone and inject it directly into your bloodstream. If you aren't convinced by now that this is the best idea ever, I don't really know what else to tell you--it's pretty obvious.

The problem with most other skin care techniques is that they will always leave kind of oil or residue on your skin, and that is seriously gross. By injecting this magic baby serum into your veins your skin will be free to exists as it did before, only now all the good stuff will come up from underneath--boom, oil free skin care. Can you say nutrients? Probably!

Do not concern yourself with reading books, learning musical instruments, painting, knitting, writing, photography, or anything else that is a massive waste of time. Do you think you're going to get noticed/dates just because you can speak intelligently? It won't matter if you're fat--people won't even listen to you. And if you're skinny do you think giggling all the time and having nothing to say will stop you from getting attention? The reality in what I have just said is hilariously heartbreaking. This is the world we live in--what are you going to do?

Sorry, back to dieting and being cute. What is better than being skinny? Being skinny and having nice skin! Well now both of those things can be yours if you want them badly enough. By that I mean if you have a little bit of money and enough of a desire to actually stick a needle into your arm and fill your veins with juice from all three trimesters. In fact that shouldn't even be a question, because who wouldn't do that? It's like, Hello?

Lots of companies sell hCG so it is probably pretty safe right? Right--that is definitely the way it is... supposed to be, at least. Trusting companies is a great thing to do because they really care about the customer. I mean, their first priority is to turn a profit--you know, to make money off of people--but I'm sure the customer's safety is somewhere in the top twenty. A company wants to sell you a product because they want to help you--not because they are trying to stay afloat! What kind of world do you think we are living in? Goodness.

If you had started injecting yourself with hCG at the beginning of reading this blog, you would be skinny by now. Let that be a lesson to you in the art of acting-fast-without-thinking. In fact, if you think about decisions at all before you make them, just quit doing that right now. The world we live in is designed for us to just float along in and have everything presented, and then sold, to us. I for one applaud the world of marketing and business for being so thoughtful and kind to all of us simple consumers who don't have ability to know poison when we see it.

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