The Once and Future ME

I have never been to Florida, but I have been recently been thinking about looking into some Panama City Beach vacation rentals. Even though I am not really a beach guy, it sounds like people have a pretty good time out in Florida. If Will Smith likes it, then who am I to question the things that he loves and proclaims about?

Panama City sounds like as nice a place as any to party and relax--at the same time. Maybe it's high time I became beach dude with big muscles and an awesome tan. I have tried to avoid becoming that kind of guy for my entire life, but I might as well stop avoiding the inevitable and embrace my true heritage. You guys, a LOT of people in my family are bros, and they are a pretty big influence on me. I know, please forgive me.

This is probably the last time any of us will ever speak; once I get to Panama City things will be forever changed. maybe once I become strong and tan I will finally be comfortable in my own skin. I have been waiting my whole life to become this, so please support me with the fact that this is happening.

A Personal Message

I don't have a female partner right now, so I have little use for sex toys. You know what, after I wrote that sentence I realized that this is something I probably shouldn't get into on this blog. Not that I am uncomfortable with talking about sex and the sex shop patrons, but I don't really know who reads this, so I don't think people would really want to read about it.

I mean, anything that I have to say about sex probably isn't going to benefit anyone who reads my blog. Like some guy from Toronto is going to read that I don't have a girlfriend and think, "Wow! This guy is so right about how he isn't dating anyone right now!" And if some guy did think that, I wouldn't really feel that I had reached my audience in an affective way.

If you guys want me to talk about sex and share all my fantastic opinions about it, then by all means let me know in the comments. Have you guys also noticed that I've been trying that I've been trying to get you participate more? I'm looking at you Casey. I know you have lots of questions about sex toys, so don't be ashamed to get them answered here. Also, I wrote a blog about Scott Pilgrim today, but I didn't post it here. Sorry, dude.

A Poor List

One thing that I might do is move to Toronto. One thing that I will never do is open a sex shop. These two things are pretty unrelated, but I am just trying to narrow down my future with a list of things I will and won't do. Here are some examples:

- I will own a kitten, but probably not a cat.
- I will really never open a sex shop.
- Getting rich? Doesn't seem very likely.
- However, I might take up stealing, and that is kind of like being rich.
- If I don't end up moving to Toronto then I will probably move to Kitchener--because I am a person who loves to cook.

That is enough for now. Actually, reading through this list isn't really helping me narrow down my major life choices. If anyone has any good ideas for what I should or shouldn't do with my life, please feel free to leave some advice in the "comments" section. If you don't someone else will, so think about that.

One day I will be old and possibly dead, so I need these ideas soon if I am going to have enough time to make them all happen. Think about that as well.

Previous Sex Posts Are More Analyitcal

When I was younger I remember going to the sex shop with a friend to get some kind of present for a party. This was my first time looking at sex toys, and all I could think was, "Man, these really do look like a bunch of toys." But guess what? They weren't really toys.

I have been to the toy store, and there are some stark differences between real toys and sex toys. For one... Actually, we are not going to get into this. I have spent a lot of time explaining the strange aspects of sex toys in previous blogs, and now I'm done with it. Let's just suffice it so say that I think sex toys are weird--not because I think sexual experimentation is weird, but the actual toys themselves are strange in theme, novelty, and aesthetics.

I lived near Toronto in those days (give or take), and I always heard that people in Canada were pretty open about sexuality. That is just fine, but I don't even care. I wish I could remember who told me that so that I could call them up and tell them that I don't care. Whatever, this whole blog about sexuality without heavy analysis has left a bad taste in my mouth. See ya.

The Sad Model

If there is one thing that all of my loving followers know about me, it's that I absolutely love models and the fashion industry. I know I spent my years in college studying literature and creativity, but I really admire a girl when I am looking through her bikini model portfolio; I just think, "Wow, what a difference you are making."

I mean what could be more fulfilling than being an object in a photograph? Whether you are a bikini model or a sexy lamp this could be your life! People might be thinking that the ugliness of my face that keeps me from becoming a model is making me jealous, and they would be RIGHT. I had to learn to read and write because there was no way I would be able to slide by on my looks--I will never forgive my parents.

However, it is tragic looking for glamour model work. It is a hard life to go through, and it takes a decent amount of determination to continue on. I recommend going back to school if things get to rough. My heart goes out to all the models out there, because I know that life will never be satisfying in the way that it should be.

Worth a Shot

One day I think I will get a job at the veterinary hospital. I don't particularly like animals, but that is exactly why I would like to get a job there; it would help me learn to care for something that I don't really want to care for. I am all about personal growth, people.

I used to live near San Diego, and that place reminds me that I definitely didn't care about animals. I was dating this girl whose cat died, and I remember her crying so, so much about it. I was nice about everything, but in my head I was like, "uhhh, are we going to see Harry Potter 3 or not?" Just kidding, I don't remember what movie we MISSED.

It is high time that I learned what it takes to love cute creatures. Sure being cute is a good start, but that doesn't mean I am willing to cure their diseases at the moment. That is where the veterinary hospital comes in. In all honesty I will probably not last one day in a place like that, but it's worth a shot right? So maybe a few kittens will die because I never learned how to give shots--like youtube doesn't have enough kitten to keep us all satisfied for all eternity.

Bummer Animals

If I had animals I would take them to the veterinary hospital every time they got sick. The thing is... I wouldn't like doing that, and so that is why I don't have any animals. I don't really love animals all that much, so keeping them healthy is not really a concern that I have.

Sure they can be cute--what am I saying? Animals can be super cute, but that doesn't mean I need to pretend they are anything but cute. Other than that, they don't do anything. Just yesterday I was running at the gym and had to watch Marley and Me. Are you kidding me? I heard that this movie makes everyone cry. All I saw was a dog being a dog, and then all of a sudden everyone would love it as soon as it stopped being a jerk. Get real, that dog is rude.

San Diego is full of locusts and Utah is full of inbred dogs. I just can't get away from animals no matter where I move to. The only reason I need animals to exist is because they are a great subject for videos on youtube. Don't believe me? Yeah right, everyone that uses the internet knows about cute kitten videos; it's all any of us need.

This Picture Made My Day

I wonder what animals would think of the veterinary hospital if they knew how good we have it over at the people hospital. Pretty much all the animals have is a steel table and a handful of doctors--not great. Plus, the word "animal" kind of encompasses a lot of different species with different physiological traits so... good luck getting the right kind of treatment.

Remember how the real hospital's food is so good that people in my city go there when they aren't sick? That's how good we have it over here in human town. The veterinary hospital doesn't have anything on us. I used to live near San Diego, and I don't think I saw one animal hospital when I was growing up. There's another difference right there: I know that human hospitals exist, but I have only seen hospitals for animals on television. Strange.

Either way I don't really care; I am a person so if I break my leg I won't have to be put down. Sorry race horses who make their owners rich, when that little bone breaks so will the hearts of all the children who love you (because you'll be dead).

PS all of these links actually lead to a youtube video of some decently cute animals getting treated; it's better than nothing.

Dangerous Fun

The other day I was driving by a playground in my city. I couldn't believe the different types of playground equipment that kids have to play on these days. First off, they aren't even dangerous anymore, and thus they are no fun. But that is just the first qualm of many that I have.

Also, why aren't we allowed to use sand anymore? Do people really think that wood chips are somehow a better replacement? No one ever got a splinter from sand, and no one ever built a tiny castle made out of chips. But back to the playground equipment for a moment: what ever happened to the thing that spins really fast--the one that makes kids fly off? That is easily the best toy that anyone has ever made, but I haven't seen one in about ten years.

I'm sure some mom flipped out one day because her kid was a crybaby about something normal--like sand. Thanks to this family no one is allowed to have fun ever again. Playground equipment needs to go through a change, and it needs to be a dangerous one. Kids are tough--they can handle whatever society has to throw in their faces.

Digital Smoke

So everyone knows that the electronic cigarette exists right? Well in case you didn't know... now you do. There are so many things to say about this invention that I don't even know where to begin. For one, think about how stupid this makes people who write sci-fi movies look.

In every pretty much every movie with a villain, they smoke. And in futuristic sci-fi movies people still smoke all the time. In a fake world where characters are surrounded by every possible futuristic item that the creative minds behind the movie could think of, they are still smoking normal cigarettes. Are you paying attention attention to this, guys who made The Fifth Element? You never thought to put an electronic cigarette in your movies, but we have them now! The present!

Also, we will probably never have flying cars, or be able to travel in deep space, so stop over-using those all the time. Look for the more basic things that we could actually accomplish. The E cig was right under our noses, and no one saw it coming. Now they are going to have to be in a bunch of movies, because we already have it. Movies have food don't they? Think about it.

What's Up, THE FUTURE?

There are a lot of movies out and stories that predict a future filled with robots and and other ridiculous technologies. I was getting pretty mad that the world was not reflecting this crazy sci-fi life--that is until the electric cigarette came out.

Seriously can anyone think of a crazier item to make electronic? Cigarettes deal with fire and smoke, the two least digital things I can think of. Yet here we are, smoking electronic cigarettes and getting a binary buzz going. The electric cigarette, or E cig (haha), is actually something that I have seen people smoking, so I can testify to their reality.

I can also testify to the reality of the future being NOW. If people can find a way to make smoke electric what's next? Electric children? I have no idea what the future will hold, but I think it is safe to say that all of humanity's vices will become electric first, just so we don't miss out on any during transition periods--like the singularity. Maybe alcohol will go digital next. I saw an iphone app once that made it look like someone was drinking a beer if they tilted the phone toward their mouth. I can't wait until that app stops being nice and starts getting real.

Boost It

Starting up a new website can be difficult, and it can be especially hard to get your new site noticed. A lot of people will look into getting an SEO partner to help them get a little more attention from search engines and customers. Well guess what? None of this applies to me because I don't have a website.

Oh wait--I do have a Facebook account. I wonder if I could hire an SEO partner to help me get noticed, but not to get more friends. By getting more attention, but not more friends, it will make me seem cool yet exclusive. It is practically the personification of a fancy Los Angeles club--everyone stand outside waiting to get in, but it is just never going to happen. People are just going to send me a million friend requests and get DENIED.

This is a great idea. I feel like I need to thank my future SEO partner in advance. Thank you for getting me a million friend requests, so that I could deny them all and feel great about myself. Nothing boosts confidence like turning away people who want to get to know you better. Life is all about building confidence.

Baseball Stuff

My dad really wanted me to get into baseball when I was a little kid. I used to have to play baseball every year even though I was terrible at it, and hated every second of it. At one point he even got me an autographed baseball to try and make me excited about the sport. Even though I really did like the ball, and kept it high up on my shelf, it didn't really change the way I felt about baseball... or sports in general.

If a signed baseball wasn't going to change my mind, nothing was going to. Finally, pop let me stop playing sports; he was pretty sad, but we both knew that I was just going to embarrass him if I kept going, and neither of us wanted that.

Looking back, maybe I should have stuck with it a little longer--just kidding, I was seriously terrible. However, I could have least gotten a few more autographed baseballs out of the deal. My dad is probably still a little disappointed--he only had one son, and it was me--but at least he never brings it up. It would actually probably make him to sad to talk about it. Amen.

Summer Words

I have spent a pretty decent chunk of my life studying English. I also spent a good amount of time in summer camps (kind of). Can you see where I am going with this? I hope you can, or else the surprising existence of English summer camps might be too much for you to handle.

ESL SUMMER CAMPS! Seriously, when I was a kid I would have been so into that idea. Now, I know that these camps aren't teaching the kind of English that I am used to, meaning they are teaching English as a second language, but I would still like to go and learn. Like any of us could know all of the basic grammar rules anyway, right? Plus I would have gotten to do fun summer camp activities while I was learning.

People hate to learn--it's a hard fact. This is why people must sometimes be tricked into learning by surrounding it with things like horseback riding and canoeing. Those things are totally fine with me, and even though I love to learn I would still prefer knowledge by way of summer camp. I barely even go outdoors these days, and it is solely because there is no one out there combining my opposing interests in the best ways--until now!

Getting Tougher

I have recently been trying to get tough with a personal trainer. So far his job is just to make me really sore and bummed. He also gets mad at me for not upping my protein intake in order to get massive. I don't know how to break it to him, but I just don't want to do that.

He is always telling ways to get my hands on discount supplements, as if that is my major problem. I have plenty of money for discount supplements, guy, but I just keep spending on other things that I want more than supplements--like nothing. I don't mind getting sore and trying to make my body a little tougher, but I have no need to try and become a giant atom smasher.

I have to meet with this guy once a week, and every time he wants to weigh me to see how much muscle I have gained. So far I have been able to trick him into not doing it by distracting him with a workout question. Maybe one day I will make him happy by bringing some discount supplements with me, and make it look like I have been using it like crazy. Man, what a good joke, right?

300

I do not have a website, but I do have profiles on certain social networking sites. People who do own websites will often call up a website broker and sell their website for a lot of money. Since I don't have a website this is something I cannot do--or can I? Why couldn't I sell my social profiles the same way businesspeople sell their sites?

Websites brokers had better get ready for the wave of sales that are going to come from social sites. Some people just can't make any friends, even in a fake, online world. These people would shell out a lot of money for a profile that already has cool friends on it. I don't have any fake friends, and I can honestly say that each person I added is pretty hip. Some nerd, with the the help of a website broker, would pay a ton for that.

I am going to go make some calls and see if I can't get the ball rolling on something like this. It might sound stupid to some people, but don't most business ideas sound pretty stupid? They totally do. With that in mind, this is the best idea that anyone has ever had.

RIP MomCat

So my roommate's cat has been gone for a few days, and we are pretty much assuming that it's dead. I am not too bummed, because I don't care about animals. Sue me. All I know is that my roommate will save a bunch of money, because now he won't have to waste any more money on things like natural cat food for that ridiculous hippie cat.

I'm sure the cat is fine--it probably just found a better home in a clean house. I can't imagine caring about that either. As long as it stays gone I going to consider this a win. What is a cat's job? to eat, sleep all day, stare at you, scratch things, and get in fights. An animal like that doesn't deserve natural cat food--even if it isn't a cat.

My roommate acts a little bummed, but it isn't like our lives are that different as a result. I bet in like six months that cat will roll back in and force us to take care of it again. When that happens--if I find it first--I am going to run it out of town for good. I'll throw some natural cat food in the back of a semi and say goodbye to that cat forever. Boom.

Getting Clocked

So the home that I live in right now has some decent wall clocks. This is a little funny, because wall clocks are kind of a fancy decoration, but the rest of our house is... well, less fancy. I like having a few nice things on the walls, because then it looks like the rest of our house is messed up on purpose--like we are artists living there.

That is the key to making a house look nice--not filling it with actually nice things, but making the mess work for you. Our house looks old and funny, so we just go with it and act like that's how we planned it out to be. You think anyone ever questions us? No way, because we are confident and pleasant. If I were to go around complaining about my house, then whenever someone came over they would just be like, "Oh you were right; this place is pretty nasty." However, if I never mention it then people will just react to the house the way I react to it when we all walk in together.

Back to wall clocks, the key element to making my crappy house look like a moderate home. Just go to the thrift store and find some items that look fancy--it will do wonders for the confidence of your home.

Clubs, You Know?

Maybe I am the kind of guy who goes to night clubs, and maybe I'm not. If you don't already know then read some of my older posts and see if you can figure it out. Okay, I'll tell you--I am definitely not the kind of person who has any nightlife at all. One night this weekend I read for three hours and then went for a walk. I can't imagine a better night.

Clubs are just not for me--I can't handle the crazy dating environment that surrounds those places. I just want to sit around by myself, or talk to people, and a club does afford me with either of those options. You are only allowed to DANCE! I am usually too tired to dance, so I would probably have a hard time keeping up with everybody else.

Maybe when I am older I will have a different nightlife routine--like I will throw in a movie or something after my walk. One day I might move to Seattle, and hopefully I will be able to stay inside even more. If figure that in a place where it rains all the time people just tend to stay inside. At least that is my definite hope.

Possibly Jobs

Oxford, Massachusetts is place known for smart people, and the academic elite, but that doesn't have to mean you. There is actually an HVAC training school that is close to that area. If you say things like, "Books make me want to throw up, and they don't even help people. I just want to learn how to fix heaters and air conditioning units--I want to make a difference!" then you are not only dramatic, but you are ready for HVAC training.

Don't let the other, ritzy schools in the area fool you--people need their heaters to be fixed, and those nerds over at the university aren't going to be able to do it. Grab your tool box and head over to where the problem is. Actually, you can't head over there until after you have completed your training, but it shouldn't take you very long.

Finding the right job is important, and by "important" I mean "whatever." Just do something that doesn't drive you crazy and you will be just fine. Life isn't about living your dream--it's about doing things that don't make you an insane person, which is harder than you think it is. Just relax and find a nice tech school.

Expensive Free Things

All of my roommates are obsessed with phones right now. All they talk about is how to unlock Blackberry phones or get a better deal on their next purchase. The funny part is that there are actually businesses who will perform a little Blackberry unlocking if you pay them.

Guess what business people? Maybe you didn't Google that before you started trying to sell it, but there only about ten million videos on Youtube that show people how to unlock their phones. And Youtube is just the mainstream site--there are countless places all over the internet where people can learn to hack any device for free.

I don't know which is wrong or right. I thought that hacking into a phone at the mall was somehow the same as trying to sell an edited DVD and thus was illegal, but I guess not. That probably means that soon someone will try to pass a law that says it is illegal to give things away for free because it hurts the market. The world is a crazy place with too many cell phones, and free things that people pay for. I probably didn't even write this blog--I outsourced it to a video site, and they did it for free. What?

Hidden Sickness

When I was younger I had to go to the optometrist all the time. It was definitely something that I didn't like doing, and for me it was the same as going to the doctor or dentist. I think just being in any kind of place where you are physically checked is cause enough for stress.

Now that I am older I plan on never going to the optometrist again. Some people that I am being irresponsible, but I don't even care about those people. They can go back to Baldwinsville, or some other made-up city. My eyes are okay, and so I am going to enjoy this time away from the optometrist.

For some reason I just don't like the doctor. The whole time I am in there I feel like I am going to get the worst news, and when I get good news at the end, all I can think is: "What? Yeah--I already knew that." As long as I feel fine I am not going to be worried about getting sick. People only get checked because some diseases hide for a long time. Well if it's hiding I don't want to wake it up. Plus the diseases that sneak up you tend to be deadly no matter what, so at least I wouldn't have to stress out about it this way.

Sandy Killer Cohen

There are two fictional characters who first inspired me to try and become a lawyer. The first was Atticus Finch (obvious), and the second was Sandy Cohen, from The OC.

I know it seems strange to have anyone from The OC as a role model (but not really). However, Sandy is the epitome of a great lawyer. He is surrounded by rich people, does only free defense work, and ruins the rich people's estates as often as he can. In fact, he even catches his own father-in-law trying to illegally sell worthless land for millions of dollars and forces said father-in-law, using the LAW, to sell it for only one dollar--good luck staying rich now, pops.

There is another key moment where Sandy has the advantage. One night, as his biological and adopted sons are being arrested Sandy yells to the police: "Don't question them until I arrive at the station: I am their attorney." And the cops are like, "OH DAMN."

Sandy is a great lawyer because he passed the California BAR Exam, and everyone knows what a brutal test that is. He might have had a California BAR tutor, but I like to think that he nailed the test on his own. If Sandy Cohen can keep his kids out of jail, and thwart land barons, he could probably handle a test.

Darwin!

I have been recently feeling like I want to cruise Galapagos Islands. Yeah, that means exactly what it sounds like it means. I want to get on a boat and just cruise by those bad boys. No stopping, no site-seeing, just hard cruising. Those million year-old turtles won't know what hit them.

A Galapagos yacht charter might be the route some people prefer to take, but those people can get real forever. I am young, and my heart still pumps life--I am not about to take a slow ride around these beautiful islands. I want to put on some sunglasses, a few fake tattoos, grab a red plastic cup and just cruise. I might not even look at the islands when we go by; I haven't decided yet.

The point of this blog is to say: Whatever, Darwin. You can't make me love your islands and your theories. Maybe you did find a flower with a deep stem, hypothesize that a creature with a 12-inch nose would pollinate it, and then prove yourself right, but BIG DEAL. I am cruising.

Okay, I decided that I will not be looking at your islands--how does that feel? Maybe there is a big-nosed bug there, and maybe there isn't. I won't be looking so I won't know.

Subtle References

I once dated this girl who was thinking about getting into interior home decorating. The only reason she wanted to get into it was because her mom did it, and made a ton of money helping rich people figure out how to decorate their giant homes. I wasn't super impressed by her wanting to do this, but I also wouldn't mind being married to a girl who made a ton of money for practically nothing.

What would she have to do? Look online for some home decor items, and then have them shipped to the client's house? Brutal. Maybe she would even have to map things out using Google Sketch Up. She might be get a sore wrist! Also, decorating a house is pretty easy. Consider this: the people who have the weirdest looking houses are the people with the most expensive interior decorators.

To make a long story short, this girl and I are no longer dating. Guess what? I don't even care. We were just kids, and kids have no idea what they are doing with their lives. In fact, I can't believe I can even remember that story--or that I dated her at all. Your mind plays tricks... you play tricks back.

Boca Grande Is Actually a Place. Ha!

Like most of the world, I am pretty into taking vacations. Also, I like staying in hotels and resorts, so it all works out in the end. Most of the time I even love hotels so much that I feel like staying there is the best part of the vacation.

I don't know what it is. Sure I could go look at a volcano or something, but this place has a POOL. I really like hotel food as well. How can anyone resist a veggie burger called the Boca Grande Florida? No one can--it is the best kept secret in all the resorts in all the world.

Maybe I will start looking into taking a vacation now. I haven't been on one in a long time so the time is probably coming up again. Even though I really like going on vacation, I have never really needed it. Some people think they will go crazy if they don't get to go on a trip every so often, but those people just need to relax a little.

Life isn't so hard. A vacation doesn't have to be an escape--it can just be a thing that you are doing for a little while.

Pharmacy Criminal

So there is this guy I used to know, and this guy's brother used to rob pharmacies like crazy. What he would do is dress up like a pharmacist, get all the proper paperwork, and then just stroll back there and start taking all the pills that he wanted.

He was doing it right in front of all the other workers, and no one did anything to stop him. He went from pharmacy to pharmacy doing this for months and months. At one time he was even on the FBI's radar, and it was them who finally took him down.

For anyone out there who reads my blogs, I am usually all for crime and theft--but stealing medicine? No way. Not only were people who needed medications not getting them, but I doubt the pills that he stole were going to sick people.

I am glad that he got caught and I hope he spends a long time at the prison over in West Palm Beach (just kidding, I don't know where they sent him). He was a pretty clever and gutsy criminal, and I have to respect that (maybe "have to" isn't the right phrase), but he was also being a pretty big jerk about it. have fun in jail, dip.

Bye Bye, Retail

I will be honest with you right now, readers: I do not miss working retail at all. Here is a list of reasons why:

1. I don't like scanning RFID tags.
2. I don't like talking to people.
3. Selling people something they don't really need makes it harder for me to sleep at night.
4. I don't even like LOOKING at RFID tags.
5. I don't want anything to ever be folded.
6. If someone complains about something, my reaction is always to laugh and then yell.
7. I could never get the RFID printer to work.
8. The customer is supposed to be right, except that, from what I could tell, that is not true.
9. I do not fit in at the mall, or any other place that has anything in common with the mall.
10. Anything RFID related does not suit me.

Most of us have worked at a retail job at one point or another, and I would be surprised if any of us had fond memories of it. Don't misunderstand me--I have plenty of funny stories from my days in retail, but it wasn't like I was actually having a good time. Those stories probably weren't even funny until at least a year after they had happened.

Howdy Partner

I will probably never start a website. It's not that I don't have ambition, it's just that I wouldn't know the first thing about how to run a successful website. I am all about the tangible world, so being online just doesn't work for me in the same way.

Would I know that I needed to hire an SEO partner to help get my site higher on search engines? Of course not! I would probably just turn my website on and wait for customers to just start rolling in. Even if I had the best product in the world, no one is going to be able to find me. The internet is like the ocean, and website is like a penny at the bottom of it. Luckily, Google is like a magnet the size of the moon that can target only pennies. An SEO partner is like a fish whose job it is to go around and put the better pennies on top so that they get to the magnet first.

That is easily the best analogy I have ever made in my entire life. Hopefully there is an SEO partner company out there who reads this and appreciates the artistic lengths that I am going to for them.

More Bags

I am not now, nor will I ever be the kind of person who wants Gucci fabric for anything. I do not understand the idea that needless decadence is something that should be flaunted as if it is an amazing trait.

Think of this: a Louis Vuitton fabric bag costs much more than is decent, so the people buying it and showing it off are saying, "I am so rich that I can waste my money and not care." Now think of the people who are buying knockoff brands. They are saying, "I envy people who are so rich that they waste their money--I want to look rich and wasteful too!" The world is so awful that I want to explode forever.

The idea of buying Gucci fabric hurts my feelings. If I ever have kids I want to hide with them in the woods until World War Three is over and we can just start farming or something. And every time a fashion designer walks through our town looking for work we will just ignore them until they go away. If anyone from the town feels the need to go with them, then they are more than welcome to leave and never come back.

Real Life Stuff

Remember how people will pay thousands of dollars for a purse that costs like eight bucks to make? Maybe you hope that you don't remember, but you do. Well guess what? You can now buy the fabric that people use to make those stupid purses!

Were you ever like, "Man, I wish I could find some Gucci fabric so that I could just make a purse instead shelling out my inheritance." BOOM that is now possible--just start searching the web. Don't worry about having the right stitching because the original bags were probably made by some six year old in a dark factory anyway. Just make a call and get some of your own Louis Vuitton fabric and start making shirts or something. Who even really needs a purse anyway?

The key to not buying stupid stuff is to not buy stupid stuff. However, if you really want items that show everyone you are rich and tasteless you are, then designer purses are the way to go. If you just buy the fabric and make one yourself at least that shows you have one single skill. In the modern world who needs real skills? Not rich people with fancy purses, that's for sure.

I Am Not a Doctor

I did not go to medical school. Just in case that was not apparent as I write a blog about nothing... now it is very clear. Anyway, since I did not go to medical school I do not have access to any kind of web based EMR system. That is just fine with me, but as a doctor I would feel pretty proud that people trusted me enough to have access to a database that had everyone's medical history on it.

I wonder if when a doctor meets a nice young lady, or a handsome gentleman, they access the EMR system to see if they... you know... have anything. In fact, I wonder if that is even something they are not supposed to do. They should totally do that. Sure the system was setup to help patients by giving doctors access too their entire medical history at the click of a button, but this is pretty important too.

What better way to stop the spread of disease than by... ummm--preemptively stopping the spread of disease. I think if the database can help a doctor in anyway (aside from monetarily) then its use should be completely fine. However, I am not a doctor so I have no idea what I am talking about.

Laser Doctor

Doctors are maybe the most unsung, tech-savvy people on the planet. While I was still watching space movies with laser guns in them and wishing it was reality, they were in the operating room cutting people open with those same lasers. That is the most awesome thing I have ever heard of.

Doctors also use the internet to their advantage all the time. Think of all the web based EMR pages that they have going. An EMR system is used to look up a patient's history (and many other things), thus linking doctors and patients together in an extremely fast way. An open EMR site allows access to every file that a doctor could ever need to treat a patient properly.

Sure using lasers as surgical tools is still the most amazing thing that they do, but using the internet is pretty clever as well. We never think that doctors are nerds, but they spent more time in school than the rest of us, so clearly they are nerds. If they are not cutting someone open then they are probably playing Dungeons and Dragons with their nerdy kids. I wish now I had gone to medical school, because everything about their lives sounds awesome.

Shell Stuff

A lot of my family lives near the ocean. This is great for my little nieces and nephews, who can find unlimited activities at the beach. For adults there is either swimming or laying out--really fun. For little kids everything from sand to sea shells are amazing. I know, right? Those things aren't even cool or fun, but little kids love them anyway.

I will admit that shell crafting is pretty popular with the younger kids in my family, and I will also admit that it looks like the least fun thing I can imagine. As long as my nieces and nephews are having fun that is all I really care about. If they want to play with shells then we can all play with shells. I figured that I might as well enjoy it with them, because I would have to do what they want regardless of how I feel.

One day when they are all older maybe they will realize what a great uncle I was, and then we can finally start doing things that I like. I don't know if they will like reading, cooking, and sitting, but there is only one way to find out. Get ready. OK.

Surf's Up

I grew up in Southern California until I was about 22. The culture down there is a lot different from where I live now, except that a lot of people here dress like the people where I used to live. I know, I know--people always wear the same basic clothes in some way. That would be a valid argument if the ocean wasn't six hundred miles from here, yet everyone still wears surf clothes.

In California, when people walked around in sandals and RVCA boardshorts it made sense; the beach was always in sight. Now I see people wearing the same exact beach apparel with no place to swim except the salty death lake. Even though I thought Everyone in my hometown dressed like a goof, it didn't bother me too much because at least it was functional. Everyone here is just trying to look like they are cool, or at least trying to look like they are from a cool place.

Maybe I'm overreacting and surf clothing is just something that everyone wears--surf areas or not. I guess I am just too utilitarian for clothes that do things that I don't do (like look cool). Maybe I should move back home so no one bugs me anymore.

Wake Up!

It is a shame that people have to hire a spiritual life coach so that they can learn how to feel gratitude. One of the goals of a spiritual life coach is to get you to reach an overwhelming feeling of love and happiness. How is it that people need to be trained to feel this?

I always thought that feelings of intense happiness could be had naturally. I don't know whether to be mad at the life coach for selling something that everyone inherently has, or if I should be mad that people are so stupid and selfish that they can't have a feeling of gratitude on their own. I am more inclined to be mad at the mass of people, because I know that they are stupid and selfish--that isn't even a generalization anymore. Anyone who has ever met people knows this to be true.

The coaches are practically forced to sell this to people. What if people forgot they could breathe on their own? Of course it would be ridiculous for them to pay for classes on how to do it, but if they can't do it on their own then someone had better help them remember. What a world.

Poor Everyone

It is no secret that our society loves poor people. Let me rephrase that: it is no secret that credit companies go after young, poor people because they know they can easily trap that person in debt forever. It used to be that people could file bankruptcy to try and escape, but even that is more difficult these days.

Bankruptcy is the only way out for most people who get deep into debt. In theory it appears that hard work can end debt, but credit companies are set up to ensure that people are not able to pay off their debts. Think about this: A person with lots of money in the bank gets more, free money, while a person with small amounts of money is charged a fee just for having a small amount. The system is set up to keep poor people poor.

Bankruptcy used to be the one way to escape this permanent debt, but that is long gone for most of us now. Better pack up your life and move to Montgomery AL to escape your debtors now. If I ever get trapped in something like debt, then I will just go live in the woods--if they want me, then they can come and find me.

Dentist Stuff. Again.

I often talk about how I could never be a lawyer, but I could definitely not be a dentist either. Even though I would be helping people by fixing their teeth, I don't think that people need to go to the dentist all the time. I would feel bad charging a ton of money just to clean someone's already clean teeth simply because they can't tell if their own teeth are clean. Ah!

If you brush your teeth, then they are clean--it is as simple as that. I haven't been to the dentist in like a one hundred years, and my teeth are perfectly healthy. Maybe is place like Jackson MS, where everyone's teeth fall out constantly, the dentist is someone who needs to be visited on a regular basis. That sounds like a bummer, but so does having your teeth fall out of your face.

I like my teeth, and the dentist will help me out with them someday, but not until something is really wrong. I remember what it is like to get a filling in a tooth that doesn't hurt, only to have it hurt once the filling is in. Really, dentist? You think this is what a healthy mouth feels like? You are ridiculous.

Great Kitchens

The last few places I have lived in Utah have all not had kitchen cabinets. Hey Utah, are you cool? It would be nice to have doors and cupboards in places that normally have doors and cupboards. The place I live in right now has a bunch of kitchen cabinets, but only ONE has a door. Just one--really? Finally when I was accustomed to there being no doors, some jerk puts up one just to make it look weird and remind of what I don't have.

When I am rich (just kidding) I will have a custom kitchen. The rest of my house can be falling apart as long as I have a nice kitchen to cook and eat in. I lived alone alone for a long time, and probably won't get married for another sixty years, so it is the little things that make my life worth living now. Some people have kids that they can adore and love, or great careers--I have fancy meals and clean kitchens.

Maybe this life isn't for everyone--like people who want to be happy and fulfilled--but for now I am doing just fine. Once my kitchen has some doors on it I will be set for life.

Avoiding the Dentist

I don't really go to the dentist. It only seems like a big deal if you don't think about it. That is to say, people just assume that seeing the dentist is something that we absolutely have to do twice a year. Yeah right. I haven't been to the dentist in about seven years, and my mouth is totally fine. It should be said that I brush my teeth two to three times a day and am careful not to eat foods that damage teeth.

Some people out there might be thinking, "Well I would be able to skip out on the dentist too if I took care of my teeth like that." If you are thinking that, then please never check my blog again. I would rather keep my mouth working on my own than have some dentist get in there and tear it up once or twice a year.

I've never seen The Great Wall of China, or even been to Hartford--but I can honestly tell you that the dentist should only be for emergencies. How often do we all get physicals from the doctor? That is way more important than going to the dentist. If something is wrong with your mouth it's pretty easy to tell, but your guts keep their secrets until it's too late.

Get Real, Real Estate

There was a time in my life where I was really cool. This means that I wasn't really going to school and I was trying to "make it" as some kind of artist. This was a fine life for me, but my parents were a little more on the "Ummmm..." side of things.

I remember there was a time when they suggested that I get my real estate license. Selling real estate was probably the last thing that I would ever want to do, or ever be good at doing. Plus, I feel like going through a few months of a course for a license would not really put in a better position of work than doing nothing/relying on my natural charm.

That was a few years ago, back when I lived near Glendale AZ. I have since gone back to school and gotten through in a decent amount of time. I still have some friends who went into the real estate racket, and I am glad I didn't go through with it. Selling anything is just not for me; I am not very personable, and I don't like having to hide things from people--which is something that every salesperson does. What?

Tv Kids

What did the Ninja Turtles do when the sewer service people had to come down check things out? I mean, it would be easy enough for the turtles to hide for a while, but they had a pretty nice living space down there--I think they even had a giant computer that could track criminals. Maybe they lived in a part that no longer had sewer service, which brings up tons of other gross problems for them.

Maybe it is wrong to analyze things like this, but it is very common for someone my age--who grew up in a time of major pop-culture addiction--to try and analyze the things that don't need to be analyzed. However, someone from my perspective would argue that EVERYTHING needs to be analyzed. People like me only feel this way because we feel strange, and want to find something to blame it on--so we look and every possible thing that had an influence on us as kids and try to point the finger.

I grew up watching turtles fight crime, and other kids watched reruns of the Indianapolis 500--what a world, right? There are so many personality disorders out there, and I bet 99% of them come from weird, childhood television habits.

Office Problems

Do you work in an office? Well you are reading a blog right now, so it is very possible that you do. Hopefully the place you are in is full of office furniture, and if it isn't... well that would be really weird. You guys should go out and buy some office furniture.

I know that some companies are obsessed with cutting costs and keeping things as cheap as they can be, but you, as the employee, have to draw the line somewhere. For me, that line would be if the boss came in and took away my chair and desk. I would be confused and sad... and then I would get back to work. The boss shouldn't be able to take away your furniture--that is like someone trying to drive in the Indianapolis 500 without using a car! Okay, that metaphor is a little dramatic, but I needed to make my point (and get a certain word in there).

So, dear reader, if you are out there and I am describing the problem that you are currently suffering from, then don't be afraid to take a stand and be tough. The office is the one place where The Man is going to try and keep you down the most, so don't let it happen to you.

Dr Tinycat

Here is the pitch for my new, dramatic television show:

It's called Animal Hospital; and all of the patients and doctors are cute animals. Oh, sure it sounds like a sweet, frolic-y time (and of course it will be) but that is not always the case. There will be tough calls that have to be made by the kitten doctors every day. "If we remove this bamboo, saving the baby panda's life, then they will just send him back to the zoo where he was tortured and sent here in the first place." The kittens frown.

Animal Hospital will be a huge hit. Its demographic will be anybody who has a pulse or heart (metaphoric and literal hearts).

Opening scene: The head kitten doctors says (in cute voice), "Nurse! We are going to need more Nerf footballs if we are going to get this puppy's tail to wag ever again!"
"But doctor there aren't anym--"
"I don't want your excu-meoooow. Ahem. I don't want your excuses! This is Animal Hospital!"
Scene.

From real cities like New York, all the way to fake cities like Appleton, this show will change lives and warm hearts without even trying. I know I am writing a script, but filming animals in doctor outfits running around a tiny hospital is going to be the real selling point.

The Life of a Florist

Here are the pros and cons of working as a florist:



PROS:
1. You get to be around flowers all day, and that will make you smell awesome.
2. As a florist you can deal with happy people all the time: Brides, prom dates, etc.
3. Your place of business will always be colorful.
4. By arranging flowers you will be able to express yourself artistically, which is a very important outlet for a healthy person.

CONS:
1. You will smell like flowers all the time, which will get old at some point.
2. As a florist you will have to sell flowers to people who have just lost a loved one, and you will have to charge them a ton--pretty rude.
3. It will feel like you are living in a jungle.
4. Flower arrangement is hardly a form of art or expression.

So that wasn't a great list; it was more like a list and then a rebuttal. Either way the ideas are out there now, so if you are considering becoming a florist at least you have some good points for both sides. And really, whether you live in San Francisco or Oklahoma City, working with flowers would be a pretty fun, stress-free time. Count me in.

100% Life

Here is a good list of things to avoid in life:

1. A personal injury attorney. This is because it means you either never been hurt, or have never been sued by someone you hurt.
2. Anyone from Houston--they probably have a gun.
3. Expired candy. You will still eat it, even though you know you shouldn't.
4. Salespeople--They do not have anything that you want. Just keep walking.
5. Cats (but not kittens).
6. Cops--if you meet one then you have to get a ticket for loitering.
7. A personal injury attorney. This is bec... Oh, wait. Sorry.
8. Animals who have been taped together to form one, massively dangerous animal.
9. People who spend more than one hour a month at Walmart.
10. The Man.

If you can make it through your life without ever encountering any of the things on this list, then upon your arrival in Heaven you will have completed life with a 100% game rating. You will be given a special shirt to wear and become eligible for the free the nebula giveaway.

Not many people have done this. The most difficult one is hanging out with kittens while avoiding cats--the cutoff into adulthood is difficult to notice. But if you can handle that one, the rest should all be cake.

Manipulate The System

The other week my friend got into a moderately bad car accident, and she might have hurt her back. The accident was her fault, so she isn't about to get any money for her injuries. Maybe that is true and maybe it isn't. I bet if she found a really great/brutal personal injury attorney she could swing the jury to her side of the story--whatever that may be.

A personal injury attorney is just the kind of lawyer for this job. The law is setup to have a balanced system right? All this means is that ANYBODY can win a case. All they would have to do is play up the right angle to the jury and then wait for that undeserved money to roll in. Isn't that what most trials result in anyway? Might as well keep the system up and running.

She is really fine though, so don't worry about her. She is moving to Houston or something soon anyway, so it doesn't even matter what happens to her. I'm not sure what the moral of this story is... Even if you do something wrong you can still manipulate the system to benefit you! Man, I hated that.

Jay-Z Said it Best

If I was ever walking by a building and it had a sign on it that said, "Emini Day Trading System" I would have no idea what that building was for. I would just think, "Hmm. I do not know what that means, so I can definitely keep walking."

There some things in the world I do not understand at all; many of the things I don't understand are business related. However, I know enough to realize when I see something that is like unto a business, and that allows me to steer clear of it in a much more effective way. For instance, I have heard the term "day trading" so often that I am aware it applies to people that are nothing like me.

I do not share anything in common with people who have decent amounts of money, or people who work without changing anything. So if you ever see the Emini day trading system at work, look around and see if you can find me--no way. It was Jay-Z who said, "I'm not a businessman; I'm a business, man." That makes him sounds pretty awesome, and I even though I can't relate to the second part of that statement, I can't wholeheartedly agree with the first.

I Am Not Cool

I don't think that I will ever own a buffalo leather jacket. Seriously, I can't even figure out what I would even do with a leather jacket. Do I have to get a motorcycle too, or can I just wear it around the house or something? I would probably just hang it up and never wear it.

I am bad at remembering what clothes I own. Just this morning I found a shirt that I had forgotten about, and then realized that I should have two other shirts of a similar design. Nope. They are just gone. Forgetting that you own something does not exactly help someone remember what happened to the thing they forgot exists. It is a difficult problem to solve.

If bought a buffalo leather jacket and put it away, I would inevitably find it again at some point. But instead of remembering that it was mine, I would probably just try to figure what it is was in the first place. That's how foreign cool leather things are to me. I would be like, "What it this made of? Is this made out of human skin!?" Man, I can't buy one just in case I really think it's human skin later on. that would make me crazy.

No Jokes for Forensic Engineers

I don't know any forensic engineers. Is this my fault, or is it theirs? I am not exactly outgoing and personable (despite what the title of my blog might imply), but I doubt that people who are forensic engineers are going to parties all the time either. We are two types of people who will probably never meet.

They aren't coming to the west coast, and I am not about to head out to North Carolina, or wherever they are all from. It's probably fine that we will never become friends, because what are we going to learn from each other? They would start in on whatever forensic engineering involves (I seriously don't even know enough about it to make a joke) and I would sleep. They would probably do the same to me if I had something to talk about.

There are a thousand groups of people that I will never meet. I could worry about it, and think that I am not learning enough about my fellow human beings, but we all know that I am not going to worry about it at all. I am just fine without knowing those people, and I am pretty sure they can survive without me as well.

The Best Idea of My Life

The animal clinic is a place I could work at. I don't really care about animals all that much, but do think that they are crazy cute. When something cute is suffering, the natural response of any other living creature is "OMG WE HAVE TO SAVE IT." I am just as guilty of this as anyone.

If a kitten came into the O.R. with a small head injury I would wrap that little head up in the neatest and cutest way possible--and take a million pictures for the internet. With captions like "Howz mah hair?" or "If u pleeze... make dis room stawp spinin." I was cut out for life in the animal clinic. I would be saving kittens and brightening everyone's day at the same time. What more could the world ask for?

They should make more TV shows about animal hospitals and the like. Only they shouldn't be on like animal planet or something; they should be on major channels and have a plot similar to Dallas or some other famously dramatic show. I'll get started on the script now: "Scuse meh? If u marreez Patches den she wil own teh aminal klinik... she duz not treet da kittehs rite, an u no it!"

I am not joking when I say that most people I know would watch this show.

Cute Animals Are Sick

Depending on what kind of person you are, the animal clinic is either extra cute or extra sad. It could go either way, but for me it is definitely extra cute--little kittens wearing casts? Forget about it. However, I can understand that some people would be depressed by seeing little sick animals all over the place.

I don't love animals, so to me they are just cute objects. If one is doing anything out of the ordinary I am going to think it is cute. I'm not going to think, "I bet that pug doesn't like wearing that cowboy costume," or, "Something tells me those cats don't like being juggled." Both of those are things I would watch without hesitation. Am I a bad dude? No way.


I am glad that the critters in the animal clinic are getting helped out, but I still think a sick animal is cute--sue me. I would drive as far as Dallas to see a munchkin cat with some gauze around its head. Are you kidding me? We would probably all do that. At least I like animals enough to think they are cute--some people don't even care that much. Go after them before you go after me.

Mom Habits

What is the deal with countertops? I am not trying to channel Jerry Seinfeld, I am actually curious. My mother has replaced several countertops in my parents home since the dawn of my life, and it does not look like she is going to stop any time soon. Not only have I never had good countertops in any of my residences, but I have also never worried about it.

Whenever I think that the countertop in my kitchen or bathroom is bugging me I just clean it off. Then I am like, "...oh, that was the problem." Maybe my mom just doesn't know about cleaning things, or the joy that can come from cleaning things. Just kidding, she totally does know about it. However, I still do not have an answer for why she loves getting new countertops all the time.

Her bathroom, aka the water closet, aka Watertown MA, has the newest counter at the moment. I will admit that it looks fancy and modern, but here I am with no answers still. The only option I have now is to stop worrying about it--which is not what I want to do. You win this round, mom habits. Amen.

"I Am a Skinny Kitten"

If your house is in need of foundation repair, you are basically dead. Not that it is impossible to fix your foundation; the problem is that it's crazy expensive. But it needs to be expensive because... well think about it. Foundation repair is the process of fixing the giant, concrete, roots of your house while your house still sits on it.

If my house were tilting because of a busted foundation I would just live in it for as long as it still stood, and then when it fell over I would be on my way. Houses have life expectancies just like people do, so when they are ready to die just let them. Don't put your house on life support while it is in a vegetative state.

Maybe I only think this way because I don't have any money. People who are rich are probably like: "Foundation repair? Don't be ridiculous--we are going to buy a new house and stick it under this house. That should fix the problem. Now c'mon, we have lobsters in Massachusetts to eat." That sounds all fine and dandy for you fat cats, but I am a skinny kitten, so my house is going to stay broken.

Old and Young

When I am older I don't think I will mind being in a nursing home, but at the same time I probably won't have any kids or family to love--this means that living in a dark room with strangers won't bug me too bad. It isn't like I'll be missing out on something.

I don't even mind sitting in a room by myself all day right now. Maybe I should just call up a nursing home and see what it would take to get me in there. They would probably have a problem with it, but I can't really see why--it isn't like they are in it to help old people; they are in it to make money for having residents. I've got money so let me move in and lounge around.

I would move anywhere to be in a nursing home--oh, Rowley MA? Yeah I'll meet you there in a day or two. By becoming a part of the nursing home, it will show that I have respect for the elderly. Respect for the elderly is definitely something that I have, so I guess that's that. I will call up a home today and see what the plan is.

New Music

I think I am going to start a band called The Countertops. The key to having a good band name is making it sound like band that already exists, without reminding the listener of the other band right away. In this case I was stealing from The Four Tops. You guys are like, "who?"

The Countertops will become an underground success for a year or two, and then we'll make the transition into a larger spectrum of things and get PAID. We'll have to start with some small tours--like going to South Easton MA and back again. I don't really know how to make a band famous, but I bet it's pretty easy. I think most people have the problem of trying to stay artistic, or going in the opposite direction. No label wants a band that sounds too original, but they also don't want boys and girl who have trained to be pop singers for their entire lives.

My band will be a great asset to the culture that is the world of music. We'll play it safe and just stick with a basic sound--I feel like it's time for poppy garage music to make a mainstream comeback. No matter how cheesy it is there's no way it could be worse than the current state of pop music. BURN!

More on the Dentist

I wonder how many times a dentist has been the villain in a story? I can think a several movies, and I can imagine it in a lot of comic books. It isn't that dentist is a bad dude, but to a little kid they are the ultimate bad time. Those kids grow up to become guys like Alan Moore and Stephen King.

I can't forget about Steve Martin playing the evil dentist in that one musical (whose name is too long to type out, plus I don't feel like doing any italics right now). Little kids fears being translated to real villains is a great idea. that's probably why there are so many movies where animals kill people (right Stephen King?).

Maybe the dentist gets a bad wrap, but they are all rich so I don't feel like defending them--it's the same reason no one defends lawyers. Neither of them are really getting their feelings hurt. I wonder if there is any place in this country that doesn't have a dentist. I heard Falls Church doesn't, but to be honest I just made that up. This is America, where we are free to make fun of rich people and then make things up at will.

It Isn't even Close to my Birthday

I have decided that for my birthday this year I want to go to a day spa. That way I can relax, and I won't have to worry about anybody trying to throw me a party--even though I told them not to. I am also not asking for this spa day as a present; I am saying that I will do it all myself. That way no one will be able to find me.

Maybe I will book this relaxing day in a place like Des Moines just to be even further away. You know, just getting mud wraps and fig rubs and... volcanic... skin--I don't know. I have never been to a spa so it isn't exactly clear to me what goes on in there. I can't wait to find out.

For those of you who are still thinking that you are going to find my secret spa and give me a cake, you had better do some real thinking. Do you really think I am going to a far away spa, or is this just another red herring to make sure that you can't find me? I know, right? This is all pretty complicated stuff. Happy birthday to me... in a bunch of months.

This is really It

So there is this company out there who has pretty much invented the light saber. Even though that is amazing, inventing the light saber is not the most important thing to note. The futuristic laser is only $200--that's seriously it. Jedis used to have to go to one place in the entire universe to get a crystal, and here we are like fat cats paying only two bills for one.

So this company (I think in Colorado Springs or something) created a high-powered laser with the capability of setting nearly every possible surface on fire, up to four feet away. The real kicker is that they made the hand-held part look just like a light saber handle--for obvious reasons. The Lucas people were pretty mad about it, and tried to sue them. The case was dismissed when George Lucas sent JarJar Binks as his representation.

I have seen enough movies to know that we should all be using lasers to brush our teeth and eat our cereal, but we aren't yet. This is definitely a step in the right direction, and one day hopefully a real light saber is made that has the right looking beam, because that is really all I care about. Amen.

The Roof Is Not On Fire

You know when people yell that the roof is on fire, do they realize how crazy that is? A fire would do serious damage to your roofing, and that stuff is expensive to fix. I'm sure that it's all in good fun, but seriously you guys, let's think about what we are saying once in a while, huh?

Roofing is one of the most important parts of your home. Say you live in a place like Milwaukee where the weather is brutal--without a good, solid roof there is nothing stopping the elements from coming in an freezing you or burning you to death. Sound dramatic? Death always is, so don't blame me. Mother nature is just waiting for you to let your roofing slide a little bit so that she can come in and destroy everything you have worked so hard to create.

That's just how nature is--cold and unforgiving. Just ask the people in the Donner Party. You think they didn't need some better cover? Their roofing was so bad that they decided to eat each other and love it. The history books tell a slightly different story, but anyone paying attention can figure out what really happened--it was a roofing problem. Plain and simple.

Fake Monster

The other week I had to help this girl get some stuff out of some storage units. However, the storage units are not the exciting part of the story. The exciting part is that she flipped out on the way there because a bug touched her.

So we were driving along and all of a sudden she started screaming and actually going crazy. I thought she was secretly on fire or something, but then I saw her staring at a grasshopper that was next to her leg. I started laughing, obviously, but she just kept on screaming and going nuts. The real kicker is that when the event was over she kept calling the grasshopper a centipede. What? You can't just call things what they aren't.
"Hey are we finally in Atlanta?"
"...This is your storage unit."

The important thing is that we got there and got it done. Even with the bug incident in our way we still managed to move all of her stuff to wherever it was that it needed to be--like I remember. All I can remember now is that scream and her thinking it was a flying centipede. This isn't Spirited Away, and there aren't crazy monster bugs everywhere.

DEBT

Does it depress anyone else to see a cash advance type of business anywhere in Nevada? What does that picture paint?

It is aimed at someone living paycheck to paycheck, risking getting a cash advance so they can attempt to (most likely) gamble with that money and win big (which they won't) and get out of debt (assuming they are in major debt, because why else risk taking out a cash advance?). The real heart breaker is knowing that by taking out this advance they are just going to sink deeper and deeper into debt, and this means that next time they are just going to try harder and harder until credit companies have taken everything from them.

Debt is something that is not easily escaped from. Credit card companies actually search out young, or poor people to send credit applications to. Why would they do this--because they are so nice? Because those people are less likely to be able to pay off their bills, and credit companies make more money off of people who attempt to pay off bills than people who can successfully pay off bills.

What a great system we have in place--being tricked as young kids into using credit cards so that we are trapped in debt forever.

TOWING

You know what the most fair industry in the world is? Towing. Putting your car somewhere illegal and then having it towed seems like a pretty cut and dried deal. Oh wait, it doesn't work that way.

The way it works is that parking lots will put arbitrary rules in place so that when you break one they can call and get your car towed--then they get a kickback from the towing company. Everybody wins! Everybody except for normal people. My car has been towed four times in my life. All four were from the parking lot of an apartment complex that I lived in. What does that tell you about that complex and my parking record? It should tell you that towing my car does not happen unless I am tricked--which this complex did. They would change the parking rules every few weeks so that people were never able to keep their cars from being towed. Awesome.

I would be nice if the fat cats in Washington DC would start looking out for us, but not a chance right? Towing is probably one of the ways they keep the poor down. Why can't I rise up in the world? It's all because of towing, man.

Super Blowout

About a year ago I was driving on the freeway and my tire exploded. It wasn't even a big deal, so I pulled over and fixed it. I have heard that sometimes a blowout can cause huge accidents and send cars flying across the all the lanes--guess I proved that theory wrong.

So there I was, performing some hand to hand auto repair on the side of the freeway when all of a sudden some cop pulls up and is like, "Ohhhh, pleeeeeease let me help youuuuuuu." I looked at him like, "wtvr" and he finished the tire job that I had started. He was probably from Boise or something--being all nice and junk. After the job was done he got back into his cruiser and took off.

I can't believe people even make a big deal out of getting tire blowouts on the freeway. It was the easiest day of my life. A little blowout, a little auto repair, talked to a cop, missed a class--sounds like a pretty good day so far, am I right? I can't wait for the next blowout to happen so that I can have another fun day with the police force and freeway debris.

Tricky Auto Repair

So one time I took my car into the auto repair shop. My gauges had been going a little nuts, so I took it in in case they were being accurate. After a few hours of waiting I finally got my car in, and then I got to wait a few more hours; it was a cool day.

Finally someone who worked at the auto repair shop came out to talk to me. They guy said that my car didn't have any pressure and needed all new tubes or pipes or whatever. Not only was I mad about this work that needed to be done, but I was mad that all they done so far was check it out. Then he one-ups himself by saying, "Yeah we have some space open in two days, and we can fix your car up then." Without saying another word I grabbed my keys and left.

I figured I had two days before my car broke down, but guess what? It never happened. What a really cool trick that would have been to make me replace every tube in my engine for no reason. Maybe this wouldn't happen in a small town like Boise, where everybody knows everybody else, but I don't so it does. Great.

250!

Seriously, what is the deal with acupuncture? I don't want anyone spouting science or energy charts to me. All I know is that when my body has a problem, my natural response is not "Man! I wish someone would stab me in an unrelated area!"

Acupuncture is just not for me. It's seems like one of those services that doesn't get too many new customers. that is to say, the only people who want acupuncture are the people who are already doing it; I don't see many people trying it out because they heard good things. Plus, in places like Los Angeles where acupuncture is huge, it just seems like people attempting to appear cultured rather than caring if it works or not. They want to be sitting around at brunch saying, "Oh, you've absolutely got to try it. They've been doing it for centuries over there, and they are so wise, you know? They really do have a very interesting culture." Your subtle racism will be lost on your rich friends, and they will see you as the progressive (don't worry, not too progressive) one in the group.

Acupuncture is not for me, but don't let that stop you from being cool. Try ear candling next, I hear that does wonders*.


*Nothing at all.

Pest Party

"Pest control" is kind of a funny way of saying "killing bugs and stuff." I mean, I understand that people don't want to have something brutal about killing in the name of their company, but it isn't like people really care about bugs. I think even most hippies will squash a mosquito if they aren't paying too close of attention.

We still call the place where cows are killed the SLAUGHTERHOUSE, so why are we so worried about the rights of bugs that we are using the term "pest control" still? I want to have a company called BUG STOMP. That way at least all of the people who seriously want their pests gone will call me up. From here to St Louis people will call me when they want their pests destroyed and just controlled.

Do people really just want pest control--to manage their pests? Does that just mean people have too many rodents, and they want enough killed that they can regain control over them? That sounds pretty admirable, but there is no one in the world who is thinking that way. People are not riding the fence about pest control; they either want them all dead, or they don't mind them at all.

Lock it Down

If I were going to be a locksmith I would not transfer to a city like Brooklyn. I say this because I don't see it as a city where people lock their keys inside and then call someone to come and help them out. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if most places had kind of old locks anyway--or chain locks. If the houses did have awesome locks they would probably be like chains or something that could only be locked from the inside.

To be honest I don't think I would move to Brooklyn no matter what--locksmith or not. I just kind of assume that it is a place for tough people, so I don't think I would really fit in there, and the only thing that matters in my life is fitting in. What? Like having friends is such a crime.

Maybe being a locksmith would be a good way to meet people though. I mean, I have to drive out to their house anyway, and we already have a built-in conversation piece every time I start a new job. "Oh, that's how you locked them in? No it isn't as uncommon as you think. Haha--Let's get lunch!"

Locked Out

There is something to be said for someone who works as a locksmith. The thing to be said is that I hope they are all trustworthy. I don't mean to be rude, but someone who works as a locksmith gets to paid practicing breaking into people's houses. I know that this is a job that needs to exist--I seriously know firsthand--but it still feels a little strange.

The locksmith is someone who has a skill that we all need from time to time, but it is also a skill that can ruin everyone's day when used at the wrong time--like in the middle of the night (to rob you). Also, it isn't like a locksmith went to college to get this job; they are generally just dudes who didn't want to become mechanics or clerks or at the grocery store.

Being able to pick every lock from here to Minneapolis is a pretty crazy ability. I am sure that they do background checks on people before they are made a locksmith, but that doesn't really sit well with me. It seems like kind of a crappy job, so training someone to be a thief and then forcing them to use that skill in a way that doesn't make a lot of money is just asking them to start breaking into houses. Buh.

Nuggets

So I have one friend who is really into football. We have often been to a local sports bar, where we stand out like monsters, for big games and the like. However, last night he had us all come over to his house to watch the game and eat fifty chicken nuggets. I now know exactly what all sports bars are doing wrong.

Hello sports bar, guess what you are doing wrong? You are not selling all of your food in set amounts of fifty. People come to you so they can scream at TVs and eat little snacks. However, a lot of the people coming to you are pretty big dudes. If you only have little snacks no one is going to get full and pumped, BUT if you sell all of these snacks is groups of fifty then everyone will no choice but to be happy and full.

Plus, if you stuff everyone with little meats, they are less likely to get into fights with each other when their team loses. I know that when I am full of fifty anything, all I want is peace. In fact this is bigger than just sports bars, regular bars, Boston, or the United States--this should be a rule for the whole world.

Kitchen jobs

Whenever I am making food in the kitchen there is always someone who wants to help. This is fine except that I am usually organized enough that there are no secondary jobs to be offered. People really want to help though, so I have to find a job for them to do or else they will stop being my friend.

I solved this problem by assigning people the role of Kitchen Utensil Holder. That's right--there is one important job, and that is to hold out the stuff that I am going to need in a few seconds. This person is now helping the job run smoothly and efficiently. I hope that this shows everyone just how caring I can be. I mean, I didn't have to think of that job, but I did because I have such a soft heart. You are welcome, helpers.

Kitchen Utensil Holder is a job that anyone can be proud of, and what is more important than pride? Literally nothing. Feel free to use this technique to welcome your needy friends into your hobbies by assigning them menial tasks--tasks that can be carried out by drawers if they are not around. Be a real friend.

Magic Kids

Just last night my friend's car was overheating. Luckily* we were all at a show so he was able to come and get a few of us and ask to come out and take a look. We all walked out together, confident in our auto repair skills. After we stared at his engine for about two minutes we all came to the same conclusion: "Umm. Yeah, I don't see anything wrong with it."

The subtle art of auto repair is something that many of us think we knowing something about, but that is not always the case. I realized that if it is not changing a tire or playing with some of the fluids then I am not exactly sure what to do. In fact, even if the auto repair job has to do with changing tires and playing with fluids it will still take me some time to remember the right way to do things.

I can't remember if the hub of the auto world is Detroit or Minneapolis, but either way I am not a part of it. Maybe I should start learning more about cars so that I will be able to help myself and my friends when our vehicles kick the bucket.

*It is clear now that "luckily" is not the right word.